I fucked up a ton. If anybody on here wants to give me advice or trash me or just read, you have every right to do whatever. Anyway, I went through the first 20 or so years of my life without any sexual experiences. That all changed when I finally had my first one, as I started getting some more after that. However, I made a fuckton of mistakes that I shouldn’t have and I was a massive idiot for that.
The first mistake starts when I had a thing with this girl last summer. I had had a rough day and asked her through the phone if she was willing to give me a blowjob that night. She agreed, and I went down to meet her. I asked if we were gonna get to it, and she laughed and told me that isn’t how it works. Specifically, she told me that it just has to naturally get there and that it’s not the social cue to ask like that. This wasn’t the first time she had taught me some things (Ex: How to kiss properly, cuddle positions, etc). I then jokingly begged and asked her if she could do it as I defy the norms. Some more playful banter occurred and she said “FINE” in a flirty way and blew me from there. A week later, she cut things off, saying my kink made her too uncomfortable. To this day, I realize I fucked up. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t have a proper understanding of coercion, and that’s pretty much what I did with her.
The second time, I had a fling with another girl that summer, and she was far more enraptured with me than the other girl. I would occasionally ask in the few times we saw each other if we could do more, but she usually didn’t want to, and I always respected that. The last time we met up, she gave me permission to go down on her. I asked if she could suck my dick afterward, and she nodded. She seemed reluctant to do so afterward, and worried, I told her repeatedly she didn’t have to if it made her uncomfortable. I worry I was a bit aggressive with it looking back. However, she insisted she wanted to, but just needed to adjust since I was her first blowjob. She went and did so, and our fling eventually ended, and she even admitted to me that night she had lied to me about being vaccinated from covid.
Now, here’s where the biggest, worst, and most significant mistake happens. I met a nice girl in my classes at school, and we got dinner one night and got to know each other. And no, I didn’t have feelings for her lol, we had talked one time in class and she seemed hella chill. I need to mention that regardless of my sexual experiences, I’m an extremely touchy person in general with my friends (Ex: Hugs, shoulder pats, fist bumps, etc). So there were a few times where I would jokingly pat the girl’s shoulder or something, but I told her at least 10 (Not exaggerating) times to always tell me to cut it out if the touchiness was ever too much, and she agreed and appreciated that. At my apartment later, I tried to make a move on her, but she politely declined and told me she had a boyfriend, even having thought I was gay. I told her I was straight (I didn’t realize I was bi at the time), and she gushed over having a potential gay best friend she could cuddle with and shit. At some point when we were talking more, I tried to hit her shoulder and I ACCIDENTALLY hit her boob at one point and immediately apologized. She told me she didn’t care and that I could just touch them if I wanted. I’m not proud of it, especially since she had a boyfriend, but I went along with it. But I took the time to fully discuss physical boundaries with her, and she told me she didn’t mind at all, just as long as I wasn’t running up to her in class and doing that shit. She even opened up about how she felt trapped in her relationship with her boyfriend, and I gave her advice and told her she shouldn’t stay with anyone out of obligation as it’s not good for both parties, and that she deserves happiness. It’s important to mention she had told me during our dinner that her father had sexually abused her as a kid. Now here’s where things get even worse. Over a week later, we ran into each other outside of our school building and chatted it up. Before I left, I jokingly quickly tapped her boob and walked off. I had unfortunately genuinely forgotten she had told me not to go up doing it in class, and I feel extremely ashamed that I still acted the way I did even after knowing she had been sexually abused. She later texted me that day saying she knows I appreciate honesty and transparency, and politely told me she didn’t want to be touched and that there were no hard feelings. I then apologized to her and assured her it wouldn’t happen again, offering to meet up in person to properly talk about things. Days later, I got a no contact order from my school and had to talk to an assistant dean, and she told me that the girl had told them we met up, I made a romantic advance and was politely rejected, and later groped her out of nowhere. I had talked to a lawyer the day before, and I explained my full side of the story to the dean, who understood and told me I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with the girl, and that she had told the school not to pursue an investigation.
Months after that, I had a few sexual encounters on Tinder. Around two of them, I look back and I’m ashamed to admit I may have coerced again. Specifically, with one of the girls, she was a little reluctant about me going down on her, also mentioning she felt bad about me putting my mouth there. Unfortunately, I asked a few more times, and she let me do so. I completely respected her request not to have any sex. And with two of the other girls, I don’t think it was really coercion, it was me moving too fast (To elaborate, I made a move and asked if I could kiss them after watching TV with them for like over half an hour, and they both agreed to do so). One of the girls even said I was really good with asking about boundaries and not doing certain things, and the other later said I was much nicer than creeps she met on the app.
Now, I’ve been told by a majority of my family and friends that I’m a kind-hearted, selfless, and considerate person. And I want to believe that, as I’ve spent the last several years of my life just trying to be a good person and doing the right thing. I know everyone has their strengths and flaws, but the things I’ve listed on this post are just fucking unacceptable. I already mentioned that my whole life, I’m a touchy friend and I’ve ALWAYS asked friends and girls I’m doing stuff with at least 10-15 times if they’re comfortable with what I’m doing and reminding them I can always stop at any point if I’m being too much. Sure, some of the girls I’ve been with have shown appreciation for this, but that doesn’t change the mistakes I’ve made. I was an idiot to not fully understand what coercion was, and this is all shit I gotta live with for the rest of my life. Hell, I even had mild aspirations to become famous, but no point in that anymore if I could get cancelled later on. Anyway, there’s my confession. I fucked up, but I’m trying to do better. I want to be better. Thank you for reading.