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I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years and everything was perfect. We met and became super close friends immediately and then got together when I was 18 and he was 19. We spent 5 great years truly enjoying each other’s company. He is a creative and sensitive person who never fails to make me laugh. Lately, however, we went through a bit of a crisis. I had to deal with some very stressful situations in my university work and his reactions weren’t of comfort. He felt like he needed to be left out of my all-encompassing anxiety state and that the relationship should be preserved from all of that. A feeling I definitely understand and share but the reality for me was very different. It was very hard for me to focus on anything else apart from work stuff. Still, I made a very big effort and tried to be focused on him a lot more. The relationship seemed to be going well for a while after this.
We entered a time of crisis and I ended up breaking up a couple months ago, because I felt something was not right and I wasn’t feeling the same way anymore. I could not pinpoint exactly what was wrong, but something in our relationship was giving me really bad anxiety. After a month of no contact we reached out and started seeing each other again, both very intent on trying again.
Through this time, I started to realize something with each interaction I had with him. I still have a very good time with him and love talking to him, but I also saw that he seemed to fail to acknowledge parts of myself and my character which were not the nicest or prettiest but were nevertheless part of me. These sides may have not been super obvious from the beginning of the relationship because I tend to be a comforting person and a people-pleaser, but they existed anyway. For example, he says that when I am super anxious he “doesn’t recognize me anymore”. He also said he felt I was “disrespectful” to his feelings a couple of times when I tried to tell him he had pushed my boundaries too much (e.g., didn’t leave me enough alone time when I needed it).
I talked to him about it and said this makes me feel like he is in love with the picture-perfect image of me he has in his head, not with the real me with all the hard and difficult parts. He insists this is not the case, he just felt like when I used that kind of behavior in interactions with him I was not being my usual self.
I feel like I have kind of stopped people-pleasing and I am trying to be my most authentic self, but in the end he doesn’t like that person all that much. I also feel like he doesn’t fully realize this and I don’t know if he ever will.
Idk what to do and how to go on from here. Any advice?
TL;DR: my (24F) boyfriend (25M) is in love with an idealized version of me.
2 comments
People change. You are working on changing. He does not like that. This is creating anxiety for you. You two are not compatible.
>He felt like he needed to be left out of my all-encompassing anxiety state and that the relationship should be preserved from all of that.
Op, you are right. He just wants the good things of the relationship but not the bad things. Life doesn’t work that way.
In another word, he doesn’t have you back.