So I’ve been having a lot of arguments with my boyfriend recently. He tells me I rise my voice when I don’t like something and he doesn’t like it. I don’t think I rise it but I can sound annoyed when I ask him why he hasn’t washed the dishes like he promised to or whatever. Meanwhile he full on screams at me when we have bigger arguments. I really don’t like it cause it makes me feel scared and I know our neighbors can hear it.
So today I did something that upset him and he started screaming at me (he told me not to do this thing before but honestly I didn’t even think it counted this time). He wasn’t super loud but it was definitely louder than just raising his voice. Later on we discussed it and he told me that since I knew it upsets him so much I should have been understanding and just got over it instead of arguing about him screaming and the thing not being that big of a deal.
He then told me I can’t expect him to never scream at me since there might be situations over the top when he can’t be expected to control his tone of voice. So what do you guys think? I personally don’t think it’s healthy but I don’t know how to prove my point.
Please don’t suggest me breaking up over incompatibility, I’m trying to figure out who should compromise on it
Tldr: boyfriend told me he could scream at me sometimes, I should just accept it
38 comments
No. No to all this. Break up before he hits you and then blames you.
I think he is a complete asshole.
You have to hold all you manners and ton. But he doesn’t have to?
If he really can’t hold his temper without going over the edge. He needs therapy right away.
Only compromise that should be made. Is that if he doesn’t want you to leave him. He needs to be going to rageaholic anonymous meetings.
First is yelling. Next is hitting you. And the last is … well you well not be around anymore to see it.
If you refuse to break up over this, at least get counseling. This is not acceptable behavior.
>.Please don’t suggest me breaking up over incompatibility
I would suggest breaking up over *abuse* But your other option, since you’ve decided you don’t want to break up with an abusive bf, is to just take it.
He’s abusive. This line right here:
>Meanwhile he full on screams at me when we have bigger arguments. I really don’t like it cause it makes me feel **scared**
It would break my fucking heart if I knew something I did made my partner be in fear from me. Abusers use it as a weapon. And he’s already setting up deniability here:
>Later on we discussed it and he told me that since I knew it upsets him so much I should have been understanding and just got over it instead of arguing about him screaming and the thing not being that big of a deal.
This is literally “Look what you made me do”. Classic abuser mindset. And like any abuser, he’s trying to get you stuck on his mindset.
But here’s the reality: it doesn’t matter what a partner does, nothing warrants a violent actions or words back. One has the option to not engage or to respond with kindness. There is nothing morally good about “I have to do violence on you because of something you did”.
its a matter of time before screaming turns to hitting you. seriously consider leaving him
The hell you should, don’t put with that crap.
In a very general sense compromise in a relationship is good, but this is a case where a hard line is absolutely appropriate, OP. “I can’t expect him to never scream at me” is just A-grade, free-range horseshit. He’s a grown man, and it is completely reasonable to expect that he have some basic level of emotional regulation. You cannot control his emotions for him, and that’s essentially what he’s demanding.
Plenty of people manage to be angry or upset about things every day without screaming at people, and he can too. If he cannot control his own behaviour, he shouldn’t be in a relationship with *anybody*.
He is gaslighting you – making you feel like it’s your fault when he loses control of himself. Don’t get sucked in to this. He has control over his emotions – you do not – and he has chosen to abuse you. Get out of this relationship now.
I think anyone who screams at me isn’t going to be my partner anymore.
Who should compromise? If he compromises there’s no screaming. If you compromise the next compromise will be whether it’s okay for him to hit you. Hint after he hits you he will tell you he loves you but you made him do it
My [21F] boyfriend [21M] tells me I should just deal with him screaming at me sometimes
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I mean, that’s what you’ve already done. You’ve already accepted it. And by refusing to break up with him, you’re signing up for more of it.
You’re only 21 so you might think this is acceptable due to your inexperience. It is not. Partners in a healthy relationship do not scream at each other. It is abuse. You don’t want to hear the only advice that is of any value so I guess you’ll just have to learn for yourself. Please don’t waste your life on an abusive relationship. There are plenty of people in the world who won’t treat you like this, but you’ll never find them as long as you tie yourself to this one.
Agree to set a gesture/phrase that you **both** can do when the other starts raising their voice past appropriate levels (e.g. lift an index finger). If you can’t agree on doing this without any resentment/louder screaming, then you really are incompatible.
Also, yelling at your partner on the regular isn’t a compromise issue. It shouldn’t happen at all.
You’re not supposed to be in a relationship with someone who **makes you feel scared.** If you have a friend in this situation would you tell them to stay? And if god forbid you have a child with this dude, will you tell them to just suck it up because “that’s how he is?”
Someone who screams at their partner is a bully. They are also emotionally immature and insecure. You want to stay with someone who has no business being in a relationship and loves to bully you. Stay.
If he is 21 y.o.a., and doing what you say he is doing, he has been behaving this way for a very long time. If he is going to change, he has to recognise he has a problem, first [which from your post sound like he doesn’t and he doesn’t want to hear from you that he does]. Then he is going to have to decide what to do about it. I don’t know how long that will take. Then if he comes to that conclusion, he is going to have to decide how he is going to deal with it, as in by himself or seek out therapy [as he is the way he is, he has no idea how to control his anger and start behaving like a mature adult]. If he decides to go to therapy, he is going to have to do it on a regular basis. He is not going to magically have insight into his behaviour. Then he is going to have to buy into therapy for it to work. Then he is going to have to stop his negative behaviour, THEN learn new, positive coping strategies. If everything goes swimmingly, this will still take years. Everything I have mentioned is if he is willing to come to terms with his negative behaviour and move to the next step quickly. He may never ever believe he has a problem and you are stuck with this behaviour forever.
By the way, people who bully, just don’t stop at yelling. Eventually, he will start assaulting you and who knows what else.
You both sound too immature to be in this relationship. You will regret staying in this later down the line.
No, you shouldn’t.
Out-of-control anger often escalates over time and even at this level it’s not emotionally healthy for you (or, for that matter, for him).
He needs to learn anger control before he physically hurts you, somebody else, or himself.
You’re still young and might want to find a different boyfriend.
How about he deals with you packing his shit up, changing the locks and telling him to GTFO of your house?
There is no compromise. He’s mean, bullying, egotistical, selfish, rude and revolting. And this is the best side of him.
You need a whole boat load of self respect so you don’t put up with this anymore. Do yourself a huge favor and unload this one.
You are only 21 yrs old. *Is this the way you want the rest of your life to be?* Is he willing to change? (Bullies usually don’t.) Will he scream at your kids? When will he start hitting. Incompatibility is a REAL reason to go your separate ways.
It’s absolute insanity that you talk about compromise in a situation, where your partner is gaslighting and abusing you. This isn’t a mere incompatibility situation – your partner is abusive. You can’t compromise with these people nor can you change them. It is perfectly reasonable for you expect your partner to never yell at you. Why do you think so little of yourself that you are willing to be a doormat to someone, who doesn’t care about you? Why do you have to be the only person putting in all the work in this relationship? You are so young. Move on and stop settling for assholes.
Nope. You don’t have to put up with this.
Listen, he’s being unfair. He’s basically saying he’s allowed to dish out whatever abuse he wishes because he has emotions, but you aren’t allowed to express any emotion he finds unpleasant, because you aren’t allowed to have feelings. Does that sound remotely reasonable to you?
You have to suffer because in his mind, that’s your duty. He doesn’t have to suffer because only his pain is real.
You want to put up with that?
Because that’s the choice he’s giving you. Either you stop having emotions and learn to love pain, or you give up being with him. We aren’t making these choices, he is.
Now you are thinking: but surely there’s a magic bunch of words that will make him reconsider. No. There isn’t. Because this is who he is. This is his core, unchangable personality. He is stuck permanently in his own selfish head. Oh he can be very kind to you at times, but it’s a transactional kind of kindness. He was nice to you, not because he believes you deserve niceness, but rather because that’s the way to get you to do him favors. The niceness goes away as soon as he feels that you aren’t going anywhere, because why buy something he can get for free.
The real problem is, this kind of abuse escalates. It’s like a drug that way. First just a little meanness makes him feel good, but later he needs greater cruelty to get the same thrill. Eventually it will escalate to physical abuse.
You don’t want to hear this, because you are addicted as well. You are addicted to the love he once gave you. And you’ll do anything to get that loving back, including putting up with his tirades. But he won’t give you that loving unless you are at the point of leaving him, and he’ll only do it for as long as it takes to convince you to stay. So you are waiting for something that won’t ever happen.
If he genuinely feels he cannot control his tone or volume then he needs to see a therapist or GP regarding anger management/impulse control or a tendency to use abusive tactics (if that is indeed his angle here).
He cannot expect you to be happy with him screaming at you and not trying to find a solution. He cannot just brush this behaviour under the carpet, it is unacceptable.
He needs help and I’d advise you to leave and he can use the space to work through his crap.
That’s not okay. That is emotional abuse. Accidentally “screaming” or “raising your voice” is like when you get excited at something like a game or winning free tickets or something, not when the object of the screaming is a person you are supposed to love. Some people do grow up in environments like this and I suppose he is young enough to think it’s normal so when you dump him make sure to tell him why and that’s not normal. I think it’s damaging to be with someone like that and I think you should break up for your own health even if they do think it’s normal to break the chain. Hopefully he will get help.
Never, ever, have I screamed at a partner in anger. Not once. Not on accident, not while drunk, not when breaking up, never. I wouldn’t ever treat someone I respect that way. It’s not how I think conflict is resolved, it’s not healthy or loving behavior.
Your partner believes differently. He’s telling you that he will treat you this way even if it scares you and even if you ask him to stop. He’s telling you that this is who he is and you should really listen to him.
Nobody is going to suggest you breaking up over incompatibility. Everybody is going to suggest that you break up over the abuse. Because he’s an abuser, and it’s going to slowly get worse until he kills you, and you should just cut your losses now. You haven’t overinvested yet.
I’ve been married 8 years and together with my wife for 11 years. I’ve never once yelled at or even come close to screaming at her. We have arguments and debates, sure, but if you have to yell to make your argument known to another adult that’s just silly.
Do some counseling together and separately. In the meantime, whenever either of you are about to raise your voice, instead, take a breather. It’s ok to say, “you know what, I’m pissed off right now so give me some space so I can chill TF out”. This is hard to do at first, but it becomes second nature. Wait until your heart rate isn’t pounding out of your chest anymore and then have a healthy conversation about what pissed you off.
I have been in the same situation as you.. 9 years and he didnt change one bit.
I heard things like:
“I hate when i scream at you, you look like a sad puppy”
“Look what youve done after one yell at you”
After break up he went to his friends and said he never yelled at me.. Our friends knew this is a bullshit because of his anger issues
Once he almost slapped me because i was annoying him humming to myself.
After years i am here alone and a shell of my former self he manipulated me and used me and brain washed me.
After some time i even convinced myself i deserve it.
So when you say dont suggest break up over incompatibility i just wanna warn you with what May come ahead in your life story. Take a good think baout your situation here.. Do you want your children to be scared of him too?
I had a 6 years and 9 months relationship, I never raised my voice.
Break up.
“Please don’t suggest me breaking up over incompatibility, I’m trying to figure out who should compromise on it.”
I’m not going to tell you to break up over incompatibility.
I’m going to recommend it because of immaturity, abusive behaviours, hypocrisy and the misguided notion that you can “compromise” with an abusive hypocrite.
You should see a counsellor for a little bit to help you understand what you deserve and how to draw boundaries.
It will also help you sort out the abusers from the guys who can compromise on things that are worth compromising on/over.
>Please don’t suggest me breaking up over incompatibility, I’m trying to figure out who should compromise on it
🙄
Your BF: wrong
Also you: kinda wrong
He’s screaming because you’re not listening, but he also doesn’t listen to you, and he also is making RIDICULOUS excuses for why he should be allowed to scream like a toddler except he’s a grown man. No. Just no.
> Please don’t suggest me breaking up over incompatibility
I think you have already realized that he is not going to change for you at this point so what do you expect? Do you want another ten years of him not doing chores, not listening to you, screaming at you when aggravated, and taking you for granted?
You need to learn about **assertiveness** and **communication**. So does he. Badly. Also, you need to be able to enforce some consequences when he screams at you. You live together? Next time he screams at you, pack your bag and go to your parents’ house or sister’s house. Btw this is traditionally how wives dealt with jerkoff young husbands back in the days when divorce wasn’t a thing. Just walk out and go home home every time he shows out until he can behave like a civilized human being.
If you just stay there and take it, you’re teaching him that this behavior is acceptable to you.
Please do read some self help books on communication. But also just leave when he acts like this. Tell him you can’t handle him right now and leave his presence.
It sounds like you guys just shouldn’t be together if you’re always fighting and arguing. It’s not going to get better. Cut your losses and find someone who respects you. This has gone long past figuring out “who needs to compromise”.
People who say they cannot be held responsible for their behaviour cannot be trusted and you should not be in a relationship with them. I was with someone like this when I was about your age, I stuck with them for way too long and they caused me psychological and emotional damage that has impacted other relationships. What if he gets so angry he ends up hitting you? Will that be your fault too? This is absolutely a red flag, please get out.
You prove your point by leaving him and not tolerating the behavior. No one should be yelling at you.
My husband read a story about how women get scared when men raise their voice at them and straight up asked me if he ever scared me because he would never ever want me to feel frightened because of him! Feeling scared of your partner is not okay.
If “he can’t be expected to control his tone of voice”, does he expect someone else to control it for him…? Someone can’t just scream or act out of line and then tell their partner they should be accepting and understanding of their bad behavior. If he has no control whatsoever over his emotions or how he speaks to you, then that’s a major concern.