I [20F] had two relationships in the past. First guy was terrible, I didn’t like him. It was five years ago, we only lasted for something like three months. He was totally not my type and I have no idea why we were together. Guess I was young. He really liked me though. I never wanted to talk about him cuz he was simply displeasing. He basically stole my first kiss without my consent. He also liked to kiss me so passionately in public which I didn’t like. He was a mother’s boy. He trusted his friends more than me. I can talk endlessly about the things I didn’t like about him. Since then thinking of him revolts me, even just by hearing his name. Even though five years have passed, it’s a feeling that is still haunting me now (it’s been slightly better but still).
The second one was serious. We dated for almost two years. I really liked him. He made me a much better person, happier and more confident. We loved each other and had fun all the time. I had sex the first time with him. We almost never fought, only during the beginning of our relationship. When we were fighting, I was terrified of him cuz he was kind of violent, both physically and character-wise. I was so helpless until we talked it through and he never did those things again.
We broke up because of distance. We started long distancing in January 2022. We gradually texted less frequently cuz I felt annoyed sharing things with him as it wasn’t reciprocal. It was always me sharing and him replying with words like “lol” and “wtf”. I knew from the start (even when we were still friends, when he started having feelings for me) that we would have this problem cuz most of the time he doesn’t know how to react to the things I say. It got worse when we are separated. Other than this we were perfectly happy. Two months ago I told him through facetime that I want a break. We talked a lot, I cried, then he made me laugh again. We were happy, despite knowing that it’s most likely our last call. It really is the happiest call I’ve had in a long time. Then we stopped texting each other things like good morning or location updates, but he still sent me cute cat videos and I sent him funny memes, as if we are back to being friends. More than a month ago I texted him saying I wanted to break up and he replied with “ok”.
My feelings for him immediately went down to zero. I don’t know why. Recently that familiar disgusted feeling is coming back to me. It’s the most obvious when I think about the intimacy. I cringe at those memories.
I really don’t like this feeling. It makes me less confident and more uncomfortable. I feel like if I continue with this feeling I will end up hating myself. I understand if I have this feeling for the first ex, but not the second one. I tried to google, some people had the same problem, but none of them have had a nice experience with their exes like I did. I know I have to seek help. Would appreciate very much.
TL;DR – Had a bad ex and a nice ex but I feel disgusted towards the both of them especially when I think about us being intimate. It’s annoying and hindering.
4 comments
It sounds like neither of them was worth feelings other than disgust in the first place. You are just finally seeing them objectively, instead of through a fog of hormones and pleasure-inducing neurochemicals.
A lot of people have a dating and relationship philosophy of “do what feels good and treat my partner like a great person until he shows he is not” and most of those people are disappointed and disgusted at the end of the relationship.
Remember how you feel about your exes when you are meeting potential dates in the future. Do not get physically or emotionally invested in someone until he proves he is worth your time and energy. Don’t think, believe, or hope someone is a great person just because you haven’t seen his bad side yet; assume he is only average until you have enough experience with him to know he has proven he is better. None of us is perfect – remember that when you think you have met “the perfect man”.
Those guys weren’t compatible with you. If anything it should make you more critical in selecting a new partner.
This is all a learning experience, the discomfort you feel will fade over time. Especially when you find someone who is compatible, you’ll actually value being intimate with that person.
I don’t want to play therapist, but you should maybe look into idealizing/devaluing, and splitting, or black and white thinking. These are features of BPD (doesn’t mean you have it), and it can make it so you quickly go from idealizing someone or seeing them in a really positive light to very quickly flipping the script (regardless of conscious decision) and having negative feelings towards them. Or, you could just try to look into therapy and work through and understand why you have these feelings.
YOu didn’t like one ex and the other was physically abusive. That explains it.
Don’t date people you don’t like. Flee at the first sign that a man is violent or controlling.
You might really benefit from reading the books More Than A Woman by Caitlin Moran, and Why Does He Do That? They’ll help you avoid more bad ex’s and wasting your own time.