I have come to realize that I have made a mistake in our relationship. To the extent that right now my SO depends on me financially, but HATES to ask me for money. She would rather struggle then to ask me although I also at the same time do give her much.
We are newly wed and I know that finances are a common demise to many relationships. However I don’t want to be this way and I am aware of my mistake, just not how to fix it.
For context.
– We have money, I make close to 200k salary in a LCOL.
– I’m pretty well positioned toward retirement and I’m in my early 30’s.
– I suffer from financial anxiety due to growing up very poor and being homeless at certain points in life.
So clearly there is some emotional trauma when I make purchases that I deem frivolous (even though we are in a position to make them) and they aren’t unreasonable choices. I’ve completely made my spouse feel terrible asking me for help, and feel like I have failed in supporting her.
How can I fix this? Any advice?
5 comments
Counseling.
Make a budget with hers, ours and mine.
Proportional splitting of expenses and bit of you have an account that you own. Spouse does not get to veto purchases out of individual account.
If the person saves their money and wants to buy something bigger, that’s fine. The monthly money accumulates.
My wife and I have her’s, mine and ours and have never had an argument about money in 27 years. YMMV
Can you sit down together and figure out a system that works for both of you? For example, a shared account you can both take from no questions asked or permission needed, while you still each have separate accounts for your own finances (so you can keep some money separate)? It sounds outdated, but if you’re in a situation where she’s dependent on you financially, a kind of “allowance” could be helpful so she doesn’t have to ask you for every little thing?
Have you ever had a session with a financial advisor? I did it once at the request of my partner, and it was worlds more helpful than I ever expected! It almost felt like therapy lol.
They can go a long way towards laying out a plan for your finances so you can see it all, in graphs and numbers. It did a lot to ease my own money fears, since I also come from a history of instability. I’d recommend it to anyone who has money stress, they can give you good perspective and tools!
Stop considering it your money and helping out your wife. And also saying things like she struggles for money.
I for the life of me will never understand why people get married when they don’t want to SHARE their lives with the other person.
This is your WIFE, what’s yours is hers. It’s her money as much as it is yours. You aren’t helping her, she’s using her own money. You aren’t set up for retirement, WE are set up for retirement. WE make close to $200k/yr (more more her income counts). It’s WE and US. It’s not her or you.
I think you need therapy if your possessiveness of money is so bad you can’t share in it with your spouse. It’s a serious problem when you say you are positioned well for retirement. That means she may or may not be, but that doesn’t concern you, that’s her responsibility, and it also says that you don’t actually see her in your retirement picture.
I think money is such a symptom, not a problem itself. Lack of ability to share finances, create common goals and budgets, as well as dream financially together to me just signifies problems elsewhere. Could be trust, could be money security, could be trauma from past experiences or relationships etc. If you think it’s money insecurity from being poor, I would seek counseling. Because that does hurt you as much as it does her. You’ve worked hard and should be able to enjoy your money. Not live in a scarcity mindset.
I would work with your spouse on a budget. Looks at current expenses and have an account that those are paid off each month. Then choose an amount that you would like to save each month and an amount that you each allocate towards spending money. The account for savings can then be used for large purchases together such as house repairs or cars when needed. The spending money should be guilt free that she can spend on anything she wants.