26M, never had sex, never gotten past the first date in maybe 30 some dates. Basically we always go out, she says she had fun then ghosts me or says we’re not compatible. When does it make sense to just accept dating isn’t for you? I feel like I should just give up because I do the dating apps and get depressed because I get like no matches and conversations are always one sided and then if I do get a date it goes nowhere then I’m just really sad again. It’s like a positive feedback loop
18 comments
Me too In same boat
Never give up, you need to fully change your personality. I highly recommend you to watch the entire” Blueprint Decoded” by RSD (from 2007), this was the biggest mind shift for me.
I have tried dating apps on and off for five years. You have gotten farther than I have. Patience is key. There have been times where I’d delete the apps and give myself a break due to no matches. Later on, I’d download a app and try again. You just have to take your time and don’t rush it. There will be times where you may not find the one, but don’t let that stop you. I know that feeling of not finding the one and it’s not something to dwell over. Give yourself some breaks and keep trying when you feel you’re ready.
I think many can relate. Have you approached all 30 dates the same way. Like were they all through an app? Curious if maybe changing the approach input might lead to a different output.
It makes sense whenever it feels right for you. Don’t do anything that pains you.
“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”
Not to say anything you said is invalid. But is there something you could reflect on to make a change in yourself or your approach to relationships and dating? That’s purposefuly vague. Good luck! Peace and love
Buy a copy of Models by Mark Manson.
Get an escort, then once the monkey is off your back, start cold approaching
I wish I could
Me! Not exactly the same, F40+. I am feeling like maybe just trying for random hookups just to actually meet ppl! Not sure about that yet, I am a bit demi, so I won’t get as much out of it if we don’t connect so to speak. Maybe you should change your profile, or go with a different avenue? I’m in a different boat but I’ve read that you should try new activities that interest you and meet ppl with similar interests. That is the best advice I have. It’s a strange new world. I have recently concluded that 99% of ppl are selfish and don’t care about how others feel, just care about what they can get/use you for.
Also, actually better advice: change your attitude. Focus on making yourself happy and content by yourself. Stop worrying so much and be positive. When you send happy vibes into the universe it will attract happy vibes. Too confusing to explain right now but read up on that! Work on YOUR self esteem! It’s hard work,but you are worth it and deserve to find happiness and love,
seek professional help, and i dont mean a psychologist. get your toes wet, it will put a bounce in your step and a smile on your face. do not scrimp on this purchase and have fun.
Dating apps will crush your self esteem if you treat them like reality. They’re not. They’re addiction-based pieces of software meant to dangle hope and potential in front of your face while not necessarily delivering results because they’re algorithmically limiting your visibility, among other things. I used to date a lot on the apps until they all got nerfed by pay-to-play models. Now the paid versions don’t even come close to what the old version used to be. Plus, you’re trying to impress someone over text where you can’t read or vibe each other. So it’s like, if you don’t say one perfect thing after another, you risk losing their interest. It’s a lot of unnecessary and unnatural pressure to meet in a space where everyone is but you have no real context.
If the apps aren’t working for you, focus on going out more. Meet people IRL. Try different ways to get to know people. Get your friends to help with your dating profiles. Go speed dating. Do more events or meetup groups. Get a wingman. Dating as a bro is about getting rejected CONSTANTLY. It’s tough. What you’re looking for isn’t always going to be in one place. It’s going to be when you try all the places. Broaden your options.
>never gotten past the first date in maybe 30 some dates. Basically we always go out, she says she had fun then ghosts me or says we’re not compatible.
Pickup is a process. You have to approach, get her number, plan and go on the date, flirt and build comfort and attraction, escalate, bring her back somewhere, escalate and have sex.
You need to figure out how well you are doing in each step, what your sticking points are, and try different things in each step to move forward, not just focus on having sex.
There are a lot of guys out there who are scared of approaching or even talking to girls, the fact that you had 30 dates shows that you are already 1/2 way there and you are getting stuck on the date. Without knowing any details, I’m guessing you probably need to learn to flirt, be more masculine, confident and funny, and learn to tell stories in a passionate way.
-B
Take a break. Find hobbies and other sources of fulfillment. Come back when your head is clear.
My high school English teacher whose had a boyfriends since she was 16 married a man who had never been in a relationship prior. They were in their 30s. She said it created some bumps in the road, but she loves him deeply to this day.
There’s all kinds of love and all kinds of people out there. Some women are late bloomers and wouldn’t be opposed to dating another late bloomer even if he’s a virgin (for me, I care more if he’s willing to eat me out lmao).
You’re repeating the same things and expecting different results? Unless you’re over 6ft, muscular, good looking, or well known, you are not going to have much luck on dating apps. It’s not you, but for vast majority of men dating is difficult and at times not worth it. The advent of the same dating apps, and social media has made it exponentially more difficult.
Everything about life is about leverage, and if you want the upper hand you must increase your value via socio-economic status, reputation, health (I’m not talking about height as that you can’t control, but to have a fit body, that is 100% in your hand). It’s going to take work, but as men, when have we had the luxury of shying away from working?
You’re in an intriguing position. Without anymore to go on, I’d have to say the issue is either a social struggle, misrepresentation, or a difference in expectations.
How do your conversations go when you first setup the date? Is it a “hey, you’re cute, free tomorrow night?” Or is there a build up over a week or so? Do you have phone conversations before the date or strictly text?
I ask because I’m a firm believer that any man can get any woman with the right mindset and skills.
I did but I realise dating or being in a relationship wasn’t necessarily a priority for me.
If you’ve gotten 30 some dates & is only 26 you’re far from a lost cause. “Not compatible” usually just means that you’re bad at dating, it’s hard to say why without knowing you, but I was in a very similar situation when I was your age. It’s soul crushing but you need to analyze why it is that you get ghosted.
I used to think it was so weird that some men despite not being very good looking seemed to find partners so easily, while it was so damn hard for me despite me thinking I was a pretty decent guy. Then I got over that hump and it became pretty damn easy, last time I was single it took me about 2 months before I found my current girlfriend which I’ve been together with for over 2 years now. In that 2 month span I had plenty success before finding my girl.
I can watch dating shows now & usually spot if the dude is going to get turned down or not, it’s almost always the same story, and it might be the same for you. There’s a couple of things which I think easily stands out.
First they’re not relaxed at all on the date, it’s easy to get into that state because you feel there’s something at stake and you find that you have to control what you say & how you present yourself. As far as feeling something is at stake, you need to be in the mindset that it’s not the end of the world if the date doesn’t work out. Don’t be *too* controlled in what you say, that just comes off as being rigid, closed & ultimately boring. You’re not there only to present the best side of you, you’re also there to find out if your date lives up to what you want. Perhaps you’re desperate, and as such you feel that you don’t really have any requirements, sadly that kind of desperation is a huge turnoff for most dates & fairly easily shines through.
Somewhat connected is the fact that as a man you *must* be confident. That’s a hard part if you’re not, so you probably have to learn how to fake it until you truly are. Typical signs of not being confident is being subservient when talking, if he/she loves shellfish it’s perfectly okay that you don’t. It’s super common that men in particular when dating almost subconsciously try to fit into the requirements of the date & adapt their opinions, just don’t. Don’t be a contrarian ass, but there’s nothing wrong with not being on the same page about everything.
And lastly, if you find yourself being relegated to a friend it’s almost for certain because you don’t flirt, or are incredibly poor at it. That you either don’t initiate physical contact, or are poor at doing it, or have shitty timing. It’s a minefield in this day & age, but you must still do it, if you fuck it up it can get awkward and you’ll feel bad, but you have to realize that it’s not the end of the world. Nobody can get good at something without repetition.