So I (21 y/o F) have been dating my boyfriend (28 y/o M) for about a year and a half. His parents live out of state so we frequently visit them. Every time we make a trip to see them, he makes a comment about how his mom will always be number one and no woman will every take her place. The first time was at Christmas time, where he grabbed his mom, looked at me, and said “I love you, but I’ll never love any woman more than my mom. ” I couldn’t help but turn bright red with embarrassment. I felt extremely disrespected. But I let it go and never discussed it with him. Every time we go up he lays his head on his moms lap and has her scratch his back and says “ mom always has the best back scratches. ” Which, fine, whatever I guess, but I’ve always gone out of my way to scratch his back every night after he’s had a long day, even if I get of my 12 hour shift and am tired myself. This last trip we were joking about his list of priorities and I said I didn’t even make the top ten. To which he responds with “yeah, but obviously mom is number one. ” I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or what. This last trip I finally said to his sister in from to him “ nothing is good enough to him unless his mom does it” and she laughed and agreed. He also won’t listen to me about things and will call his mom, just for her to tell him the same thing. He will be questioning a simple recipe,for example one time it was garlic bread, and I tell him how to make it. Then he tells me I’m wrong and FaceTimes his mom. I almost feel disrespected as a woman when he does this. He says he wants to marry me one day, but I will not be treated this way as a wife. All the posts I’ve read about momma’s boys are about guys with crazy moms, but his mom is the sweetest woman, who isn’t overbearing at all. Just a normal mom that loves her son. My problem is with him not with her whatsoever. How do I even go about this without causing tension between us.
TLDR: How do I address my issues about my boyfriend being too much of a momma’s boy without causing tension between us?
34 comments
What you need to call him is your EX boyfriend. This behavior WILL NOT CHANGE. Get out because if he disrespects you this way now it will be ten-fold once you are married. PERIOD.
“I can’t marry someone who isn’t prepared to put their wife first over their mother. And I don’t think I can date someone like that, either.”
My balls just retracted into my belly. Jeez! I am surprised she didn’t breastfeed him right then and there. I don’t know OP. I don’t know how you address this. I’d be dryer than the sahara.
Maybe in a neutral environment you explain that making these remarks in front of you is disrespectful and unattractive…. I doubt that he will stop doing it. Just maybe he shouldn’t do it in front of you…
I don’t know….
I just…
Wow.
He needs to be your EX. He is telling you exactly how it is- you will always come in second to his mom, forever and ever, Believe him.
Run far away OP. You should never have to settle for coming in second best to some dude’s mother.
If you expect him to change his behavior, it’s not going to happen. He’s s 28 year old man baby and you’ll never be a priority in his life. You’re so much younger than him, do yourself favor and leave.
Why are you tolerating any of this?
Drop him and inform the idiot that no sane woman will put up with his bullshit and to marry his mommy instead.
He’s using his mam as a means to disrespect you. If you’re finding yourself that far down his priority list and he’s weaponising his relationship with his mam to make it a competition – he’s garbage. Leave.
It sounds like he thinks it’s cute and he low-key wants you to be slightly jealous, probably so you’ll do more stuff for him than you already do.
I’d over dramatically shudder every time he does this and say “omg you’re giving me the ick” to make him realise how unattractive it is without having to sit him down and explain it to the little man baby
I think there’s a reason why he started to date an almost teenager when he was in his late twenties. Please don’t put up with this, it will not get better with marriage. He doesn’t respect you.
you drop this child and find someone your own age. it’s weird as hell that a 28 year old went after a 20 year old, his behavior just confirms the fact that he went after you because no woman his age would put up with his shit
I missed he was 28 until I read the comments. I think its a bit more than him being a mommas boy. I just don’t think he respects you, period. He doesn’t respect you enough to read a recipe, you don’t scratch his back right and he’s letting you know up front you’ll never compare.
He’s 28. He isn’t going to suddenly prioritize you after clearly letting you know he’s never going to put you above his mother. It’s your choice since he couldn’t have put his intentions any clearer.
This reads as triangulation. The way he’s trying to make YOU specifically know that you aren’t as important to him as his mum, it’s like he’s hoping you will try to compete and he will be able to get you to do things/ manipulate you more easily.
I mean, think about it, if a guy really felt this way about his mum and was a decent person, he wouldn’t get a girlfriend because he would feel bad for her having to play second fiddle.
It reminds me of when a guy tries to use a female friend to make you jealous, but this guy can’t get a female friend, so he uses his mum.
Dump him. Nothing will change that mentality
“I’ll never love any woman more than my mom”
“Nothing is good enough to him unless his mom does it”
“Yeah, but obviously mom is number one”
Okay… you know the truth.
“My problem is with him”
True, and that won’t change. He has explicitly and honestly informed you that his mother will always come before you.
For me, this would be untenable. I don’t know what your standards are, but you aren’t going to change his mindset.
You leave him. This is why he isn’t dating someone his own age. No 28 year old woman would put up with this nonsense.
Omg. This is INSANE.
Very seriously, how on earth are you still attracted to him after all this? Yuck.
Unless he’s the last man in your town I would move on. This is very very strange and so incredibly off putting.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
I think he’s shown you now more than enough times. Believe him! Run!
Sweetie. While I think the whole thing is deeply fucked up, he is being very clear. *Listen to him.* From his perspective there is no issue, he wants his mother to be #1 in his life, and he expects any partner he has to accept that. At least he’s being transparent about it, now it’s on you to decide if you want to put up with it or walk. Those are the only options.
This dude is almost 30 and has openly said you will never come between him and his mom. You can do better than this!!
Seriously, run. This never gets better.
Girl, how are you convincing yourself to settle for second best like this?
Ewww why do women keep allowing this shitty behavior. Dumb the dude
He went after you because you are young enough for him to train to accept the way he is with his mother and just go along with it. Which you have.
Dump him and go find someone better.
How do I address my boyfriend about being a momma’s boy?
Use these words: “This isn’t working for me and never will. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.”
He will never, ever, ever, ever change. Mommy will always come first. Ask me how I know.
You probably should break up with him. If he sees a future with you and is still putting his mother first and being so rude about it, he’s not
worth your time. My now husband wouldn’t take shit from his parents when we were dating. He still wont. My MIL made a mean comment about me to him on Christmas day when we were starting to get serious and he immediately left her house after only visiting for 15 minutes even though I wasn’t even there. A good partner will prioritize you and not make it a competition between you and their parent. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with his mother at the very least and even though you say she’s a nice woman, she isn’t doing anything to curb or chastise his weird behavior in front of her or you so it seems like she’s okay with it. I know I wouldn’t be okay with my child disrespecting their partner in such a manner.
And now you know why mommy’s darling doesn’t date in his own age-range, but had to hook an impressionable teenager…
I think he’s just a super weird dude who isn’t anywhere near ready to be in a committed adult relationship, and at 28, he probably won’t ever be. This is almost certainly why he went after someone so much younger – he thinks he can get away with being an inadequate partner to you and treating you poorly because you’re younger than he is.
At the same time… you say his mom is wonderful and not overbearing, and that it’s all his doing. But I think you should consider that maybe she’s just being sweet and agreeable with you because she doesn’t see you as a threat to their weird relationship, because your BF says all this stuff and you never object to it or leave him. Think about it – she’s letting him say all this weird, creepy stuff in front of her, and not addressing it at ALL, just smiling along like it’s normal? That tells me that she raised him with these inappropriate/nonexistent boundaries. She made him this way because she approves of his behavior and LIKES him acting this way. A parent who actually wanted their child to leave the nest and be independent and normal would have nipped that shit in the bud long ago. If nothing else, the first time she met you and he said right in front of her, “I’ll never love any woman more than my mom,” she would have called him out (whether in front of you or in private) and told him he needed to get his head out of his ass before he ruined the relationship by not prioritizing his partner.
Google emotional incest.
I am also 21, and ignoring the age gap, how can you see a nearly thirty year old man act that way with his mother?
I mean, some of it I’m sure is harmless, however he is laying his head on her lap, getting scratches (at thirty), saying she’s the number one most important thing (not family- just his mother, and his gf doesn’t make top ten?) – it reeks of emotional incest.
Run. You deserve someone who actually cares for you and prioritizes you, and respect you.
OP, don’t ever say “I will not be treated this way AS A WIFE.” When you accept something as the girlfriend, you’re inevitably accepting that it will be the same when you’re married. You need to stop accepting it as a girlfriend before you even consider marriage.
My major concern here is that he isn’t just a momma’s boy…
He actively utilizes this as a way to keep you in your place, which, to him, is low
He’s using this to undermine you. You’re wrong, not enough.
His goal I think is to get you jumping through hoops to compete with his idealized woman, so that you’re always asking what more you can do for him.
I don’t think he’s a mommas boy as much as he’s a manipulator. And yeah…your age gap matters here.
You’re putting up with this at …..21? You should be at the club with your best friends rn, not dealing with this nonsense. NEXT