“Toxic” relationship – broken up with after nearly 3 years

I \[F20\] just got out of a LDR relationship with my partner \[M20\] after nearly 3 years as he decided to end things. The relationship was never perfect and we’ve had a landslide of problems such as arguments, aggressiveness, guilt tripping, dishonesty and not talking/listening to each other. It wasn’t completely bad – we both helped each other a lot in a dark time, we were very close, he was one of the only people who cared to understand me and to try to help me, but I still hurt him multiple times, and have been hurt myself by him too.

I know everything I could’ve done better such as being more open, but at the same time I didn’t know how to discuss my problems with him without it escalating or an argument happening, so I just didn’t bring up my problems or frustrations and talked it over with a friend instead. I wouldn’t be so hurt about the breakup happening if we weren’t as close as we were and actively trying to improve and make it better, but I still made mistakes and even if they were small or misunderstandings, it was escalated and blown up. I know what I did wrong, but everything was made to be my fault, even if I tried to point out if he hurt me or something that upset me, that was still my fault or me trying to stop him “expressing his feelings”. I fully own up to what I did and I know if I was more open and didn’t make the stupid choices I did it could’ve worked out better, but at the same time I didn’t want to be walking on egg shells, feeling I can’t be honest or able to tell him when I’ve been hurt. I’ll repeat, we had a lot of good times, and that’s what’s hurting as that’s gone now, as well as the bond we had and any future plans.

I know it’s going to take a long time to move on, I’m just struggling with the fact that I am not going to see or talk to him again, and I’m scared of getting into another relationship and hurting that person or being hurt again, or not finding somebody who’s right for me and who loves me for who I am, not just somebody to hook up with until they find someone else. I know eventually I will find somebody, but it’s just hard and it hurts to know it won’t be the person I thought was going to be with me long-term, but wasn’t.

TDLR: Toxic 3 year break-up on a bad note after it was getting better, communication breakdown and hurting each other, finding it hard to think I will find the “right person” or somebody who’s like me/compatible as scared of hurting them or getting hurt again, or just not having what I had in common with this person.