So my husband has two chores: mowing the yard and taking out the trash. He has pushed taking out the trash to our oldest child who is 11. She is easily able to take the trash bag to the can outside and I pay her $1.00 for that.
Mowing the yard has since become his job.Ive done it the last 11 years when I was a SAHM and had more time. I just checked our security cameras and the last time it was mowed was July 15th. I mowed the front yard two days ago because I had some time on the weekend and it looked awful. When I mow I make sure to not leave giant clumps with the mower, I weedeat everything, spray for weeds, and blow the grass clippings off. I didn’t have time to do the backyard with all the other chores I needed to do Saturday and Sunday.
When he came home Sunday he said “I could have gotten it but thank you for mowing the yard”. He has been taking vacation days lately like 4 in a row and has been watching the complete Marvel cinematic universe in that time, plus he goes in around 2pm most days. Today and tomorrow he will be off work but is watching more movies.
He does help with other stuff like taking the kids to appointments for me since I work from home, but need to be by my computer in case someone needs me.
He does mow it eventually, but its not up to my standards. It looks awful after hes done and he puts the least amount of effort in as possible. He never weedeats and our flower beds were completely green from weeds. Do I just let it go that he doesn’t care about our yard like I do? I’m physically embarrassed by the state of it most days.
29 comments
Can you take over mowing and trade some of your other chores?
Have you said anything to him? If yes, how did he respond?
Unfortunately, if you want him to do it, I think you have to release on it. Not everyone cares about their yards or takes the pride others do in keeping it sharp. It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation with him though, if you haven’t already, and explain why it’s important to you that certain things be done and done well.
I had the same battle with my wife when I got married. Our standards of clean were a lot different. I grew up in a household with a near OCD parent and thought normal clean was practically white glove. For a while, I was going back behind her and redoing her work, which caused problems for both of us. It took time, but I realized eventually that unless I wanted to do everything, I had to let her do things her way the way she was accustomed to. It still frustrates me, but it’s not worth the battle.
I do the yards because I like to and because it sets the impression I want outside the home. I can live with the inside day to day knowing most will never see it.
If that’s important to you, and he isn’t willing to go the extra mile, talk to him about trading off for something else he enjoys more and will do a good job on.
Would it be possible to trade chores? If he did something else, it would free up your time so you’d be able to do the yard to your standard.
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t seem willing to lift a finger in the home. Not all guys are like that. My husband works full time (as do I) and still does more than 50% of the cooking and cleaning at home without being asked to. Whether you should let it go is so personal that it’s hard for me to know what to say. What works for you might be unbearable to me.
I couldn’t stand to be with a guy who refused to clean, take out the trash, or take care of the yard. That’s just my preference. I’m bored by men who can’t cook for themselves. If my husband refused to do anything, I’d say ok well I guess this is where we budget for a housekeeper because I’m not going to do it all.
I’d say if you’re willing to tolerate an old fashioned kind of situation where your man comes home from work and flops on the couch while you mow, then just do it or pay some neighborhood kid to do it regularly. And if you’re not OK with it, you might need to drag him to counseling in order to renegotiate the terms of your marriage. Good luck!
My husband had the same issues. I work too full time and homeschool the kid. He works. I finally got tired of bitching about it so I hired a lawn service
He’s not “taking the kids to appointments *for you*” he’s taking his own kids to their appointments.
Does your husband pay all of the household expenses expenses? Just trying to understand why he doesn’t contribute to the upkeep of the home he lives in. Perhaps he can pay for a gardener and housekeeper to take on his share of the chores?
Intentional incompetence. Don’t put up with it. Split the chores equally.
Sounds like he’s pretending to be incompetent so that you’ll do everything. If he walks away again say, “oh don’t worry! I’ll teach you and help you practice so you can learn!!!”
You’re fixating on the state of your yard because it’s less painful that realizing your husband dumps everything else on you.
A fully grown man is more than capable to complete any and all house chores. If he simply hates mowing then he can switch for something else. I hate vacuuming so my husband does that and I take out the trash and recycling. Just sit down and have a clear conversation. Mine also likes when I write things down for him so he doesn’t forget. So each Monday I write a list of all the things that need done that week so he can select when he does it. It makes me feel like I’m not nagging and is a visual reminder for him
What does he actually *do*??
What is this “man” (and I use this term lightly) bring to the table??
What I do with my husband is have a conversation with him around his responsibilities and our expectations. We come to an agreement on when and how it should be done.
But I have a feeling this won’t work with your husband because he doesn’t seem to give a shit and is happy for you to do everything for him.
My husband’s only chore is also taking care of the yard. He also trims the hedges and removes tree branches when they touch our house. I’m a SAHP to older children so I do everything else in the house. That isn’t to say he doesn’t pitch in sometimes or that he doesn’t help when I ask (he does) but it’s my primary responsibility. I’m ok with that because I never have to do anything to the yard including asking him to mow. If it’s your husband’s chore than he should take care of it and do a good job. He certainly has time if he’s taking vacation for 4 days and watching all of the Marvel movies or whatever. Work before play.
the yard is my thing i guess you can say Omerta for me…. I had surgery on Friday 29th and my FIL from Italy mowed for me that weekend and that really boiled me… one he did a bad job, two he’s up there in age and he’s not use to the southern heat with humidity and combine that with him having a heart attack a few years ago I wasn’t pleased. I was out there mowing it again last weekend lol.
Hire people for all this work and hand the invoices to your hubs to be paid.
So your saying your husband is essentially useless around the house and it seems to me that he is so useless because you have allowed him to be. Setting aside the fact that you married a man baby who takes time off of work to watch movies, WTF do you have Stockholm Syndrome. My wife and I both work full time and we pretty much split household responsibilities 50/50. Also, a man taking care of his kids shouldn’t be praised for “helping” you out. He’s a parent. Time for you to get his ass off the couch and more involved.
I had a hard time letting go of the resentment I had for my husband for not being expected to do chores growing up but luckily he was receptive to me telling him he had to learn. We would do things together at first so I can show him the ropes and explain to him why I do something a certain way (knives get ruined in dishwasher etc), and then slowly would ask him to do it himself and now he really does more than me around the house. After learning how to do all chores he finds some, like doing the dishes, calming and I despise dishes so it works out for us. If he is unwilling to learn he is a grown man and not everything can be done for him, there are bigger problems at hand. You can be independent and hold him to a higher standard. It will become exhausting having to do everything yourself over time when you should have a willing, capable partner there to help just bc he wants to take the load off of you not because he has to or anything. Good luck
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/weaponized-incompetence
He’s being a slob.
Do you think he could be depressed? Why is he taking time off to watch movies all day?
Ok, so I can’t comment on your circumstances, but in our household:
1) I do the cooking
2) I do the laundry, dishes, tidying, most of the cleaning
3) I do school pickups and drop offs
4) I take our daughter out every free day
5) I organise general combined finances (bills, mortgage etc.)
6) of the two of us, I am the higher earner
7) I’m the dad!
I pay for a lawn guy. It’s annoying, but better than being pissed off at my husband. At least for that. My husband can be very lazy. He doesn’t care about much of anything around the house so the cleaning falls on me and I refuse to add the yard to my list.
sounds like you have never talked about any of this, possibly because you are afraid to confront him. That’s what he is counting on, as long as he can get away with being lazy and you doing everything he will. You need to talk to him, then confront him and not let it go until he understands you will not be happy until he works full time and or helps out.
He sounds like my son when he was 15 years old! He is trying to avoid responsibility because he probably had none growing up. Sorry for the situation you’re in…it has to be very frustrating!
There’s something deeper going on here, for both of you and I think if you want your marriage to last you need to talk to him and not about the grass.
He’s doing an intentionally poor job but you also describe it as ‘not up to my standards’- I don’t hear that either of you feel respected. You have to check the cameras the way you’d check up on a poor-performing employee. Not saying you did anything wrong, but that’s not a lot of trust.
I read an amazing book recently by a divorce mediator who tells a story about clients who couldn’t stop fighting over a crock pot. The entire divorce stalled out because they shredded each other about who got the crock pot. Finally he asked them both to imagine what it would be like if they got what they wanted. What would that mean to them?
She said the crock pot was a wedding gift and she’d always envisioned using it to make classic Sunday dinners like her mom, the kind that were so valued by a stable loving family, but she couldn’t cook. He said she was the one to chose divorce and he felt like hanging onto the crock pot both punished her for hurting him, but also delayed the inevitable.
It’s never just about the crock pot.
A hundred strangers on Reddit agreeing your husband sounds like a lazy POS might help you ‘win’ but it will not save your marriage. There isn’t enough ‘being right’ when something bigger is festering. You have to have the hard talk. You have to ask him, to his face, what his crock pot is.
I’m sorry, you ALSO work??? Why is it taking the kids to appointments for you? They aren’t his children?
People treat us how we allow them to OP. My wife wouldn’t put up with a 1/10th of this shit and neither should you.
How do I apply for this in a relationship? Kidding, but unfortunately it sounds like he’s been allowed to act this way for so long that he’s either willingly shirking his responsibility, or truly doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Have you brought up your concerns with him?
I’ve been mowing since I was 5yrs old, pay your daughter to do it after teaching her how to do it properly and pay her for it if you want.
But why are you with this man? What do you get from this relationship if he doesn’t help with anything and only sometimes helps with your children you had together by taking them to appointments?
I would really recommend making a list and having a sit down together, try marriage counseling , if things don’t change just remember that your kids are learning from this, that it’s okay to be treated this way or to treat others the way daddy treats mommy, because if it wasn’t okay mommy wouldn’t put up with it.