Hi. I’m a 32F and my husband 38M is not happy about my pregnancy. For starters, we have 4 children. I know this is a lot. It’s what we agreed on.
I was not able to get a tubal with my last c-Section because I delivered at a Catholic Hospital. My husband said that he would be getting a vasectomy. I tried to get an IUD in the meantime but I was not a candidate because during placement my uterus was outside the measurement parameters. I told him this and told him that it was on him as I’ve had 4 births and I’m unable to have an iud placed. He refused condoms. Always insisted on just pulling out. Asked again about vasectomy. He once again shrugged it off. However, he was very adamant that he didn’t not want any more children. This made me feel completely responsible if a child would be conceived and it was hard to be intimate with him.
At my last annual in March, I asked for the nuvaring. I didn’t want to be on hormonal BC because I’ve been on it for a good part of 16 years and I get awful migraines. I “took one for the team” and used the nuvaring for 3.5 months. He continued to “pull out”.
Over the 4th of July we got Covid again and I was late on picking up my BC from the pharmacy because I was sick. I picked it up 4 days late. We had sex once and he really was sloppy at his pull out. I discarded my Nuvaring when it was time to have my period and it never came. I took a test and it was positive.
I told my husband. I was terrified. He said “well I guess that’s on me” and asked when I would be due. He’s been working 70 hours a week trying to finish a project at work so I haven’t seen or talked to him much. Last night I tried to talk to him and he was very upset. He told me we can’t afford another kid (we can), our car won’t hold another (it will), that he will never get to retire, that he’s too old, that we won’t get to fly anywhere on vacation. I said so are you saying you want to explore options other than having this child and he asked if we could schedule it and change our minds and cancel it. Mind you, we live in a red state and cannot get an abortion here.
I started sobbing. Adding another child is scary. Having an abortion and living with regret to save my marriage is scary. Having a child that my husband doesn’t want is scary. There are no winners here and I don’t know what to do.
TL;DR: husband refused to get snip, I was late starting my BC, baby #5 was conceived. Husband wants to consider abortion. I know abortion would potentially fuck with my head for life.
35 comments
What do you want people to tell you? With 4 children already you should know using the pull out method is risky and if your husband is that immature that he still continues to have sex, you included, especially when you know you missed BC, what do you want anyone to say?
He refused condoms and a vasectomy so I really don’t see him getting a say here. I’m not sure if your relationship will survive that, but that’s my opinion. Good luck with however you proceed
People like your husband piss me off. Like does he not know how babies are made after 4 kids?! If he really didn’t want another kid, than he should have taken responsibility by getting a vasectomy. At least you were an adult and got on birth control. You need to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him flat out what you want and what your boundaries are. Your pregnant, and do not want to have the procedure. (Which would cost hundreds of dollars for you to travel to another state for, IF your early enough and pass the requirements) That he is gonna love and care about this child just like they deserve to be loved and cared for. Finally, he is GETTING a vasectomy. I get so annoyed when people blame women for getting pregnant when the guys are equally responsible for their reproductive parts
First off, He will retire fine. Most people can’t and don’t retire before 65 and he will be 58 when the kid is 18.
Frankly, he had all the opportunities to prevent this and didn’t take them. He had a say about that. Now that he didn’t take those options, he is reaping the consequences. He has no say in this now. This is only up to you. You know this will mess you up for the rest of your life. So don’t do it. Either he will accept that or he won’t.
You said you can afford it and the car and home can take another. There is no reason to comply with this. Besides, he said you can “choose against and cancel” so just tell him you are against it and you will keep it.
You choose.
“well you should’ve thought about going through the vasectomy like we planned. I am not getting an abortion. if another child was a dealbreaker you should’ve gotten the procedure done”
Your body and mind.
He is worried about himself, but he is the one who failed to get snipped.
Have you considered therapy to talk to someone who can actually help you with this?
My last was conceived because my husband cancelled his vasectomy 3x. Yes booked and cancelled.
I told him we couldn’t have sex on My ovulation days and he insisted and said “that’s an excuse you never get pregnant anyways”.
So I did get pregnant. And it was very hard for me. He got to escape to work and I was left sick and pregnant dealing with kids. I had major resentment that spilled over into ppd and made having another baby at 32 a incredibly difficult experience. He did want the baby though. I hate thinking about that time because it makes me feel guilty as a mother that I struggled so hard being excited to have another child. But it’s a reality for many and I share it only to support other moms who I don’t want to feel alone in these situations.
My friend was pregnant with her 5th at the same time. Same story, husband didn’t get the vasectomy but was super upset with another child. He got over it. They had 9 months to adjust. I mean she did pretty much 99% of the parenting anyways before. But they are happy.
But the “being old and a parent” hits hard. It’s different for those of us who already have kids vs those who are just starting when they are in their 30’s. we saw the finish line and now it’s moved.
But long story short. Don’t get an abortion if it’s not something you feel you could handle. I know people who have had abortions and it’s just a different struggle, one the mom deals with alone. Don’t get me wrong – I’m pro choice and would support you both ways. But I don’t support you being forced to do something you don’t feel comfortable with.
As a guy and a father, the attitude of your husband pisses me off incredibly. His lack of responsibility in not getting the snip is just ludicrous and this has caused you to now be here.
At this stage and considering the circumstances, you are about to have child #5 so maybe **NOW** he will get the fucking snip!!
Congrats of child #5 though OP – you’ll love it just as much as you love the other 4. Tell your kids and get them excited and watch it rub off against your husband. It’ll shut down his asking for an abortion very quickly.
And then book him in for the snip. It’s a couple of hours out of his time and he’ll get over it in a couple of days.
Edit: Sorry I’m so angry at your husband for what he is putting you through.
> He told me we can’t afford another kid (we can), our car won’t hold another (it will), that he will never get to retire, that he’s too old, that we won’t get to fly anywhere on vacation.
And all it would’ve taken was for him to have the snip and it never would’ve happened – but nooooooo, he has to have his head up his butt, drop it all on you and expect you to have the solution when the inevitable happened.
Boo frigging hoo to his missed dreams. He caused this, he can suck it up and get used to having 5 kids.
Sorry OP but I am so angry at your idiot selfish husband over this and especially his reaction. It’s just argggggghhhhh!!
Not really sure what advice you’re looking for. You already have 4 kids. Neither of you were super preventative, so it’s not a surprise how this happened. He can be grumpy if he wants, but he had options he didn’t use. Personally, I’m kind of aghast that anyone would have ~~4~~ 5 kids in this day and age, but it’s your life.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and the birth control situation should not have 100% been your responsibility. Now there are a few things to consider: if you were to have baby #5 do you think you and your husband can handle raising 5 children? Will this be financially feasible for at least another 18 years (you and your husband seem to have conflicting statements regarding your family finances)? Do you think your marriage will be okay? Will your husband resent you for having another baby? If it comes down to it, would you prioritize baby #5 over your marriage?
Now, I’m not American so I’m not entirely sure how the whole system works (but have heard of the recent changes regarding abortion) but if you wanted to go through with an abortion, could you go to a different state to get it done? Are there other options you could look at (adoption)?
Goodluck!
Jesus, five kids? I just had a panic attack thinking about it. I just can’t wrap my mind around that. I do wish you luck in figuring it all out.
He needs to take responsibility now for what he has done. If he was absolutely done with having more children then he should have had the vasectomy.
So much good advice already here. Just came on to say that you have to make the decision YOU can live with. Your husband needs to take responsibility and support you whatever that decision is.
No matter what, you need to take care of yourself. After this baby, you go to a secular hospital for your sterilization. You cannot trust your roommate. Because that’s all he is, just a roommate. He’s no husband.
I guess I don’t understand why you kept having s*x or having it without condoms. Perhaps practicing abstinence until he got a vasectomy would have done the trick.
It’s sad that you knew he would be mad. I mean, the gall of your husband to not take ANY responsibility for BC and let you “take one for the team” consistently but then getting mad at YOU about the pregnancy. He gets to have all the fun, you get all the responsibility and the blame, and I don’t get why you let him get away with it.
Both of you are equally responsible for this pregnancy, so both of you need to calm down and figure it out. Check your finances, talk about options, and try to come up with a solution you can both live with. Yes, it’s your body and your decision ultimately but it’s not a decision without a lot of impact on your husband and your existing children. So both of you: talk.
Everyone is talking about responsibility and who is to blame, but that is not relevant, nor is it relationship advice. What’s done is done. You need to decide what is best for you moving forward. If you have the baby, your husband may resent you. If you have an abortion, you may resent him. No easy answer. Good luck.
I’m sorry you’re husband is not responsible. After our third, my wife was set to get an IUD. The day before she got anxiety and just couldn’t do it. We knew we were done with kids though, so I scheduled an appointment and got a vasectomy. My sure to schedule it at a time when the kids weren’t around so could recover. The procwss was not hard to do
At this point, youv are in a no win situation. Your seen resolved to keep this baby, but you need to tell our hell book the appointment yourself for him to get a vasectomy.
And you’ll have a 6th kid and he’ll still say “this one is on me”. And 7th.
Tell him that you won’t even have a Discussion about an abortion until his vasectomy is complete.
If you have the abortion he still won’t be able to have sex with you. Ever. Until he has a goddamn vasectomy.
I would be done with my husband if he decided he wanted me to have an abortion without a vasectomy already booked.
Nope, no abortion here. Enjoy your Whoops and tell him to stfu.
Tell him he can have a vasectomy to prevent kid #6!!!
You already have 4 kids you don’t need a 5th and lets be honest with 4 devil’s is work enough.
Youve had plenty of miscarriages in your life you don’t even know about every woman has 3-4 in her lifetime. Just because you decided is no different.
Now tell your husband to man the fuck up and snip his fucking Willie, what does he want to repopulate the earth. How much fucking genes does he need,.
You tell him if he wants an abortion put his fucking mouth where it is and march into a vasectomy tomorrow. Then afterwards you can go have an abortion.
Also remember it’s not a real abortion, the thing is small as heck, you’ll get some pills and it will force a early period that sheds the lining and makes the egg not attach. They don’t go in there and suck it up. That’s for very late abortions.
I’d be telling him I’ll (try to) get an abortion after he passes his post vasectomy zero sperm count test. If it’s that important to him, he’ll move mountains to get it done in time. If he proves he’s that serious, I’d be able to go along with it. He gets a second chance. Leaves all the responsibility in his hands. If it’s too late, well, tough luck daddy.
I feel so bad. Your husband sounds awful. I hope you’re OK.
PULL OUT METHOD IS NOT A BIRTH CONTROL! There is sperm BEFORE he finishes.
He is basically trying to get you pregnant. That’s what it is. Because he doesn’t give a shit.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself!
You should never have sex with him again until he has a vasectomy and all the tests after that to show he has 0 sperm. On top of that, just to be safe, I wouldn’t have sex for 6 months after vasectomy.
He is not old, by the way, my dad was his age when he has the first child and it’s 3 of us. He was a much more present and helpful father than your husband, though.
I don’t know why guys don’t get vasectomies when they’re done with kids. Greatest procedure ever. Tons of risk free sex, no awkward pauses….just the best.
And to the poster, I am so sorry that you’re going through a no-win situation. If you were my wife, I would advocate for an abortion because whatever regret you may feel will be far outweighed by the negative impact on your marriage, finances and other children of adding a fifth kid. But everybody sees this differently so I only hope that whatever decision you make works out for you. Sending love and strength your way.
The fault here is 95% his (the 5% being that you COULD have said no to sex considering the BC situation) so he needs to step up and deal with it. It seems you have a grip on the finances and also know how to run the household with multiple kids so your perspective seems valid unless there’s something you’re not telling us or maybe that he’s not telling you.
About retirement, did he have intentions of retiring “early”? The usual retirement age is increasing so he won’t be eligible for SS until he’s 67.
Also, about the snip, I know everyone is different but when my ex had his, it was outpatient. He went to the surgery center alone. It was on a Thursday. I came home from work to him wearing a R-shirt, sandals and an ice pack. He went back to work the following Monday. It doesn’t make anyone “less of a man” to be firing blanks. If there’s no target, why does he need that kind of ammo?
Best wishes with whatever you choose. Just don’t let him bully you into something you’ll regret and don’t let him sidestep his responsibility in this.
You do what YOU are comfortable with. Tell him to get the snip, that he knows the pull out is NOT effective and if he had had the vasectomy you wouldn’t be in this situation.
It’s 2022 and some people still think pulling out prevents pregnancy smh
This is on your husband. Why didn’t he get a vasectomy.
Tell him to to get to the doctor and get it done.
Now your pregnant again and have to go through that.
Bottom line he is a selfish. Tell him you will not have sex with him again until he gets snipped
What a fool he is.
You are just as much to blame as him. After 4 kids you know how it works. Why continue having sex thinking the pull out method is 100%?
I just have one question, Are you prepared to take care of 5 kids alone?
So why is no one saying “girl, you know how babies are made too?”
it would feel wrong to me to bring a baby into the world that wasn’t wanted by both parents. what happens when you have it and he treats this child differently because he never wanted it. would that affect the way the child felt about itself? just a thought don’t mean any offense.
Not to sound rude OP but your husband is a tool. Refusing to get the snip or even do the bare minimum of using condoms, and continuing to have sex when he says he doesn’t want more and putting all the BC responsibilities on you is ridiculous. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but I would seriously have a talk with him no matter what you decide on his laziness and expectations for you to handle all BC. It’s not okay and if he was so vehemently against baby #5 he should’ve taken some initiative. This isn’t on you at all, and if you don’t think you can live with an abortion, don’t get one. Don’t let him put all the reproductive responsibilities on you. It’s totally up to you what you want to do here.
If you abort this time (no judgement either way, very pro choice here) what happens after? Will hé get a vasectomy to prevent this from happening again? That should be a requirement either way. If you do decide to abort the risk is all on you. Men aren’t the ones going to prison for miscarrying, they aren’t the ones whose lives are at risk if something goes wrong and you need a late term abortion to save your life.
I’m truly baffled by both OP and husband.
“We don’t want another child, so let’s make sure we do everything conducive to having another child”