how to grey rock 30F 37M

So this has been a long time coming but I’m proceeding with my divorce…

I am having a hard time not being emotionally invested in my soon to be ex husband’s welfare. He has a rough day, I want to cook him a nice meal. He needs something repaired, I find a how to. He complains about something, I find a solution. He gets mixed signals from this which I understand but I can’t not watch someone suffer and not use my power to make them feel better. I wouldn’t call myself a people pleaser cause I say no and will call you out for wrongdoing- I definately have trouble holding people accountable though which is why this marriage won’t work out- but I am very empathic. It’s just who I am…

A rant though.
So my soon to be ex expects the sink to be completely cleared when he walks in from work and then dirty put away in the dishwasher at night but he doesn’t want to help achieve that so he leaves it on me as a task. I try to take on this task with his expectations -he does work full time and I’m a sahm so I do see where I should have this task but maybe not with his expectation. So I’ve been inconsistent about meeting this expectation which I know isn’t right but, these could be excuses, sometimes I’m sick 0hysically, sometimes I want to do a fun task and not that chore twice that day, sometimes I’m mentally sick -bipolar but medicated and managed with therapy but this is just how my brain works-, sometimes a kid or pet is sick or hurt and require more attention and s9metimes its just been a difficult day, lately I’ve taken on working as a sub teacher as well. He expects that the sink be cleared once he is home and to use a “sensor cycle” because it gets it “cleaner” but lasts like 6 hours…I’ve timed it and after I just googled it could be because of problems or hot water. My guess is the water doesn’t stay hot enough because we run out of hot water if someone takes a shower after 2 loads of laundry on warm. I can crawl under the house and see it’s gallon size if any one is curious to help decide if it’s too small or something….he says I should get up and start a load, do one as soon as I get home/dishwasher stops and then after the kids go to bed-which after the kids go to bed I try to use as just me time but he says I should clean the house again as well as the dishes instead of me time. That’s a 12 hour waiting job…to have it done before he gets home I would need to start it before 9 a.m./right before i leave for school with the kids which will be before i get them up because we have an 11 autistic adhd, 7, and 4 yr olds and need constant help , then again as soon as I walk in the door before schoolwork or other chores, then again at 10 at night. I do all other chores as well on top of anything I feel like would make him feel good, enriching kids lives, caring for pets-no he does not feed, bathe, or care for the pets or children in any real capacity. He cooks occassionally and begrudgingly- he plays on his phone or computer, sometimes mows or messes around with a wading pools chemicals or go and help friends fix stuff. He says to help me with house chores I need to take over mowing the yard. I get 30 mins to an hour to myself after 930 pm but should spend time unloading and reloading a dishwasher after doing everything else. I forgot t9 mention that days I am not working as a sub teacher I should use the entire 8 hours to clean, then move directly into making dinner for when he gets home, greeting him, eating, then kids schoolwork, getting our kids to help clean up the house/their rooms because he feels they are irresponsible because I don’t make them- I do, trust me he doesnt-, here is where I might get an hour while they watch a movie or shows and then move into bathing before bed, then I’m supposed to do any final cleaning once brushing teeth and settling down occurs. No he doesn’t not acknowledge me at all during this time. He says it’s because I’m always busy….here is the kicker though; I asked him if for 2 weeks I did just the dishes, although I will clean the house too but focus mainly on dishes, the way he wants what would I get? Could i get a smile and some appreciation, a date maybe? He asked why he had to reward me and I answered its not a reward if im just asking for basic kindness for one day. Otherwise I’m danged if I do the dishes or danged if I don’t and I would just rather not do that much effort for the same result. He says he can’t just turn off his tiredness and I was just like for one day in 2 weeks? You can’t do just one day for 2 weeks of my effort? He said he couldn’t guarantee it. I said then your answer to what I could expect for 2 weeks of meeting your expectations is nothing.
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