My Gf (20) and I (m20) have been together for over 4 years now and were best friends for about 3 years before that. We’ve had our ups and downs but overall our relationship has been great. She’s my best friend and my partner in life. She’s been my everything for years.
Last year she came out to me as polyamorous meaning she feels romantic feelings for multiple people at once. We talked about it and she told me immediately that she was happy with me and that she wanted to continue our relationship monogamous. I made it clear that I didn’t ever want to be anything but monogamous so we just kind of left it as is.
Things were okay for a while but recently that changed suddenly. About a month ago, she called me in the middle of the night crying. She told me that she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to do monogamy forever but she was afraid of losing me at the same time. We met in person the next day and had a long discussion about it. I floated a few ideas. I offered her a break where she could talk to other people and figure out what she wants but she declined, saying it would be a long time before she could date again if we didn’t work out. So, i did the unthinkable and asked if she wanted to break up. It became pretty apparent that neither of us wanted that. Everything stated previous still applies. We still love each other too much to let go. Ultimately we decided just to keep things as is and continue on in our relationship.
Fast forward to 2 days ago. We’re lying in bed together and she suddenly tells me that she’s been thinking a lot and she’s not sure if the future we had planned is for her. She’s considering moving to a rural mountain town someday and isolating herself from society on a farm/cabin. She would like me to come with her but that kind of future contradicts some of my aspirations working in the film industry. It would also create a lot of further difficulty with raising kids which she’s no longer sure she wants to do.
Finally, the following day, she tells me that while she can’t see a future with this person, she thinks she might be falling for someone else. Again she insisted it was nothing more than an infatuation but she still felt that way. I’m pretty sure said person is also one of my good friends.
I know this is a long story and it’s not perfectly well connected but I’m so scatterbrained right now that I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place here. If we try to make it work there’s a chance we might hold each other back from living our dreams. On the other hand, if we call it off we wouldn’t just be losing our relationship but we would be losing our best friend. At this point we’ve grown up together, we’ve been through everything together and faced so many hardships, overcoming them all. She’s a part of me and not a small one. I feel like losing her would be worse than death.
I don’t know what to do here. Is there any way this has a happy ending?
TL;DR: My GF of 4 years came out as poly, may have a crush on my close friend, and isn’t sure about our future together but we love each other too much to break up.
8 comments
She didn’t “come out” as anything, she just wants to cheat on you without repercussions. Where do you go from here? Far, far away.
You are very young and became a couple at 16. And I understand that you have grown up together but maybe you should talk about keeping your friendship but breaking up as a romantic couple? You don’t have to lose each other’s friendship because you want different things in life.
I think there is no happy end to this relationship, in that case.
Having a monogamous relationship or not is one of the most vital questions for a relationship. Same as having kids or no kids. There isn’t a middle ground for those questions.
Either there is compatibility, or it’s not.
If she can’t fully commit to a monogamous relationship with you, then it’s time for you to move on.
Being together and committing to a relationship is a choice. If she isn’t willing to make that choice, nothing can be done.
She’s not monogamous. That’s what matters here.
Staying in this relationship with her is just going to make her miserable, and opening up the relationship is going to make you miserable.
It’s time to breakup. Go no-contact for a year or so to get your bearings and find yourself outside of the relationship, then see about being just friends. I’m sorry your relationship came to this point, my guy.
Well not knowing your gf side of thoughts from her is hard to say how does her feelings work, I too did felt infatuated towards ex bf’s friend but that lasted for 2 days only. No matter how hard it’s look but you two aren’t compatible so break up with her.
She already cheated before she called you. Then wanted your ok after it happened.
Dump and block.
Find someone who wants to be with you.
When did poly become a sexuality and not a fashion?
Can you come out as polygamous? It’s not like being gay, it’s a choice right? You’re not born polyamorous?