TLDR: These two friendship and is feeling toxic. How do/ should I/when do confront this friendship?
I have these two friends from high school that I believe take me for granted. We are all 30 now for reference.
Summary about the history. About 5 years ago I was diagnosed with Ulcerative colitis and I was doing colonoscopies, I was sick with stomach pains. This was the hight of my sickness. I also just graduated university and I was unemployed and looking for a job. However, when these friends wanted to hang out, when it was related to food or long commutes I had to say no, but tbh they never asked about me and how I was feeling even though they knew I was sick. Then they started hanging out without asking me so when I called them out they said I only want to hang out when “it was convenient for me”
Fast forward to now, the friendship for mended but I moved to another country. Now we’re getting married and in each other’s bridal parties and I’m seeing the sketchiness again. This convenient thing is starting to come up again. There are many small things. These are the most recent.
One I invited to my bridal shower, she RSVP but when I asked her for help she “suddenly” forgot she had other plans that weekend. It’s like I’m your “best friend” and your ditching me for a “better offer”
The other one is a bride and hasn’t asked our sizes or anything to order bridesmaid dresses. I told her I’m running errands and I can pick it up now. She told me she’s at home eating so I can’t drive by now. She lives alone atm…
I think they feel jealous of what I have and take me for granted. Examples like “she drives so she can come whenever.” Or “she’s off when she comes here”. Also not one has ever called me or text me to say hi or check in while I was away, but they always want to meet up for something when I come.
2 comments
First It’s okay to want to shed your toxic friends from high school… They seem to have never grown up (and they probably don’t realize it).
Good news is that you are not married to them.
On your question as to how to deal with it…
Step 1: is for yourself to be convinced that you do not want to hang out with them or be with them. This behavior is not salvageable, it’s who they are and you have to move on. It’s hard, maybe they are the only people you talk to, but if your married, youll anyway start hanging out with married couples, make new best friends, it’s amazing how many ppl you can relate to that you just met
Step 2 Take a page out of their book. Tell them you have other plans if they ask you to hang out. Don’t tell them anything exciting or good about what’s happening in your life, don’t call or text them. If they try to call you to hang out or put pressure on you, then you can choose to tell them if anything bad is happening or your problems (sickness sadness depression), then you will see who tries to help you, butore likely they will just get bored and not be interested in your problems and just stop bothering you.
Step 3: Make new friends!
Anyone that is not accommodating you due to your sickness or not even asking you how you are, is clearly not someone that cares about you.
To all the folks who have friends from childhood or high school who keep a great friendship with them through adulthood, awesome. Must be like having a really great teacher who gives you a purpose, or landing an amazing job right out of college.
But time to remind yourself that just because you met someone when you were younger and were good friends then, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be good friends forever.