One of my (m21) best friends (m18) and I used to be incredibly close. Although we don’t live near each other anymore, we’d always play Xbox and test each other all the time. He was always very sexual and intimate with me, which I adored because I ALWAYS had kind of a crush on him. We grew closer a couple months ago, he’d send gm+gn texts, we’d FaceTime a lot, he’d always call me cute nicknames, and it just felt like we were in a relationship. I’ve never loved someone as much as I loved him. He was always on my mind and I dreamed about him constantly (and he’d say the same about me). At one point, he said it was us against the world, and that he was so proud to be with me. I finally broke the ice and told him that I was bisexual, and that I had true feelings for him, and I assumed he had them for me. He told me he didn’t, and that he was just being appreciative and that he didn’t actually like me that way.
After this conversation, he grew distant, he doesn’t talk to me anymore, we never play Xbox, and every time I try to reach out and reconnect, he seems like a completely different person, like he barely knows me, like all the memories we made were void. I asked why he got so distant, he just wouldn’t give me an answer, and he said he thought of our friendship “differently” when he was always sexual and flirty with me, so he decided to stop. This absolutely broke my heart. I feel so lost without him, and I’m terrified that we’ll never connect ever again. Everyone I’ve talked to about this says that his internalized homophobia took over. Is this true? Could there be a chance for us in the future?
tl;dr – I thought my very flirty and intimate close friend who I had a crush on was into me romantically, he said he wasn’t, I think his internalized homophobia had something to do with it, but it still broke my heart.
2 comments
People are in friendships ALL THE TIME where one person wants more or less than the other. Yes, putting yourself out there hoping to take it to the next level has screwed up many a friendship.
Just because someone else isn’t into you that way doesn’t mean they have inner homophobia.
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>Could there be a chance for us in the future?
He’s told you he’s not interested. I suggest you believe him.
> Is this true?
It kinda doesn’t matter if it is, honestly. Frankly, I think calling it internalized homophobia really reduces the nuance of the human experience. I think your friend is facing some truths about himself that he doesn’t know how to handle or process. It could very well be that he’s not ready to come out, if your description of things is accurate.
> Could there be a chance for us in the future?
Don’t count on it. I say that not because I don’t think there’s a chance, but because I don’t believe it’s a healthy attitude to have. Life is very complicated and our paths lead us in a lot of different directions. He’s on his own path and it may take him elsewhere in life, far away (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) from you.
I’d treat this like an a relationship that never was and move on. Focus on your path forward, rather than trying to see if someone elses path lines up.