I (30f) have been with my boyfriend (40m) for almost four years now. Just to add some context, I came to the US by myself to do my PhD and don’t have family and many friends here. He’s basically my support system here and has always helped me with whatever I need. We have a lot in common and do a lot of nerdy things together.
My issue is that I come from a culture where people are very warm and touchy and I really miss being in a relationship with someone that feels the same way. We have had several conversations about this, I told him for example that I would like to kiss more (specially with more tongue), have sex more frequently and even just hold hands. Every time we talk about this, he tells me that he will do all those things but never does. For the last couple of years we had sex maybe once a month. I also notice that we only do it when I initiate it and it feels to me like he is doing it just because I asked for it, not because he wants to.
I asked him several times if he still feels attracted to me and he always says yes. I feel so confused and honestly unsatisfied.
On the other hand, all other aspects of our relationship are going well. He’s even supporting me on a job opportunity that I got that is in another state. I am so conflicted, I want more intimacy but I don’t want to give up everything we built so far. And I also think that I would be selfish and ungrateful if I break up with him over this.
I need some advice.
16 comments
yes, because a good relationship should have sex included..
Sounds like being a hotwife would solve everything. But it may not be for you. Either of you x
Honestly I don’t think it’s at the break up stage yet. If he’s supporting you in other areas it means he wants to help you. But you know sometimes you need to be a ‘loudspeaker’ with needs. It’s almost universal that people won’t take you seriously until you finally kind of ‘flip out’ (I’m not suggesting flipping out but rather it’s how things go often) and then they’re like ‘oh shit they’re really serious’. Guys are notorious for this but in truth my ex was also super dismissive of my needs until it actually was too late. Too many chances were given……and that’s the balance. Your needs versus their wilful or oblivious ignorance. So something more serious needs to be brought up with him I feel, but not breakup stage yet, is probs how I’d go about it.
Physical intimacy is important in most relationships. But I think for a certain type it’s even more important. For some, I think physical contact with their partner conveys a deeper message than words.
For example, my wife loves hearing me say, *”I love you”* and she likes to hear it often. I on the other hand, am OK only hearing it occasionally.
What matters most to me is the way my wife touches me. The message conveyed by stroking my hair, or holding my hand speaks volumes more to me than hearing, “I love you.”
So while you consider your relationship to be great now, it’s missing a vital component. I think you probably could last out another couple of years or so. But in the end, you will still end up moving on because of the lack of physical intimacy. So you might as well do it now rather than later.
Are you waiting on him to initiate these acts of intimacy or are you being proactive in what you want?
Do you try to French him? Do you grab his hand in public? Do you seduce him?
He maybe be asexual….get him to counseling for help with this….
Depends on the people involved.
For me personally, I’d take a good relationship anytime over sex. Sex is everywhere, good relationships are not, and to me they are not tied together (I don’t believe that sex is a must for a good relationship).
But since you are clearly unhappy, it does sound like you should break up and find someone with the same libido as you.
If there is no or little physical intimacy in a relationship, you have an “ok” one, not a “good” one.
I know personally it’s honestly really important to me. We can get along great but if there’s no affection and I always have to initiate it takes a toll on my self esteem. I remember crying a lot when he’d turn me down and it just made me feel like trash. Even put on super cute lingerie one night and got rejected.
I asked him why we never made out “just because” and he said bc we’re not teenagers. 😑
At that point I just felt like he was my best friend and not my lover and that hurt to realize.
My experience…it wont get any better. Over 5 years without any intimacy let alone sex.
It doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship. You’re 30 years old, interested in sex, and your partner only sleeps with you once a month. You have to beg him to kiss you and hold your hand. He doesn’t sound like your romantic partner, it sounds like y’all are friends or he is your mentor.
Is it worth it to stay in a shite relationship because of good sex?
>*I am so conflicted, I want more intimacy but* ***I don’t want to give up everything we built so far****.*
It doesn’t sound like you’ve “built” much in 4 years. You appear to have a roommate who likes to do nerdy things with you. As for a relationship? He doesn’t hold hands with you, only believes in chaste kisses, and never initiates sex. When you do have sex, it feels like “duty” sex on his part. You’ve discussed this on several occasions and nothing has changed. He **says** he’ll change, but he doesn’t/can’t/won’t put in the actual effort to change. It’s been 4 years; this will always be who he is.
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>*And I also think that* ***I would be selfish and ungrateful if I break up with him*** *over this. I need some advice.*
It’s **not selfish** to expect a partner to be a real partner…a ***sexual*** partner! You could hang out with fellow students or coworkers or neighbors or strangers if **ALL** you wanted to do is talk, eat food, drink, or do nerdy hobbies. You’re attempting to build a *personal* relationship with someone who doesn’t want to *get personal*.
Taking the new job opportunity in the new state and moving on without him is **not ungrateful. You deserve to have ALL your needs met. This relationship will never do that.**
Tell him, *”(Name), we’ve talked several times over the last 4 years about our relationship becoming more sexual. You have assured me that you understand my POV and you will change, but you don’t. I don’t know if you’re unable to change or merely unwilling, but it doesn’t really matter. Being a more physical and more sexually active adult is an important component of who I am, and it’s been ignored for too long. I’ve been dissatisfied for 4 years over this situation and I’m unwilling to ignore my needs anymore. I’ll be taking the job opportunity in the new state and our relationship will be over. I’m not interested in counseling, long-distance relationship, or one last try. I care about you as a person, but you’re not someone with whom I can share the commitment of reaching long-term mutual goals.”*
In simple terms – yes
If the sex is sub par and you have tried everything to improve it, than yes for some it is a definite deal breaker.
Do you want to go the rest of your life like this?
Depends how important sex is to you. For some people it’s not a priority and they can do without it. For me, this would be a deal breaker.
>good relationship
>
>lack of sex
>
>I (30f)
Does it look okay… or **mutually exclusive** in ONE phrase?
Remember young lady: you think you meet a man and you can change him? Well, me M40 can say it is as fictional as we men meet a girl and hope she will be forever like the 1st date.
>And I also think that I would be selfish and ungrateful if I break up
Mind you I’m 95% of times on man’s side, but ask yourself and give yourself first and foremost (not us, random internet dudes) an HONEST answer: are you okay to continue that relationship into marriage and ready to spend rest of your life with this man. Well if not – why get married? and if not get married – why to be here in the 1st place? It will **always be like this** or only worse, reasons above. So… your life, your choices. Thinking and asking for advice is okay, but ONLY if you ACT afterwards. It may s****ck for a while, but then you’ll be fine. Be strong, ACT, God bless!..