I’m completely new to Reddit, so I’m sorry if this is the wrong place or is weird or anything of that nature. I’ve been watching the Reddit videos on YouTube and decided to approach you all with my own issues, as I’m really unsure of what to do.
As the title says – I’m a single mum (34) with a teenage son (14).
Due to many complications in our relationship my (now ex) husband and I broke up 7 years ago. He enjoyed partying too much (reason for breakup) and he ended up dying whilst on holiday abroad 3 years ago whilst partying with his friends. We co-parented pretty well, despite our differences, and it hurt both myself and my son when he passed.
We both went into therapy for a couple of years (he refused to go without me) to help us to come to terms with the fact that ex husband is gone forever. I’m not saying that things are better, and I’m pretty sure that it may be part of the problem, but the therapist could do no more.
That’s the backstory, I suppose.
So recently my son has been spending more time in his room with his door closed. Yes. I know why. I’m a mum, I’m not stupid. That’s not the problem. He still does his outdoor activities – football, cycling (BMX), going out with friends, gaming, etc etc. So I’m not worried about him socially or anything like that. He’s actually still happy-go-lucky, bubbly, and generally seems to be loving life.
However, he’s just recently started “accidentally” walking in on me. At first I thought it was genuine accidents, then I realised it was only happening during times that he thought I might be in compromising positions (getting ready for work in the morning/changing in the evening/in the shower/etc). Again, could be a genuine mistake, I may be over thinking things.
I decided to put locks on doors – the bathrooms (long overdue, the old bolt lock had been painted over at some point in the past) and bedrooms all now have locks. Sorted.
The doors rattled a few times when I was in said rooms, but nothing more than that and it died away.
Now he’s decided to take up swimming and wants us to go on a family swim. Fine. Happy to spend time bonding. I get out my one-piece and he turns his nose up in disgust and said he “thought I was a cool mum”. When I asked for clarity he suggested a bikini would look better. Uncomfortable. I told him that what I wear has nothing to do with him and that was that. We’ve been swimming for a few weeks. He mentions other women that are in the swimming pool and how good they look in bikinis. No two ways about it, my son is being a creep, but he’s a teenager.
Since then, his laptop broke. He has a personal one for his games and a school one for his…well…school. Took it in for repairs, turns out he’s been downloading porn and downloaded a virus. No, I don’t have parental blocks on, call me a bad parent if you will. The porn isn’t the issue, as such, the issue is the *type* of porn. He’s been watching incest stuff. I’ll let you use your imagination for what.
Safe to say, I was horrified, disgusted, and felt physically sick. I had a talk with him about it, he was embarrassed, and claimed that he just likes older women and that’s why he was watching it, not for the incest part. He told me that he isn’t attracted to me, and he promised to stop watching it. I told him that I wasn’t overly concerned with him watching it, after all he’s a growing man in times where this stuff is readily accessible in all kinds of forms and it’s basically impossible to block it, but to be aware that the content is fake and that real life isn’t anything like the content in these things. I told him that girls his age won’t be interested in doing most of what he’s seen, and as he gets older he’ll realise that what’s in those videos isn’t remotely realistic. He told me that he understood and we moved on to talking about what’s for dinner.
Just to clarify: when I said he’s been downloading porn. It was 4 videos. There’s a small bit of online history, but it shows a visit to one of those types of website once or twice a week, if that. I’m not concerned about a porn addiction.
I’ve also taken it upon myself to dress a bit more conservatively, and be more conscious of how I appear around him. Despite the beautiful weather we’re currently having, I’m wearing t-shirts and light summer pants instead of shorts/skirts etc. I’ve always felt comfortable with my body and I’ve always enjoyed dressing fashionably, but I feel that I can no longer do this.
Does anyone have any insight or advice?
30 comments
I’d say he feels that way because he lost his father at a young age. You are his only pillar to lean on now. All the while he is starting to explore his sexuality with tons of feelings he doesn’t understand yet.
Have you tried to help him / encourage him to interact with girls his age?
I’d wager that this is all water under the bridge when he get’s his first GF.
If not, then i’d start to worry.
Maybe more counseling… Just to make sure this is just a phase and not growing into something more serious. Good luck
Its one thing for him to have taboo feelings, its a whole other thing for him to be acting on them in a way that violates someone else’s consent or privacy. Even if he does grow out of the former part, the latter is still something that may need intervention.
I’m not a parent, so I’m not sure how it would be best to bring that up. Your son may need to see a counsellor, or at least a positive male role model that he can talk to openly about sexual topics.
I know that its a common idea that a teenager having to talk to their parents about sexual topics is soul-crushingly awkward, but honestly I wish my parents had been more open with me about all of that. But since in your case the problem may be too few boundaries, instead of too many, it may be best to find a book you can give your son that frankly discusses sex and porn. Preferably from a sex positive perspective, but also honest about the downsides of porn use and exposure to taboo kinks at a young age.
Edit – By the way, a huge amount of online porn is marketed as incest porn only because its the easiest and cheapest way to add some sort of storyline hook, without having to really do anything special. So your son looking at porn labelled as incest porn would not necessarily mean anything, by itself. But walking in on you changing is still a very serious problem.
Do NOT change your behavior or how you dress, as then you’re accommodating him, rather than teaching him. Instead wear what you normally would. When he makes odd comments, address them, set boundaries, encourage him to see women as people with feelings not bodies to covet.
He’s watching porn and porn tends to cause people to lose sight of a persons humanity and it instead encourages people to view others in more two dimensional transactional ways. It also encourages people to look up and become interested in more and more extreme stuff which can cause sexual difficulties if not dysfunctions later on. So the more you can counteract that by encouraging awareness of people as people an not attractive things to covet, the better. And that starts with you by encouraging him to question inappropriate behavior, while being empathetic to the fact that he’s just learning, and guiding him to choose better behavior.
Regardless of the past, his actions are concerning.
I’m not often one for direct confrontations with children, however, because you have knowledge of the pornography directly, along with his actions of probably trying to see you naked, I think you should.
Parents have often anecdotally reported success in car ride talks. You have their attention, you are not making direct eye contact, which keeps the pressure off, and they are a time limited scenario. (You are driving to a location that ends the conversation).
Be sure to tell him he is at a formative age and it’s easy to confuse sex and love and place it on the wrong people. Tell him You love him and he needs help. Don’t accuse
Start from there. Definitely follow up on therapy… but shame may destroy that opportunity.
After that conversation I would go to a desktop computer outside of the room and a laptop that you keep for school use if required.
If that doesn’t work. Router restrictions and off at night.
He will likely fight back using every method possible in order to get his addiction back and re-establish the previous status quo. This is where you need to be strong.
He will hit you where you are weakest.
“This is your fault”
“You caused Dads death”
Whatever he knows he may use. Be ready. It’s his problems talking. Don’t give in.
This scenario sucks. Good luck.
Dress how you want or normally do. If he makes a comment set a boundary with him and explain that isn’t appropriate behavior. Changing your attire imo is counter productive . If someone is attracted to you how you dress isn’t going to matter. Plus you may unknowingly hit something that you think is conservative but is a turn on for him. So it doesn’t really matter on what you wear.
He also needs to learn what is appropriate behavior around women and you need to set that example at home. If you let the internet do it, he may have some issues dealing with women and relationships as he gets older. He is always going to run into attractive, less conservativly dressed women in the real world, example when you went swimming, so knowing how to be respectful of women at all times will serve him well as he gets older.
I’m not saying he is disrespectful at this point in general, but positive reinforcement of these boundaries could be a good thing.
Back to therapy for him. You’re a surrogate for his sexual exploration and while the urge is to recoil you Defs need to get him help. Does he have any male figures he can lean on? They may be a resource
Teenage sons developing sexual attraction towards their mother is a lot more common than people would like to admit, but usually teens grow out of it over time. They’re full of hormones and just discovering their sexuality. And especially recently, incest porn has become very popular and you see it everywhere, so that may be fuelling some of his feelings and fantasies.
Honestly I’d just sit him down and have an honest conversation with him, where you don’t shame him for his feelings, but make it clear to him that his behaviour is inappropriate. Him developing sexual feelings is normal and part of his puberty, but trying to perv on you and catch you naked isn’t okay. He needs to respect women (especially his mother), and treat them with decency.
He’s 14. All women in porn are older than him so combine his genre of porn to his comments and behavior, I don’t necessarily buy his “I just like older women.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with liking older women, but he’s kind of being a creeper. I would get him back in therapy.
I personally don’t think he needs further counselling as some have suggested.
I actually think the incest thing is the result of porn sites gearing towards that kinda thing.
I feel like a few years ago it wasn’t really promoted on the home pages, but now I’m seeing it more and more.
I don’t think he will have an incest fetish for life, more likely just a face as he’s going through puberty and a bit confused.
Either way, I don’t blame you for seeking advice or dressing conservatively around him.
Don’t don’t DON’T change what you wear. That’s teaching him the wrong thing about clothing and consent. Regardless of how revealing clothing is that someone is wearing, he needs to know that giving unwanted attention is unacceptable behavior.
He needs to learn that porn is not real life. I think you definitely need parental blocks but it might be a bit too late since he’s already seen things. He should continue to have access to it, though. Therapy for sure and talk about needing boundaries!
As a mom of teen boys, I can relate that right around that 13-15 years mark things can get very weird, awkward, uncomfortable.
I agree that the internet is vast and basically uncontrollable, and allowing exploration on it, even to places you’d rather they didn’t go, is an important part of learning to draw their own boundaries.
At a basic guess, and i could be very wrong, but I’m thinking that watching porn has reduced women to entertainment and parts. They are not whole people, and it encourages seeing them as butts and boobs and whatever else.
I’m hoping the attempts to catch you naked are because he wants to see some real boobs or butts, even if they do happen to be attached to his mother. I also recommend counseling, but i wouldn’t put it like “kid, you need serious help for your raging porn addiction!” And more like “let’s find you a neutral 3rd party man who you can talk to about stuff you’re not comfortable talking about with me”. Teen years are crazy making. Hormones make people do incredibly dumb stuff. I truly hopes he grows out of this weird uncomfortable phase. I would not change your dress or habits to accomodate his opinions.
I have no advice as my son is only 5, I just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely mum. I’m sorry for the hard times you’ve been through, I truly hope things get better for you.
As a 22 year old I know a lot of my mates watch step mom or incest stuff it’s not cause you want anyone in your family so I would say I wouldn’t worry as much about him watching that type of genre the walking in on you is kinda weird tho and the bikini comments so maybe more therapy about that
I think you should be upfront and honest about how this is hurting you. It doesn’t seem like you’ve been clear on how uncomfortable you feel. Having a conversation about consuming porn and having a conversation about how he has been speaking to you and acting towards you are completely different things.
Now I thought I’d carry this to my grave, because I never thought there could be any wisdom to be shared in this, but admittedly, I watch that stuff too. I’ve never done anything creepy towards my family, unless you count the time when I tried to give my mom a “TV kiss” when I was like 10, well before I even knew was sex was.
Anyways my point is the lesson I’ve always accepted when partaking in the porn is that “PORN IS NOT REAL LIFE. THESE THINGS DON’T HAPPEN.” This goes for all porn, but especially ones down the taboo rabbit hole. And my advice to you is to figure out the right way to deliver this message to your son. That masturbation is a completely different thing from any actual physical intimacy with a person. Be it you sitting him down yourself and having an uncomfortable conversation with him or finding the right person to do so.
Oh and don’t change your wardrobe for him. He needs to learn that this kinda behavior is not acceptable. Cheers.
Teens can be super weird sometimes. They pick up literally anything and start repeating it. Like little parrots but with thumbs and can drive at some point…. I think cpulseing is a yes for sure but I also think that remembering how weird, rude and assholish teens can be might help a bit..
I (23M) think it’s definitely weird. When I started getting away from porn was when the popular videos became “step-sis, or step-mom, step-dad, step-daughter” which was one of the reasons why I grew out of it. I feel like incest is kind of a common sense no-go, but kids that educate themselves with these newer video titles are being exposed to situations that they might not know are fake/scripted.
I think if you’ve got a close make family member/friend that is more of like a father figure to your son may be able to have a talk with him about how something may be legally acceptable, but morally wrong (step-family situations). Personally, my step family is closer to me than some of my actual blood, and maybe that’s why it feels black and white (blood relative) incest to me, but I think it’s a serious issue.
You could talk to the coach and ask if he could give a crash course on respecting women, because coaches are father figures to a lot of kids. Their word means something. It might stick it might not, but hearing it from someone who spends at least 2 hours, 5 days a week, 9 months out of the year with your son might have some sway. Our coach gave a couple real talks with us because some of those kids have 0 respect for the girls they go to school with. So like I wouldn’t provide any background information, but just ask if he could talk about respecting women and porn and shit.
You shouldn’t have to dress conservatively because your son is there. Like that’s an issue. Really. You could also talk about when he was a baby. And you changed his diapers and all that embarrassing mom stuff to reaffirm that you are his mother.
Make sure you’re extra careful around washing machines and while looking for stuff under the bed
I see why everyone is suggesting counseling, I’m not sure if that is the right way, but maybe I’m to German for that… Somehow that is nothing that arrived in our country to that extent, at least not that I’m aware.
I’m not saying that it’s a bad idea, rather I would wait a bit longer, at the end at his age he is in hormonal chaos, so this is something that could settle down.
Maybe it will settle down after your talk when he had time to reflect.
And also his taste will change, I mean at the end… He hopefully won’t find any thing in his age range, so of course the only thing he sees are older women.
And about the kind of videos… If you ever go to such a site you’ll see that for what ever reason, those fantasys are way too common – no kink shaming –
It’s just lazy writing Anyway.
I also would assume that most who watch any adult videos can ensure you, we don’t give a damn about the story line. At least I know of non.
Make sure you hide your underwear because you know boys will be boys. You don’t necessarily need to hide them but just making hard to access. If you just want to keep your insanity in check set up a piece of tape so it trips when he opens your laundry basket in a way that he can’t see the tape but you know if he actually goes in there. As horrifying as it may sound hormones will make a guy do crazy things.
Dad here of 14yo boy. Also, lots of experience with teenagers as a coach.
I think the situation is similar to how therapists ( and other people in authority like teachers and yes coaches ) have to deal with teens getting crushes on them. With the downside of not having any training on what’s happening or institutional support to escalate to.
Essentially, ignore the moves if you can and if you can’t, clearly draw the line, tell him what he’s doing is wrong, tell him you have no romantic interest and tell him to stop.
You handled the porn issue like a pro I think. That kid will remember having to talk to his mom about incest porn until he dies. I wanna laugh.
It sounds like he needs an older positive male role model who can emulate good behaviour as it relates to how to treat women. Without your ex in the world, I think that’s what he’s missing. Sports teams and other organisations can have good men, though obviously be on guard for pedos, gangs and weirdos.
In terms of your attire, it probably won’t matter what you wear. He’s practicing his moves on you and the only moves he knows are from porn.
Clearly, he needs better moves and needs to practice on girls his own age.
The “like older women” needs to be addressed with “women who’d like you are pedophiles if they’re interested in a 14yo kid”.
Also, being a single mom of a teen sucks. It’s just hard. But it’ll be over in a bit and he’ll be moved out before you know it.
Is that helpful?
I think you are handling this situation really well. You sound like a caring and loving mother. Keep up the good work mom!
This looks quite a lot like the Oedipus complex.
After spending a lot of time alone with your son after your husband died you did a lot of bonding with him.
With him going through puberty some of those feelings are sexual and he will probably see your next partner as a competator.
First of all – you sound like an incredible parent and I am so sorry for the loss you both have experienced.
Secondly, I think therapy and a open dialogue is the best way of moving forward. You have already communicated with him extremely well (in my opinion) about your concerns while still acknowledging his autonomy. Hormones are weird as fuck, and incest porn is frankly on the homepage of almost every porn site. It is uncomfortable, awkward and definitely gross but not surprising unfortunately. He absolutely needs to discuss these feelings with a licensed therapist so he can understand the gravity of his actions. If his actions of attempting to peep on you continue, something greater needs to occur – that is severely unhealthy for both of you.
Hi, so I’m a dude and I want to tell you that incest is one of the most common fantasies young boys experience.
The evidence is pretty clear if you look. If you go to pornhub, “step-fantasy” is one of the most popular genres. There are entire studios devoted solely to shoots in that category. If you go to literotica (a long-established website roughly 20 years old specializing in erotic stories), their single most prolific and popular category is incest/taboo. This goes on and on.
That’s all normal stuff. The real problem here, I think, is that he lacks the ability to distinguish what is fantasy and what is not. His attempts to walk in on you at inappropriate times, for example, or otherwise violate your boundaries. That, I think, may be worth discussing with a therapist.
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Rest assured, although many men enjoy incest fantasies, including myself, most are fully capable of distinguishing the boundary between fantasy and reality and have exactly 0 intention of blurring the lines between the two. One of my favorite kinks is brother/sister stuff – and I don’t even have a sister so all of it is purely imaginary.
Hence, I don’t think the porn is the problem, incest is a really common fantasy. I think him trying to violate your boundaries in real life is the problem, and THAT would be the part that sets off alarm bells to me. He needs to be able to differentiate what is acceptable and what is not in real life.
So I am M21 and gone through mostly the same thing just in my case I was 16 where I started porn and family or sister porn turns out to be my favourite also like I used to imagine myself with my family member which now I think was creepiest thing can ever do, but slowly slowly I change way of thinking by keeping myself busy with different stuff I do watch porn but I change my category because if I would have watch the same thing it would have corrupted my mind and I would have done something wrong which I don’t want to do it. And regret forever
Summary
1. Porn this age is normal and all feel horny at that age because they have enough free time and no pressure on them
2. Category should be changed at the end of the day your ex genes are in him.( You can’t deny.)
Advice :-
1. Keep busy where his lust or porn doesn’t come along like sending him in creative clases or coding or some different field.
2. Check out his friend and what they talk and stuff they do( you have to be spy mom for your son)
3. Try to influence in different category of porn.
4. Relax and clam and patience.
I would absolutely suggest therapy for him, if he continues to refuse to go without you, go with him for a couple sessions; lay the ground work of what the problem is and allow the therapist to help you both in the situation, and then I’m sure the therapist will request 1:1 with him, and don’t make that an option for him, it is mandatory.
With the porn, just make sure you keep an open dialogue for that. Don’t feel uncomfortable with those conversations and instill in him that sex is not like porn. Make sure his expectations are not what porn is and that he has respect for women and what consent is.
I’m really happy to see a mother who understands what teenage boys sometimes need, and that masterbation is normal and not to be shamed of.
Best of luck mama, you’re doing amazing
He needs counseling. By himself, without you. It sounds like his attachment to you is becomong unhealthy so it’s best to nip this in the bud right now.