I (28F) have been with my bf (32M) who I love, for almost 7 years now.
Over the last few years I’ve been noticing things that have bothered me. Mostly the imbalance of work/ life admin that gets done around the house. Even if I’m sick, the majority of the responsibility falls on me. We both have stressful jobs and I have additional family responsibilities compared to him.
I’ve tried raising this but it always ends in an argument so it’s mostly left alone, as I’ve lost the energy to fight about it.
What’s compounded this is our lack of sexual intimacy. I feel like a terrible person for writing this, as he is affectionate in other ways – he tells me I’m beautiful, we cuddle all the time, hold hands and he kisses my head. But when it comes to anything more than that he always has an excuse. He’s usually tired. Up until about a month ago, he attributed it to a medication he was taking which has now stopped, and nothing’s changed. I’ve tried being so patient and sensitive when trying to discuss it but it always ends up in an argument and usually false promises from him, and apologies from me. He reassures me it’s nothing to do with me, and either tells me I’ve picked a bad time or he doesn’t feel like it.
I’ve tried talking to him about fantasies, dressing up, getting toys… nothing works. We have sex maybe once every 2 months, sometimes longer.
This has been more of a problem over the last few years. I’ve always told myself that there are more important things, like how he makes me laugh and how he supports me. But recently I went on a hen do, and I was complimented by some guys when I was out. I realised it was the first time I felt good about myself, like I was attractive and like someone might want me in that way.
Since then it’s been bothering me more because I can’t stop thinking about how I’d feel if I was with someone who wanted me in that way… not only with my perception of myself but also the standards I believe I deserve.
I’ve done some reading and all people suggest in this scenario is that the guy is either not attracted to the other person any more, he’s having sex elsewhere, or he’s gay. I’ve considered the first one the most. The second is unlikely given the fact we’re rarely away (although we don’t work together we work at the same place). I doubt the last one but I guess anyone would.
Beyond the way its making me feel about myself, the sexual frustration (believe me, its significant as a woman in my late twenties), his lack of effort to change things despite numerous attempts to discuss it have me wondering if he really cares for me or if I’m being taken for granted. Or maybe I’m overreacting.
Any advice would be most appreciated internet.
Thank you.
7 comments
You can’t force someone to have sex with you whether it’s a medical issue or not.
He says no to sex and you have to determine if this is a relationship dynamic that you can live with.
No one here can make him have sex with you if he doesn’t want to.
Couple thoughts. While probably less likely, his sex drive has taken a dive due to medication or health reasons (testosterone, stress, high blood pressure etc.
Perhaps he is just so comfortable with the relationship. And maybe time away from each other is a good thing?
However, I don’t care what the cause of lower sex drive is, it doesn’t excuse making your partner do a majority of the cleaning . That’s just personal laziness. And maybe that is a contributing factor to the lack of sex.
Yes he shows affection in other ways but I sure bet that when those guys were making you feel attractive, he hasn’t been doing that? Has he?
Grab your independence and explore. I’m sure you will find someone who makes you feel great about yourself. That’s what you deserve
You’re not getting a basic, human need met. It isn’t going to get better and to simply try to talk yourself out of being normal (wanting sex) to settle for something abnormal (no sex) is a recipe for disaster and misery. It’s already been seven years and he hasn’t married you, now he’s not giving you a normal sex life? You need to move on.
Dude is probably depressed.
>I’ve done some reading and all people suggest in this scenario is that the guy is either not attracted to the other person any more, he’s having sex elsewhere, or he’s gay. I’ve considered the first one the most.
First of all, please get these ideas out of your head and revise your Google searches if this is all they bring up. While all three of these options are certainly a possibility, chances are much more likely that your boyfriend’s decreased libido is the result of more benign reasons.
I know it’s often drilled into everyone that men are supposed to want sex all the time and if they don’t, something must be wrong with them, but men aren’t like a completely different species. Much like any woman out there, your boyfriend’s decreased libido can easily have its roots in medical issues, stress, other mental health problems, and so on and so forth.
If you are reaching the end of your rope and don’t want to remain in a sexless relationship, this is what you should talk to him about. Stop trying to entice your boyfriend by talking about your fantasies, dressing up and whatever else to no avail. Sit him down and honestly tell him that your current dynamic is not something you can live with long-term and ask him to brainstorm solutions with you.
Has he seen a doctor to rule out any physical causes for his decreased sex drive? If yes, has he seen a therapist to rule out any psychological issues for it? If yes or not needed, will he agree with couples counselling or sex counselling with you? These questions are just for a start.
So. You already have a massive imbalance on the home front. Google mental load comic and she left me because I left the dishes by the sink. See if any of that is what you want to live with the rest of your life.
You say he supports you? How? With empty words? He give you excuses. Do you ask him, what are you willing/planning to DO to help with these issues that are a barrier to this?
There are a TON of men who will look baffled as fuck when their partner finally gets sick enough of not being treated properly and leave. Google walkaway wife. To them, it never seemed “bad enough” for him to do anything about. After all, HE was fine. And your complaints are handled well enough with excuses.
MANY people, even adults who may not have actually had to face much in the way of consequences growing up and whatnot, do not “get it” until consequences are delivered. He MAY change for some future partner. But with you? Probably won’t “get it” until you are long gone.
How long has this been going on for? Don’t tell me 7 years!!!