Hello there. A little background about me. Im a 25 year old, who had experienced major bullying depression, stagnation, self isolation and extreme low self esteem all throughout my pre teens, teen and early twentys. I come from a very restrictive mid western environment, went to a very religious school and never felt like I fit in due to my race, appearance, and interests. Ever since the age of 22 I have slowly become more positive, ambitious and attentive towards my self healing.
In fact I can now say that at 25, I have never felt this level of confidence towards myself, my appearance, my abilities and my future. However, I find myself so frustrated because one moment I will feel so sure of myself and my goals. I have dreams of being some kind an artist. Right now I am enrolled in art school and am in the process of starting a YouTube channel. Like I said some days I wake up and I have this strong drive, to get things done and work twords those goals. The self belief is there, and if I have doubts I still keep moving. I understand where I am in life and am content with it. I have a clear view of myself. I can see what kind of art I want to make, my vision for my self and my goals are clear. The ambition is so strong, it makes me happy. I want to always feel like this. But then like a day or two goes by and its like those previous feelings never even existed. My drive is gone, I feel like Im floundering. I spend the next few hours in a daze. While my body is stagnant my mind is racing, overthinking every life decision I have made. I can’t focus. Its almost as if the future doesn’t exist. All I know is the present and the past and they both just suck. Then before I know it its 9pm and I feel as if I wasted my day. Its so frustrating because I did feel those ambitious emotions and at one point I did have the confidence/self drive to back it up. Where did it go?
Can anyone help me understand this? This back and forth of feeling super motivated then super unsure is really bothering me. I want my sense of self, my drive and my ambition to stay. I want to feel them as much as possible. Maybe if I had more understanding, I could solve the problem. Any information, personal stories or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.