When I sit and think about our relationship and situation for too long I just become more and more depressed. Denial is the only thing that gets me through at this point.
Im not sure really where this post is going but I guess all I want to know is how do I communicate with someone who doesn’t want to? No matter how hard I try, I just get silence in return. He chooses to not say a single word to me, to pretend I don’t exist. He averts his gaze, almost like a protective measure to distance himself from me. I ask a question, he says nothing. I press, he either gets annoyed or walks away from me. If it escalates, he goes to bed, no matter the hour of the day and sleeps. In an attempt to get away from me. The issue being I’ve spent so many years pent up on our issues, I do get frustrated. I’ve been wrestling my thoughts for months, years and then try to talk and it blows up in my face, he deflects and I get resentful. No matter how good my intentions, I fail. It ends with my not bothering to talk, at all. I just internalise everything, give him silent treatment while I recover and then pretend it never happened. Because whats the point? Be ignored? Have him angry at me? I might as well deal with it on my own as well. He doesn’t care either way.
It has to be my fault. I know I have made a lot of mistakes with him. We’ve been together for over 15 years, married for 4 and I worry that I’ve destroyed us irreparably. I have so much time, so many issues to think about, I now have years of retrospect for all of the ways I have let him down, and him me, and I just simmer and grieve simultaneously.
We never have sex, (1-2 times a year, sometimes not at all) we never communicate, we never do anything together except exist. I feel like he dumped me and we’re actually distant roommates but he forgot to tell me.
Sometimes I wonder why he treats me the way he does, then I get caught up in the resentment and think, he must be punishing me. In turn I punish him, and we go around and around. It’s almost like he’s annoyed I stayed and wants me to dump him. I want us to be better. He’d never tell me either way so all I have is my assumptions, which makes things worse…or maybe better. I wish I knew but also it sickens me to wonder how worse things will be to know the truth.
I’m waiting for the day he just says why are you still here? Leave. And i’ll be alone and struggling for the rest of my life.
5 comments
Why do you stay with him?
What is sex like now, the once or twice a year that you do it? Is there maybe a little more eye contact, a little more softness between you two in the days after? Or is it weird and cold afterward?
I don’t know everything between the two of you, but my first inclination when my husband and I begin to drift from stress is always to offer sex and to keep offering it until the tension dissipates.
IDK how that would work for you when things have been this bad for this long. You would need to be relentless (and not just with physical contact but with being vulnerable and open in general) until he started wanting to fix it too. But if you think it’s worth saving, then there’s no excuse not to start trying.
The past is in the past, best advice I can give that has worked for me is forgive yourself, move forward from today on, don’t give in to self doubt, maybe get some therapy, listen to motivational podcasts, become something new and great. Work on yourself. Make a list of things you want to change about yourself. See what happens. 👍
This sounds so painful for both of you. Would you ever consider counseling? It sounds like you are both stuck and aren’t communicating. A skilled third party might be needed to reconnect and move forward.
very similar case for my wife and I. Feels more accurate to say room mate. I don’t have any solutions or advice, just hope it helps that you’re not alone. For myself, the distance comes from lack of intimacy. It’s a vicious circle. Lack of it causes resentment, which causes more distance. I feel like she is oblivious to me and my needs(more resentment). etc. When we talk about it, she will initiate sex, but then I feel like it’s pity sex, not a true desire, which just reinforces my feeling of distance.
The frustration of seeing that I’m in a vicious circle and not able to break out is unbearable.