My fiancé (24M) and I (26F) have been together for 3.5 years. We got engaged after 1.5 years together. He is a more sensitive and vulnerable guy who would do anything for me. However looking back I feel we were both immature at the time and I learned some things about myself as well as about him that I didn’t like post engagement. Like his parents are the helicopter style and his mom is the kind of mom who reminds her adult son about his dentist appointments. I did bring this issue up more than once and he talked to his parents about boundaries. However I just think that despite that his mom will always treat him like a child and he will allow it to some degree since he is very close to his parents.
I on the other hand feel like I’m more mature than him in life experience and am more independent. I feel like I “wear the pants” in the relationship….but I want it to be more equal. I feel I have a general knowledge of life while he is still learning who he is. He is just about to start school this fall and that will prompt me to support him since he will not be making enough money working part time. He also lacks basic knowledge about home things. For example, I asked him to change the shower head and he attempted to look at the pipes instead of just detaching the shower head. I know these things can be improved but the point of this post is that in the past 2 months or so I feel like I have got the “ick” for my fiancé and all these little things that I didn’t really think about before are adding up in my head and I’m annoyed with him a lot. We are supposed to get married in 2 months at this point. I’m fighting with myself about what to do. Do I wait and see if this feeling passes? I have told him about my doubts and that I want someone who will be assertive and lead me in marriage. He says he understands where I’m coming from but these issues will only change with time and he wants someone who is sure of him understandably.
TLDR: feel like my fiancé is less mature than me and I’ve got the “ick” after 3.5 years together
9 comments
It’s going to be a lot easier to break up with him now than after you’re married.
You’re finding all kinds of little things to pick about and you’re going back and forth on the big things (you want them to be “more equal” but you also want him to “lead” you? which is it?). It’s okay to admit that the two of you have changed and grown apart.
Marriage and having children are definitely the two experiences in life to be sure about. It’s certainly possible that you’re getting anxious, understandably so. However, I have to ask if you’ve always noticed the “ick” and just had rose colored glasses on and ignored it or if it’s recent. Please don’t let the cost-sunk fallacy apply to this relationship nor your decision.
Oh you have a bigger issue then just not being able to do standard things around the house, your future husband might be a codependent person on mommy and right now you two are fine but when you take him away in marriage… thats when mommy bear comes out and you two are going to hate each other.
He needs to see a therapist about his insecurities and his relationship with his mom. I would make this happen before your marriage because once you are married this gets harder.
I get it you love this guy but do you really love this guy or are you in love with the idea of this guy could be…
Understand this tho… in marriage you are going to face issues of how you two are different but when you do you both communicate what is your needs and wants and why and then work together and get better. He needs to show he can do the work before you sign a legal document.
Also his parent’s parenting style will be his parenting style in the future for your kids if you don’t show him how its unhealthy and that it has caused him damage.
Do not get married!!!!
That’s why getting engaged in your early 20s almost never is the right call.
Not even married yet and you already in part despise him.
PLEASE do him a favor (and yourself) and break this up
That’s why we date for a few years–to make sure we’re compatible. And if we’re not, shake hands, wish each other the best and move along in life.
the shower head thing is not that big of a deal because you only know what you are taught and he was probably never taught these things.. that’s why there’s YouTube lol
but I don’t think you should marry him just because he’s still a child and if you have kids, you’ll be taking care of a man child and your own. Give his mom back her child and find you a man
Girl don’t marry him. Please. You’ll have these problems but you won’t trust him with your kids or want to have sex with him because he can’t stand in his own. Trust me I married that man and it’s awful