So my boyfriend (29M) and I (24F) decided to get spicy and get a vibrator. It was a little bullet vibrator. I have never used one on myself. I was feeling kind of anxious about other things but he was really excited to try it so we went for it. And it just didn’t do anything for me. I don’t think he was really in the right spot but I couldn’t exactly figure out how to guide him to the right spot. And by the end I wasn’t any closer to cumming but my clit was just numb. So we just kind of gave up after like 15-20 minutes.
Then I jokingly touched him with the vibrator and bam he was in heaven. So it just sort of turned into him time. Which is fine I guess. 45 minutes later my hand was feeling funny from holding this super vibrating thing (he liked the highest setting the most). I wasn’t turned on anymore and just didn’t want to keep going but I mean what could I say? Eventually he picked up on it and he decided to stop.
Now I just feel weird about the whole situation. It’s just like a lot. Here was this thing i was supposed to enjoy that did nothing for me. I feel kind of disappointed. Then it sort of became a toy for him. Like right this moment it’s sitting in his nightstand drawer. And I know this is a me problem but I just feel weird about that. It was supposed to be mine and he unintentionally stole it out from under me. Like we got the vibrator for a reason to help me get to completion because it wasn’t always happening. And now he has yet another way to get there.
I just feel weird and conflicted about this whole situation. Does anyone have any advice about how to use vibrators in relationships? And how can I sort of process these feelings?
Edit: a lot of people said I should experiment on my own which is probably very true. But I feel uncomfortable using it on my own if he’s going to unofficially claim it as his toy.
47 comments
I’m sure you can find another toy that will work amazingly for you! Experimenting is fun. And it’s a good thing your bf found something that he enjoys. Don’t be jealous 😉
Personally, vibrators are numbing to me also. My fiancé loved the vibrating cock ring til it died and we haven’t replaced it yet. There are so many other things to experiment that don’t vibrate, and it sounds like you and your man are pretty open and communicative, so maybe look into cock sleeves, jelly dongs, and warming lubes. I got an anal starter once, a jelly one, cuz I was trying to focus on g spot stimulation and it was perfect for the job! Just cuz its labeled one thing doesn’t mean it can’t be used for something else! LoL its all about experimenting, finding boundaries and trust. Check out Adam & Eve, they’re a good site to start out with.
Try using the vibrator on your own time. Once you know what you like, then you can show him.
Practice with it alone. Or hold it yourself while he fucks you.
Some women do just find them too intense though..
You need one with variable speeds. Lots of the bullet vibes are too intense for first timers.
Try a different toy. The rose thing is banging.
tell him exactly what you just told us
Honestly, I hate bullet vibes. They have never felt right for me, and definitely felt numbing. Ones with designs similar to the satisfier pro or womanizer are the only ones that have worked for me. Maybe you could give a different type a try?
Practice alone first, to find out what you like, and to even see if you enjoy that toy. If you don’t enjoy it, there are always other toys to explore! Not everyone enjoys the same thing the same way, everyone’s different.
Agreed with some of the other comments, most vibrators do nothing for me. Highly recommend the ones that “suck”
Try a different toy.
You need a womaniser/satisfier toy, they super gentle and resemble oral more
Use it yourself a few times. Then next time you can show him. If you find you dislike it get something else. Try that by yourself first. Same process.
I have never known a good secure man who didn’t enjoy watching his girl play with herself. Then he will know all the secrets.
Buzzy vibration is not great. It numbs out body parts after a short while. Thumping vibration is better in my opinion. Or suction.
There’s a lot of advice on how to make the vibrator work for you, which is important, but not your main question.
Sex toys are not a replacement for intimacy. It might heighten intimacy because you achieve more intense and primal sensations faster, but it should feel like a fun and special time because you are experiencing that with a partner. Try to view it less as a “my toy he now likes” and maybe more of a “my toy that I get to use on him”. This can help cope with your perception and emotions around sex toys – and ik the long term prevent feelings of envy, jealousy and/or inadequacy from both of you.
Naturally, there should be additions to the relationship in terms of toys that can fill any bonding category you desire: “my toy that I enjoy and he gets to use on me” can be different from “my toy I enjoy alone!”.
Edit: spelling
You gotta do it by yourself first.
Bullets are kinda meh, try getting another toy and then trying it solo, so you know what and how you like it. Then you can show him.
Practice and don’t be afraid to try different makes and models.
I’ve never liked bullet vibes, they never fit right for me. I prefer something with a leather surface area and something soft that I can massage my clit with. Try again
Who says he took it away from you? You just have to tinker with it some more on your own so that you know how to get some good out of it. Then you can show your boyfriend how to do it. And if this toy isn’t it, there are a thousand more out there.
I recommend a clitorial air pressure toy instead of a vibrator.
Get to a therapist and start unpacking where your anxiety around sex is coming from.
From personal experience:
I am 31 and got my first ever vibrator last year. Our sex life is already amazing but we wanted to try it out. I literally held it down there where it felt good and the rest is history. Lol!
My recommendation? Try holding it down there yourself 😂 it’s incredible.
a vibrator is not a necessity to learn how to orgasm. He should practice his oral skills and you just need to relax and it will happen. Never rely on technology
I literally can’t come from vibrators, by myself or with a partner. It’s *too* much stimulation for me I go numb also. Try it alone and see if you can get off that way, but it’s not abnormal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t get off from it. As for him enjoying it: that’s hot! Now you have something extra for just his special time, and you guys can find something else that’s an extra treat for you. Try going to the sex shop together!
I’m not a huge fan of vibrators either. I recommend experimenting with yourself on your own. Then you learn what you like. It’ll be easier for you to guide your boyfriend in the future.
I love my bullet vibe, but cannot climax with it when my partner is using it on me, only when I’m in control of it. Spend some alone time with it and find what works for you.
Look up Dame vibrators. They are made with less intense options. That numb feeling, I’d say, means it was too strong. Most aren’t designed well and are way too intense so getting ones with really light vibration is important especially to start.
All vibrators are not created equally! So now you figured out this one is “for” him. Great! Now he needs to be patient and helpful while you two get you sorted!
Of course vibrators may not be your thing! And that’s fine too! Hopefully you find something that works for you so you can join in the fun.
Use it on yourself. Sometimes I need to put something over my clit so that it’s not so intense like my panties and I do not like the pulsing kind. Also for me the highest setting is waaaay to high. Also, maybe you hold it instead of him..
What makes you climax ? Clitoral stimulation? Vaginal stimulation ? Both ? Oral sex? Piv? You need to experiment to understand your body first and then communicate for a healthy sexual relationship. No one way to have sex. Good news is that you have a partner are are both open to trying things. You will figure this out.
Do both of you feel excited and turned on when you have sex? Do you feel safe to express if you are not in the mood? If not, why do you think that is?
I’m asking because you said you were feeling anxious at the time but because your boyfriend was really excited to try, you went for it anyway. You are also saying you didn’t want to continue at some point but didn’t know how to say this. Feeling safe and excited are both really important (and underrated) in order to enjoy sex and orgasm
There are plenty of vibrators and other sex toys to try , don’t give up. Try warming lubes too
The small bullet one is the best and strongest.
Just used it on yourself first, the thing is very strong, just make him watch, in less than 5 mins it will end you if you’re in the right mindspace, more than that and will make you numb.
Use it daily and get different sizes, big head ones for slow rumble, even plug in the wall ones if you are batteries.
But yeh their great, believe in them. They are game changers
Try different vibrators on your own. Let your boyfriend have that one since it works for him. Which is a good thing even though it was originally meant for you, it won’t go to waste now. Plus it’ll give him another thing in sex to give him pleasure.
There are ones which more so “buzz” vs “rumble” and there are also different speeds/patterns depending on which one you get.
Personally, I have Pom by Dame. It’s on the pricier side but it’s personally perfect for me. It more so “rumbles” then buzzes, and that works better for me. Maybe try getting different cheaper vibrators to try out different sensations.
This sounds less about the vibrator and more about you feeling unfulfilled and feeling jealous that he gets to have this and you get to be disappointed once more. Sounds like he needs to spend more time on you and give you more attention, work up to trying the vibrator, try *other* toys and other ways of pleasing you so you’re not feeling left behind all the time. Also given that you’ve said he “doesn’t” do oral really, I really hope you give that same energy back and that he finds other ways of making up for it.
Sounds like you guys are not communicating at all. Maybe vibrators are not for you? They’re not a magic thing that makes you cum with low effort. You’re not a machine with a tool that makes you get there by just pressing it.
Your partner needs to get to know your body a bit better. What makes you shiver, what truly turns you on. Hands and mouth first. He needs to spend time to see what you truly like. You also need to spend time doing that yourself to be able to guide him if he’s really lost. But just pushing a vibrating thing on you and waiting for it to do the job is kinda lazy on his part.
Are you sure clitoral stimulation is your thing? If you imagine the sexiest possible scenario that would for sure give you the biggest orgasm, how does it go?
And don’t be scared to remind him the toy isn’t for him. If you already have issues with getting there, he should know you should be the focus.
Communication is the key and if he is still selfish about it and focused only on himself, finding another partner will be necessary.
I feel like the real throughline here is your reluctance to communicate.
You spent 20 minutes trying to make it work rather than stopping and discussing it. Then you spent 45 on him despite being fully checked out until he noticed. Now in your edit you are hesitant to try using it solo because you feel like he has claimed it and you don’t want to discuss that either.
And look, I get it. This is awkward territory and yes, we do sometimes overestimate the impact that a sex toy will have on our sex lives especially if we aren’t sure how to use it properly. But you can’t just go with the motions like this, you can’t be upset he ‘unofficially claims something’ when from his perspective you may have seemed to give up on it or seem to dislike it or do not challenge that perception of his.
I personally think it is disappointing he let it go on so long before noticing your discomfort and that is certainly worth reflecting on but I worry this might be indicative of a broader trend.
As for bullets, man I hate those things. Better off getting a back massager or a washing machine that vibrates a lot.
It sounds like you don’t know what works for your body yet. That is super common and nothing to be ashamed of. One reason this happens is because there is so much ridiculous stigma and shame around women’s pleasure. Sometimes we are sort of conditioned to accept this as the status quo and not a big deal. But here you are, seeking relationship advice over it – it is a big deal!
You don’t need to steal the vibrator back if it makes you uncomfortable to do so, but you should start seeking sex therapists, women’s pleasure content creators, and generally sex-positive sources. This information is all over the internet, and it is free. I’m sure there are subreddits for it. Start masturbating, girl!
Once you know a few tricks, tell your partner about them. He may have been a little tone-deaf, but it sounds like you understand that he isn’t a mind-reader. It also sounds like he is interested in actively pursuing your pleasure. I’m sure he will be happy to hear about what works when you tell him!
I think that your boyfriend knowing it was for you and realizing that you were numb and feeling uncomfortable had an important opportunity to continue to focus on your orgasm and pleasure as he is clearly having orgasms but he instead let the ficus again be centered on him and his pleasure and that’s super uneven and it’s very reasonable to feel like wait what how was this thing for me now a new thing just for you? This may be an issue you can work through together or he may just be focused on his own pleasure and may not be a good partner and it may be better to move away from This connection. While I also think it’s can be important to explore toys solo and see what you like I have found with partners who center themselves and pressure me I also go numb but partners who are enthusiastic about my pleasure and patient being great pleasure and no numbness regardless of the toy. Essentially who wants to be in a situation where it’s always the other persons turn only even if you’re deeply aroused by his pleasure yours matters equally
The bullet never worked for me until I found one with silicone cover that had texture to it.
Also, that is something you need to play with yourself and once your comfortable with it introduce it in your relationship. Also, you can put a little bit of moisture on your clit before hand might help.
I know for me, I can absolutely get myself off unless someone is watching then I become uncomfortable. Knowing what works for me has helped me have more satisfying sex, if my partner listens to what I need.
Good luck and I think it’s ok to feel the way you do, it can be frustrating. Best of luck
If you need a vibrator then maybe you and your partner need some sex workshops and he needs some anatomy lessons to find your spots. And if that isn’t working then find a partner that satisfies you. Life is too short to live without orgasms.
I bust out a bullet occasionally when I have a woman over. Sounds like he just needs to learn female anatomy.
Use it on yourself first by yourself. Find what you like then you can use what you learned with your man.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Bullets suck in my opinion. I would recommend a larger unit that is more comfortable and ironically yes more powerful. I have also always wanted to try those clitoral suction devices, which sound like torture devices but are supposed to not make you numb.
Honestly wands are better vibrators, it’s the only thing that makes me finish lol but my boyfriend understands that everyone is different I don’t finish by just sex so he helps me finish using a vibrator on me
I think you might have some issues around sexuality and could benefit from therapy. I know this is cliche advice here, but there seems to be more going on here.