Hi. So we are together for almost 2 years, we had ups and downs and I am ready to take this to the next level and live together. He is not ready for that and says he doesn’t know if he will ever be. But wants us to keep going like this and says he doesn’t want to lose me.
I have no clue if I should just wait or move on already as I feel if he is not changing at his age he never will. Always not ready to commit to anyone, just temporary relationships. I am also not sure about forever happy (I was married once, now divorced) but I know we can be happy together if we want to.
I am sad I feel like I need to convince him of the benefits and tbh at this point I feel if he is saying yes, I don’t want to anymore. I wish for someone decided like me and willing to make it work and risk a bit.
Am I impatient and should I wait? I m very confused at this point.
TL;DR He doesn’t want to live together after 2 years of relationship. I want to move forward with or without him.
36 comments
You’ve been together 2 years and he wants you, but only not the responsibility that comes with having *all* of you. You already know what needs to happen.
I think if you continue to wait for him, you do it at your own peril. I know it sounds hard, but I’d move on if I were you.
If you are okay with what it is right now, stay.
If you want more, leave because he is making it very clear this is all he wants to do.
He’s being truthful with you. He doesn’t want to live with you, and he more than likely won’t change his mind.
If living together and seeing progress in the relationship is important to you (which is completely natural and understandable), he’s not the guy for you.
At 35, if he’s telling you “I’m not ready to move in together and don’t know if I ever will be,” after two years, you need to interpret his statement as meaning:
“I don’t want to move in with you. I never will. However, I’m happy to dangle out hope to keep you around because I like what we have.”
You should not wait.
This isn’t a question of should you wait. There is nothing to wait for. It’s a question of do you want an ongoing relationship just like the one you have or do you not. That is what he is offering you. You can take it or leave it based on what you want. He’s made it clear that he has no intention of ever changing the relationship. He hasn’t 100% ruled it out (which is sensible, since it’s so very hard to predict the future) but it’s not a goal or intention of his currently to ever change it. So,is this what you want: yes or no?
“He doesn’t know whether he will ever be” ….. 🤔
If he told you straight up that he’s not interested in living with you but keeping things as they are is good, would you stay?
If he doesn’t want to take the next step, then marriage will never be on the table.
Tell him that if he doesn’t want to live with you, you can find a guy who does.
We need to let go of this idea that there are set steps we must take in order for a relationship to be valid. Why do you want to live together, do you enjoy the idea of cohabitating, being in each other’s space at all times, sharing home and financial responsibilities? If so, yes let him go and find someone who also wants that. If not, and you’re happy as it is… that’s okay too
Relationships work when the people who are in them want them to work. It’s when one or both persons in the relationship stop making a continuous effort that the relationship fails.
2 years together but he’s unwilling to move toward a future with you. It sounds like he will never want to be married and what will happen in a situation like if one of you were to end up in the hospital on life support and the doctors need to know whether to pull the plug or not.
I know it seems extreme but these possibilities do exist. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want a real future with you. Don’t play house.
35 year old who dated you for 2 years doesn’t want to move in? I would say move on.
Well I think you can put it another way which is does he have a goal of knowing you at some point?
I know a lot of people want to live together before marrying but there’s also a lot of people who don’t live together before marrying
So let’s say you end up being one of those couples who don’t live together but you still eventually get married. .
So is this something that is the end goal for your relationship that you will eventually end up married or is he still just playing it by ear and not really thinking about that or committing about that just yet?
Some people are content to have a partner and not live together. I’m set in my ways. I could very much love someone to the moon and back and still have my own separate house. It really depends on why. I have pets and kids and my partner doesn’t. We have completely different ways of handling finances.
I want to be with my partner forever but living in the same house 100% of the time makes me worried that my habits will put him off. He may not want to commit, or maybe living together is a kind of pressure to be on all the time.
It might not be compatible for you, but it doesn’t mean something nefarious every time.
I agree you should move on. I have been in my relationship for 5 years and I knew from the second date that we were meant to be and she did as well. I am divorced as well and we both have children. I have always wanted a family and I knew this from a young age. At this point if you have to second guess anything then it is obvious what you need to do. Do not ignore red flags just to settle, never just settle for what you get. You know your worth and you know what you want so go find it with someone willing to pit you first. I hope this helps.
As everyone else has said is it doesn’t seem like he wants to dive into the deep end and go from living alone to not and once he makes that change it is not like he could go back to the previous arrangement.
Now if for some reason you really want this guy, maybe suggest a more temporary live in situation. I assume you probably spend nights at each other’s respective places, so maybe suggest a schedule where you live together at your place for a week and then his for a week and then you both go live back on your own place for a week and repeat. If he can’t live with you for a week you just need to leave.
I dont live with my partner of 9 years who recently proposed. I dont plan on living with him after marriage either. He is amazing. and I love my home. Unpopular/unconventional perspective maybe, but I love my space and like having time completely alone. I think we get along better living apart.
If you feel like you must cohabitate with your long term bf then maybe its time to break up.
He is 35, not 25. You want different things. If he isn’t ready now he probably never will be.
I get not wanting to marry. But not live together? That’s just convenient and money-saving lol.
If he’s pretty awesome otherwise, I’d probably give myself a limit. Maybe you’ve already done this. But I’d say, to him, not living together is fine for now, but I do want to live together eventually. Because I don’t want to waste our time too much I’m setting a time period. When my lease expires in 6 months I’m going to ask again and if you still aren’t ready we just aren’t meant to be. Then he has an expectation. And so do you.
Nothing wrong with him wanting his own space if you’re ok with that then stay with him this isn’t really a deal breaker unless you really care about living with him.
He told you very clearly “He is not ready for that and says he doesn’t know if he will ever be. But wants us to keep going like this.”
He likes what you have now and only what you have now. He might as well have said “I will never want to live with you”.
If you want a romantic partner who wants to live with you find someone else.
Time to move on without him he’s being honest he doesn’t want to live/marry you.
I would ask if he would ever wanna live together. And if he says yes, ask him when. If he can’t give you an answer, move on
Not everyone wants an escalator relationship, which is a perfectly valid choice and also does not preclude a relationship being intimate and meaningful.
It sounds like he may not be interested in the relationship escalator. If you are and he does not want that, you’re incompatible and you should likely move on and find someone who wants what you want.
My last ex was happy to be in a relationship with me, but didn’t want to move in together. That kept going for a few years – at first I felt the same and liked my own space, but after a few years I was ready to move in together. He kept deflecting until I decided I didn’t want to be a long term friend with benefits.
If you’re ready and he’s not, how long are you willing to wait?
If he doesn’t know if he ever wants to live with you then what’s the point of staying with him?
I could understand if it’s a religious living in sin thing, but otherwise it’s time to move on if he isn’t able to take it to the next level.
Note especially the comment from arionrodd…that he’s holding out for someone else…but…is happy (for now) being with you.
You are an intelligent woman; however your mind is swamped by confusion, rejection, noncommitment, non-acceptance by your BF.
You however already know the answer…
A few things here
I made a mistake once of convincing somebody of all the great things about us living together. It doesn’t change who they are as a person. It is more to make you feel better about the relationship. His view on it will not change
Right now you feel like even if you said yes you wouldn’t want to because it’s a defensive emotional state. If he said yes you would end up giving it a shy and he would feel better for a little bit but all the issues you’re experiencing would still remain.
He could have fears he could have doubts and he could have insecurities which is why he is saying he doesn’t want to. I think a conversation about why he doesn’t want to or what’s holding him back is beneficial. I think convincing him is not. It’s something he should want because of the relationship that’s offered in front of him. Your job is not to try to change or convince anybody. You will spend your whole life trying to convince that person of everything which I wanted and left.
You are not being impatient if that is what you’re ready for. Do you need to have the conversation with him about what your wants and needs are and why they are that way. If he is not willing or ready to without any timeline than your answer is that you want and different things in life. It’s a hard reality to except but it’s one That is true is better to and now rather than further down the road when you question yourself more. You will create more good times and Morgan memories but you will be lacking the fundamental wants and needs that you were communicating now.
2 years and not ready to live together, then he is not committed to moving forward in your relationship, time to cut and run
He probably will never move in with you so if you are hoping to take this relationship to the next level I’m sorry but that probably won’t happen
It’s not the answer you want to hear but probably the one you need to hear. You two just aren’t compatible. He’s ok with status quo but you aren’t. He’s telling you that, listen to him.
What an odd comment to make – how many 20+ year relationships do you know of that don’t live together? If he’s saying he might never be ready, then he doesn’t think to this as long term. Just good for right now. Time for you to move on and find someone who does want to have a committed relationship
“I can respect your honestly about not being ready to move in now or ever. However, I want to be in a relationship in which I can continue to grow and move on with my partner. I’m not going to ask you to do anything you don’t want. However, I also deserve to pursue and get what I want. If this is with you, great. If not, we need to figure it out now. I don’t want to waste your time.”
If he truly cares about not losing you, he will reconsider. If not, you need to pursue your own happiness and move on.
I feel like you need to provide more context here. If he is “not ready and don’t know if he ever will be”, he probably is dealing with some sort of conscious or unconscious trauma. A man in their 30s who simply prefers to live alone would just say that. But a man who is triggered by the question would most likely phrase it the way he has.
Is he himself divorced? Did he used to live with a partner in a relationship that went south? Or maybe this is some kind of insecurity that’s been rooted in him since childhood.
Regardless, it seems a little judgmental for you to jump ship before trying to dissect the situation more. If you can get to the bottom of why he’s saying he doesn’t want to live together, you’ll either A) discover something about him that might help you support him and work on his progression, or B) discover that he doesn’t want to get serious with you, sooner rather than later, and save yourself some heartbreak.
A win/win if you ask me.
Don’t force your man to do anything ,the moment you have to convince him of something he already knows you want there’s no point he knows and doesn’t want to.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Please take time to determine what’s important to you and decide based on that. You deserve happiness and to have a partner that wants the same things as you.
I was with someone for a year when I started serious conversations about eventually living together. They were honest about not knowing if they could live with me and my kids. They weren’t engaged in conversations on what we could do to slowly move forward together. I said if that was the case I didn’t see a future with them since my goal is to live with my partner. They eventually agreed. It hurt, they were my best friend. I still miss them sometimes 6 months later but it was for the best. I was stressed about the unknown future with them. I now feel much more secure in the plans I have for me and my kids moving forward.
If you decide to leave the relationship know that it’s probably going to hurt but will get better. I learned very quickly that no contact was best for my healing. They still wanted to be friends but didn’t seem to understand how harmful it was to act like the same best friends after essentially breaking my heart.