See that one friend who is cool and chill all the time, has tons of confidence and speaks his mind, sociable, has a great sense of humour ? I wanna be that guy yet I’m so far away from it, I believe there are types of confidence, there’s intimidating confidence, badass confidence, steals the show confidence and so on, so how do I build that precise type of confidence , knowing that I have little to no confidence to begin
2 comments
That cool confidence is something I’ve picked up in my men’s group, and it’s been the result of having my thoughts picked apart by perceptive guys who guide me into saying the things I need to say but don’t. The more of my old trauma I drill into, understand, and release, the less I worry about making sure everyone likes me, or making sure I’m being politically correct, or making sure nobody gets mad at me, or that they think I’m an asshole.
So I speak my mind. And I don’t have to be amped up to do so. And I also don’t worry about whether the dominating guys are better than me. I know if they cross a line I can hold my own, and that if I’m letting them cross a line without fighting that it’s something I can do without.
Basically what’s important to me, and what I’m willing to fight for, is congruent now. I don’t worry with that “oh I don’t feel like fronting but I know I should” feeling any more. I fight when I need to, and don’t when I don’t.
It’s kind of hard to explain but it’s like there’s no gap and I know my resources are being spent efficiently. I’m not worried that I will regret fighting, or that I’ll regret *not* fighting.
Same with putting effort into things. I don’t feel like I’m putting effort into unimportant things, nor do I feel like I’m slacking on important things.
Men’s groups are great. All the men in the group are like this. I see a guy join the group and he’s afraid. Watching himself. Shaping himself, filtering himself to fit in. The guy that runs the group is really good at this: he makes it clear to the guy that he accepts him.
Also at first I find myself treating the guy with kid gloves. Watching what I say to avoid hurting his feelings, or scaring him off. But once he’s been there a while, he doesn’t feel delicate anymore. I can say what I think, and he can handle it.
Of course we’re respectful with each other. But we yell at each other. Jump right on top
of bullshit if it’s there. I’ve had shouting matches with the leader, us cussing at each other and then (because we tell the truth during these arguments) it’s over and there’s zero residue.
Anyway, give that a shot. Try finding a men’s group.
Or if you’re a woman, I’ve heard the female equivalent is called “women’s circling”. I asked the group leader about that because I’ve met women who are having a hard time and I want to say “go find a men’s group” but that doesn’t work for a woman.
Have your kind of confidence. No need to fit an external model you have in mind. Allow yourself to be fully authentic, free to be as you are. And free to let others be as they are. No need for being right. Compassion for yourself and everyone.
How you see it, just how you posted… Seems overthought to me, but it’s your truth. Share it in person with people. Live your truth. Speak your mind and accept what you get.
You are perfect just as you are. Relax. Enjoy.