I met someone on Reddit in December 2021 and we were texting and we really vibed and exchanged snap chat. We were talking regularly and felt a strong connection and ended up being in a relationship. All of this happened very quickly. Looking back I’m embarrassed that everything was so quick. Anyways, it was long distance and I had never met this person. I was about to move to his country to get my education. When we committed we had 12months before i moved to college and I meet him. Laterally days after committing problems started coming up. I felt its because it’s my first ever relationship and doing it online was hard and that’s why I felt that way. I spoke to a therapist once and told her how I felt like I needed to meet other people cause I felt like I never explored and didn’t know what I wanted. It was scary cause this person was from a different religion, culture, race like everything was different. I knew if things got more serious in the future, I could end up getting disowned from my family. Also the differences weren’t just in culture or religion. We looked at the world differently and just it was hard to find middle ground in every damn thing. It’s smtg I was never used to. So much efforts to make smtg work, I wasn’t used to this. So I started thinking in my head that if I met someone here or someone similar my relationship will be easy and that’s smtg I needed. I think that’s why at a point in my relationship I badly wanted to meet other people cause I wasn’t satisfied and happy in what I had. I tried breaking up cause I felt like my partner didn’t deserve it and he deserves a version of me that is strong and happy and not broken. I loved him and wanted him to be in a relationship that would make him happy and the one that is healthy cause he deserved that and wasn’t able to give him that. Everytime I tried initiating a break or breakup, he would lose his shit. He would start shaking and crying and I would end up staying back. I realised I might have BPD. I’m not sure because I shouldn’t diagnose myslef after seeing symptoms on the internet but a lot of those symptoms made sense. I felt really hurt cause I had a fucked up childhood and I realised that I had become just like all the people in my life who traumatised me growing up. I saw parts of them in me and it shattered me. I want to fix this. I hate what I have become. I am so rude to my partner and borderline abusive I guess. I flip and end up saying horrible things and become completely numb when he is sad or struggling due to my flips. Like he will be shaking and crying and I become so cold and feel nothing and it was just not me. I wasn’t like this, I was a person who would feel a lot in excess. Idk how I ended up here. I love him but I want to break up because I am not good for him. I would hate to let him go cause a part of me wants to get my shit together and be with him but I know it’s horrible to him and sometimes me. I’m scared to initiate the breakup because he will Lose his shit again and I don’t know how to handle it. Like he will cry and shake and fail to keep up and it scares me and I know for sure I will go numb when he is feeling that and it’s all scary and messy. I want to break up and focus on moving for University and go to therapy and send tine alone fixing myself and I am aware that I might never have him back but I guess I can’t do anything about it.
He is very different and maybe ill end find someone who is similar to me or idk but rn what we have is not good. It’s just that I saw sides of me that I never knew existed due to this relationship and it’s scary and sad. I know for sure if I was a little different I would have had an amazing relationship with this person.
TL;DR- I think I found someone who is a good partner but I am ruining this relationship and making it unhealthy as I am toxic and I am confused with what to do.
Edited for clarity- I said we are different and never agree on things but however we have conversations and end up reaching the same conclusion, just with different approaches but for me it’s difficult to do this whole process regularly.
3 comments
First of all, it seems you already go to therapy, so you should just tell your therapist that you think you might have BPD. They should guide you and help you get the diagnosis.
When it comes to relationship, I thought you said it yourself – I was a little different I would have had an amazing relationship with this person. But you’re not different, you’re yourself. You said that you have different views and don’t really agree on most things – this is very important in a relationship. Why even be with a person if you can’t agree on anything? Differences in relationships are okay, but there needs to be common ground, too. Now, on the Internet, you might get along, but real life is different. How do you think you’re going to live together if you have different approach to life? You don’t even know this person so well, you would have to spend a lot of time with them in real life to get to know them better. Moving to another country is a huge step, especially if the relationship is already rocky.
You want to explore, you want to meet people and that’s okay. Because your current relationship goes quite unnaturally and you feel rushed. I would seriously consider breaking up before you start something really serious. I know it’s hard, but think about your future – how do you see it?
You’re not the only toxic person. The crying and shaking and not letting you break up with them is manipulative. You need to steel yourself and break up with them, and then walk away. Try not to engage anymore. If they are scaring you, you could call a friend of theirs to help them, but other than that, break up and break contact.
This is totally normal and his attitude regarding the break up is manipulative. You know the physical/mental/cultural chemistry you desire isn’t getting met. Which is totally normal and you want something more compatible.
You need to break things off and walk away. You’re attitude is obviously a reaction too feeling trapped. So finding this should be your goal. You’re young, experience more and find yourself. You’ll know when you’re ready to find someone or they’ll find you.