tl;dr – I’ve finally gotten myself to work up the courage out of my depression to find all of my friends literally JUST fell into their darkest points. I don’t know what I should do, I’m worried it will bring me back down again.
My downfall started in 2020 lockdown, like probably half of the world. But I hit the lowest low when I got accepted into a prestigious college I hated. It would’ve been absolutely stupid if I passed up the opportunity. I got so isolated and toaster bath thoughts that I FINALLY worked up the courage to talk to my doctor, who proscribed me an antidepressant that sent me into such a low I would have to talk and cry myself to even get out of bed to do basic things like eat, shower, and go to the bathroom. Once I got prescribed a new antidepressant, it worked really well. I really liked it but the only side effect I really felt, was I suddenly felt like everyone hated me. So I started isolating myself.
I’m somewhat stable, go off to school, and I was doing pretty decent up until I was SA, then I went back into a low. I already couldn’t get myself to reach out because of how my antidepressants made me feel, and I was falling behind in my classes, plus seasonal depression, I was not doing good. I started having panic attacks for the first time in like, years maybe. Anyways, new semester, new energy, less seasonal depression, I FINALLY feel a weight lifting off my shoulders.
I refused to reach out to my friends because I always felt like a burden, but I’ve finally been working up the courage to ask them to do stuff, which in turn they ask me to do stuff too. I was getting really excited to where I was headed, hanging out with friends really upped my mood. Then, like out of the blue, my best friend, who was already going to this college, said she’s dropping out, quitting her jobs and internship, and indefinitely moving to her condo in Florida. My roommate, who’s also one of my really good friends, became completely reliant on alcohol and her boyfriend, and is living her absolute worst life, my old friend who I finally started to hang out with again after years got broken up with and now doesn’t want to do anything I invite her to, and my other friend just got diagnosed with a personality distorter, who has to seek new types of therapy and medication for, so she’s busy with that.
I try being there for all of them, but trying to hold up so many people at once who are all essentially ticking time bombs is so exhausting(it sucks feeling like you aren’t doing enough for them) and I’m worried this whole situation is just going to put me right back to where I started, and I don’t really know what to do about it.
2 comments
Sounds like what might be helpful is setting some reasonable boundaries with how much time/energy you can put into these people. Obviously you care about them and that doesn’t have to change, but for you to be able to support them you have to first be supporting yourself (cliche but true). So set boundaries and limits with how available you are with these people in your life, maybe you even want to have conversations with anyone who you feel would be receptive and communicate your hesitation with diving straight in to being a support for everyone.
Obviously I’m just a person and could be totally wrong so please take this with a grain of salt
Protect yourself first. Don’t sink yourself to keep others afloat.
At the minimum, you need to look at yourself and determine what you can give them without hurting yourself. When necessary, inform them of that and set a boundary. Maybe it looks like not being able to be the person they call when something goes wrong, maybe it means that you need them to check in with whether you’re ok to hear them vent, whatever. But enforce it. It’ll feel like you suck, but you need to do it.
If necessary, take some distance. I know it’ll feel like being a bad friend, but you need to take care of yourself first
Edit: also, it helps to adopt a “not my problem” attitude. Not that you’d tell them that their problems aren’t your problems, but that you make the active decision not to shoulder their problems as if they’re your own. You can listen and sympathize and offer ideas, but when the conversation’s done, you put down their problems and leave them be. Don’t let them follow you around and become your problems