Tldr/ 23F and 26M – he broke up with me after I messed up and because of a few toxic habits of mine that I didn’t realise were so bad until he left me. He doesnt Want to lose me as a friend he mentioned while breaking up with me. Obviously i said no cause I was heartbroken. I have very well realised all my mistakes and I’m practicing self growth daily. I need to know how to approach him for another chance considering I know we’ll work out this time.
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Okay so Me 23 F and this guy 26 M broke up after 8 months after I messed up and really hurt him. he said he wanted me in his life as a friend only, after I did a few things that upset him and hurt him very badly. He told me he was heartbroken
PS – this guy fell in love with me faster than I did with him and treated me like a queen, was madly in love with me
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There were a few problems in our relationship –
Mainly from my side, I know I had some growing up to do and had to take accountability of my actions and also learn how to be in a relationship, have never been in one before.
This guy truly loved me and I did too and to a very big extent I believe we were meant to be and it definitely would work out if I did the changes from my side.
Keep in mind I’m not changing for a guy, but these are changes I need to make in life in general to grow as a person and for my family and friends
Now the damage is done I did mess up and apologised a lot from my side. It’s nothing too extreme but it’s something that’s happened before also from my side. (Acted like someone he doesn’t recognise when I’m drinking + a fewww more things that he was a lil insecure about)
Literally everything was fine just a few toxic traits of mine bothered him a lot
I know I deeply hurt him cause he cried and I’ve never seen him cry before.
It’s possible that the timing was just wrong as well for us to be together
I do however am very convinced that I can make it work this time. However he’s not in a receptive state of mind and was very angry/ stubborn still when I tried the next day after our break up. Should have left the pan while it’s hot
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I very strongly love and admire and care for this boy and I do believe sometimes in life some people are worth fighting for. He likewise loved me way too much. Never met a guy like him before. We were literally on a roll for nine months it’s sad that this had to end.
But I do know that he deserves a better me and that he and the old me would never work, I did have a bit of self growth to do which I am very very actively working on everyday.
So things that he mentioned on the last day I met him i.e. one day after our break up when I tried to go and fix it was –
Sometimes when a person is very angry you need to give them space
If you’re mature about this situation you could gain something very important- a friendship with him ( he wanted to be friends and I said absolutely NOT) cause he thought maybe we weren’t compatible relationship wise as I didn’t seem to be getting rid of my bad habits
He said we could be friends and then I never know what could happen or what that could lead to with him – a stronger relationship down the line but that just as of now it wasn’t the time for me to date him
He told me if he had to have a fight like this with his friend he would give them space for a while
He said maybe the timing was wrong for both of us and he doesn’t want to be with me
I said there was no chance of us being friends after this, cause he really broke my heart too and I didn’t want him as just a friend
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Now obviously all of this has given me false hope that he wants me to try again
But on the contrary he’s also given me advice on how to move on from him cause he saw me sobbing like crazy on that last day
He’s told me to get back into work, get back with my friends, remember I had a very happening life before him, take each day at a time and I will feel better
Move on from him completely and then later come back to being friends when I’m open to it
He’s told me maybe this is my age to have fun because I’m young and I shouldn’t be tied down (he was very much under the impression that I wanted attention from other guys)
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Obviously this shit is so confusing. He’s a very very mature guy in general but this is confusing
Now my plan is to take two weeks of absolutely no contact and work on my self and these bad toxic traits that I need to change, live my life etc etc
After two weeks speak to him and ask him to meet me
Admit responsibility for all my mistakes, tell him I’m actively working on it, tell him all the mistakes I’ve realised in our old relationship, tell him how it’ll be different this time and make it clear that I’m not asking to pick up where we left off from nor that I’m asking for a relationship at the moment
But I want to be friends with him, grow my friendship with him, be there for him like he has for me and when he does realise that I’ve actually changed to then be open to the idea of a relationship with me
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Am I on the right path? How should I approach this? Pls if possible don’t tell me to give up cause I know some things in life are worth fighting for 🙁
He needs to be in a calmer state of mind than he is, that’s why I’m giving him his space. How much space do I give the boy? Don’t want to give too much space that he starts moving on and finds others. Also any tips or advice you have for me would be very beneficial. Thanks In advance
5 comments
How long ago did this breakup happen?
From what I gather is that you are heartbroken right now and seeking some response most online strangers don’t have.
It depends on what toxic habits. If you were a junkie or an alcoholic for example… first you need to get past those before even considering a relationship… and YES absolutely keep everyone that supports you around yourself. I struggled with alcoholism after my first wife passed away.
If your toxic habit is being controlling and nagging then you should probably let this person go.
If you cheated on him then just move on.
You are extremely vague which makes this hard to judge. The one thing I notice that this is entirely is why he was upset. I am not talking details of what you did but why he was upset. How did he feel?
If he means that much to you focusing more on his hurt seems like it would be the obvious thing. This whole post was still very egocentric. If your thinking has always been this way keeping a good mature guy with a strong head on his shoulders will always be nearly impossible. I have a feeling your toxic traits probably mostly revolve around the fact you don’t take 30 seconds to consider others when you should even if they always consider you maybe? Just a guess….
Good luck though, I hope you can find a way to turn this into real growth
1. Don’t be delusional….No one can “work on myself” in only 2 weeks. This very naive statement is often used here on this forum by people who mess up other people’s lives, get consequences and immediately make all sorts of unrealistic promises. Real self reflection and improvement takes time and it can’t be done for the purpose of reconciling with an ex. You need a clean slate.
2. Your post is rambling too much. Focus on the important reasons of why he dumped you and see if it applies to all other relationships in your life, past and present. You sound fixated on fixing *this* relationship only. There’s lot of work you need to do.
Skimmed. What are the toxic traits you need to work on? The rest is fluff.