Some context, we were in an open marriage at the time. She fell in love with a guy and I supported it and we became polyamorous. This same guy raped her and she didn’t tell me for a long time. This was 7 years ago.
18 months ago, we got into an argument about our relationship. There was a lot of aired grievances, and usually I try to massage our arguments to not fall into personal attacks or will let her vent on me without snapping back. This time, I had had enough when she accused me of lying and other things. I pushed back on her and called her on her BS for things I’d swallowed for years.
That’s when she lost control and said I forced her into that lifestyle. I called her on it that she started it all. It was then that she said that because I forced her to make that decision, I was responsible for her rape, that I remind her of it and that she couldn’t trust me.
Skipping over the months of anger at her and silent separation this caused, she has never apologized for this and now I can’t even think of being sexual with her. Every time I think about it, I just hear in my head “spousal rape.” It kills any type of feeling of intimacy and has broken my connection to my wife.
I’ve gone to therapy over this and started taking mood stabilizers to mitigate my fluxuating emotions. My therapist gave me methods to communicate with her for the sake of our children and I’ve been trying them despite my personal feeling between us. Our interaction is much better, and it seems she has healed a bit, but I just can’t drop my guard or let this go. This has affected me so much, that I’ve become distant from my children and bitter. The only reason I am not gone is the effect on our kids, but even that is becoming a concern as my attitude is affecting them and they are seeing there is a problem.
I feel like I’m being selfish and not supportive of the impacts of the events, but at this point I’ve been supportive for years. Am I being unreasonable? Is there something I’m missing or a perspective I should consider because right now, I expect this to end in divorce in short order?
24 comments
Who brought up the idea of getting into an open marriage and was the most supporting it?
Honestly, it sounds like you married a narcissist. She pushed you into polyamory under duress, and now she wants to hold you accountable for it? There’s all sorts of undertones of gaslighting and emotional abuse in here, too. Consider reading *Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist* and see if it resonates with you. In the end, some things that get bent can’t be put back. Your wife was irresponsible to put this on you, and she can’t easily take that back.
This sounds like the couple from yesterday in Asia. So weird!
Just because she accused you of something, which you believe is unreasonable, why are you internalizing it? Is there some part of you that thinks she may have a point, or is it just that you can’t feel close to someone who blame *you* for the fact that she was raped by someone who is NOT you? You said she hasn’t apologized, which tells me that she either still thinks it’s true or is embarrassed about it to the point where she doesn’t want to bring it up. *I* would need that apology though and to get *very* clear that she’s not ACTUALLY holding me responsible for what happened. Because if she DOES still blame you . . . I’d have to say that your marriage is “irretrievably broken” as they say.
1. It’s absolutely not your fault she was raped. That blame is squarely on the other person.
2. If there were marital issues before that, you almost certainly both contributed to it.
3. An open marriage is not a solution to marital problems.
4. If she initially brought up the idea of an open marriage, then you didn’t force it on her.
Divorce is SO NOT worth it, except in cases of abuse! Please seek couples therapy together, and soon. Couples wait an average of 6 years to go to couples therapy, at which point wounds have had time to fester. If there is emotional abuse, your therapist may be able to identify this.
Silence is not a good sign for a marriage. A lot of men mistakenly assume that the wife has “calmed down”: “no news is good news”. Meanwhile, she could be planning an exit strategy or getting her needs met outside the relationship.
Not your fault and it’s not her fault.
I’d like to hear her side as she tells it, because it sounds like you’ve got different perspectives on the same events, but when she said you were responsible for her rape, either way, is the second you divorced.
Unless she brings that back, not forgives you, but admits that was incorrect, you’re divorced.
Sounds like she needs a lot of support to me.
She is the one who needs therapy. And tbh i dont think you should still be with her if shes causing all this problems to you.
If you think that by staying with her your kids will be happier youre wrong. Your kids will be happier if their parents are happy not if they’re together, and being together is hurting you.
Do NOT let her gaslight you into taking the blame for her poor choices and actions. This was all on her. You had nothing to do with this. Do not become her punching bag over this she needs to face, and accept the consequences of her actions.
So what the headline should really read is : ***Wife wanted to fk around, coerced me into an open marriage, then blamed me when things went sideways and ended badly.*** Divorce this woman, she sounds like a narcissist. Good luck for the future.
Open relationship drama has solutions that are always obvious.
Hi there. Many people have mentioned therapy for her, which is absolutely needed, IMO. There is a specific modality of therapy called EMDR that would help her process that specific incident and stop her from getting so escalated when she thinks about it. I’m happy to talk to you more about EMDR. I’ve done it many times, many appointments were about my own SA. It’s been tremendous help to me. Good luck.
You’re being gaslit leave
The first paragraph explains all anyone needs to hear. Your relationship is fucked up and sadly to this date I’ve never heard of anyone in a situation similar to yours where everyone comes away living a fairytale. You could keep flogging a dead horse or you could face reality, move on and at some point respect your children enough to tell them the decisions that led to all this.
You have some serious problems here.
I don’t understand asking these questions on reddit to people who have only heard selected parts of your story.
You mention you’re staying for the kids. My father cheated and my mother and she never allowed him to touch her affectionately. She was very deliberate in her actions. As a 5 year old, I learnt that it is “bad” to touch women and I developed a fear of touch. I’ve now been celibate for 32 years because my nervous system prevented me from flirting and engaging in light touching. I’ve been trying to heal over the last 3 years and it is very difficult. If your kids are seeing something is wrong, it may effect them in adulthood, because they don’t know what a healthy and affectionate relationship looks like.
Unfortunately I think it’s time for divorce. You stated in another comment that she refuses to go to therapy and why she refuses. I think for your mental health or your interaction with your children, there’s nothing left to salvage. You’ve done what you can do for a lot of years with therapy and medications and you’re not fully healed and won’t be as long as you’re in this marriage, IMHO. Its time to cut her out and rebuild a relationship with your children without her in your face daily gaslighting you.
Get a therapist for her so you can both work on you’re issues if she can’t see she’s part of the problem then divorce her. Because for her to say what she said is damn near unforgivable.
You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust and open communication. Staying for the kids is noble but they are going to suffer regardless. It’s easier said than done, but you have to let that go and move past it. You’ve established that it wasn’t your fault and that’s that. You wife probably has a lot of grievance over what happened to her and the only way she finds closure is by blaming you. That’s her journey. I think there’s something to forgiving and coming to terms with what was. I know you are angry, but holding on to that will not make you better or a happy person. There’s no solution other than keep talking and perhaps couple’s therapy. If you love her, your marriage, then do what you can. If you don’t, then leave. Your kids will eventually understand. Good luck.
She’s blaming you for something you didn’t know about or do and she’s just playing some type of game with you I think you should leave her
Although this revolves around sex in the literal sense.
You might get a lot better feedback over at r/relationship_advice and/or a sub more geared towards the spouses of rape victims (I don’t know the names off the top of my head but there has to be one or more).
Good luck!
Do not stay married just for your kids. They will be better off with divorced parents than living in a home with parents who are unhappy.
I think it’s great that you’ve gotten therapy, but I think you need couples therapy (and individual therapy for her) if you want to try to work through this.
I can’t begin to understand how you or the wife feel, but I can tell you as a child of divorced parents it was better when they split. The kids feel all the tension, the dislike, the toxicity. In the long run they would be better off if their parents split and became happy, as opposed to having bitter parents who are still together. It will be hard on them at first for sure but staying together for kids will make you resentful towards them whether you intend to or not. Save your relationship with your children and with yourself by ending a marriage which makes you so unhappy. It doesn’t sound like you can ever salvage this.
I’m sorry. I feel for you and I feel for your wife as well. Trauma changes you.
In order to fix this, yall have to come together and understand each other. That’s the perspective that is missing. Mutual understanding. Yall need to talk about how she blamed you. That conversation needs to result inlboth her understanding how she hurt you as well as you understanding where she was coming from, and you both mutually figuring out the reality of the situation.
If you two can come to understand each other, you can fix the relationship. If you can’t, then you can’t. And unfortunately this isn’t something you can fix on your own. She has to put in just as much effort and show empathy and understanding and remorse. And that’s not something you can make happen.
You also have to be careful not to let her gas light or abuse you. Emotional abuse is hard to spot. Subtle and vicious. I recommend working on this in couple’s therapy together instead of on your own.
And if you decide to divorce, that is okay. Two separate happy households is better for kids than one miserable one.