My (20F) parents (51M and 50F) keep telling me things that bother me even after I tell them to stop and that it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Yesterday my dad came home from another country and he started drinking like he does everyday when he’s home. He usually starts in the morning and finishes in the afternoon, but he came home at 7-8 PM yesterday so he was sadly there when I went to play video games on my computer. He asked me if I can be normal for 7 days in the whole year when we go to the seaside in a few days. I told him no, I am how I am and I behave how I want. I also told him we already have a deal. I wanted to stay home while they go, but they won’t leave me home alone for some reason so the deal was „I’ll come with you, but I won’t go to the beach at all, I’ll mostly stay in my room because I don’t feel comfortable going at the beach”. They don’t understand me at all and don’t respect what I want. They constantly tell me to do stuff I’m not comfortable with like shaving my legs and other things about my appearance which I like how it is and I think that’s the most important thing. My mom is sad that I’m not „like other girls”, but I just don’t like stuff like makeup (I only wear foundation because of my pimples), getting my nails done etc. She seems to care about what others think which is unfortunate, I don’t. If I like how I look and dress, I don’t see the problem. Why change to please someone else and be miserable? No, thank you! Anyways, after that, my dad told me that no one would marry me because I’m like this. I told him that I don’t mind, I don’t even want to get married, they already knew that. They dismiss me not wanting a husband and kids even if I told them multiple times. Sure, I may change my mind only about the husband part, but they should still be supportive and stop dismissing my feelings. I also told him that there’s a bunch of crazy people out there who found love so anyone can, even me you know. He thought I was reffering to him and mom lol. I said no, I was reffering to other peopke he thinks are crazy, but he said he doesn’t think that about anyone. God give me patience.. I almost left and almost cried, but he finally stopped, not because I was constantly telling him to, just because he ran out of things to say. My mom also does this, she tells me stuff that bothers me about how X’s kids went in vacation with her friends and how nice that kid (girls only) looks and why can’t I be the same. They’re so not happy with me because I’m different while I like being like this, I don’t see the problem. It’s their problem they don’t accept or like me. My mom keeps saying that „I was just saying..” whenever I tell her to stop because it bothers me. She also didn’t tell my dad to stop last night, she usually did, but not yesterday. When I asked her why, she went again „he was just saying”. I always answer „well, yeah and I told him/you NOT to so why didn’t he/you stop?”.
Today, when my parents got home, I ignored my dad when he tried to talk to me. After 3 times, he finally stopped, but of course got mad. My mom then blamed me for making him upset, causing fights and making us not act like a family. I told her that I don’t care that he’s upset, it’s his fault, not mine. She came after a few minutes, telling me to forgive him and I said no. She started pulling the same „he was just saying crap” and this time I told her „okay so whenever you eat, I’ll tell you about cockroaches and I won’t stop when you tell me to”, she was jokingly saying „no, not when I eat!”. I said „but I’m just saying..”. She doesn’t take me serious, I even cried while I talked to her and she ignored it. She then changed the subject.. I really hate her. My dad too. I just wish they would let me stay home alone, it’d be so peaceful. I don’t want to move out since I can barely get out of bed to eat due to my depression which is not being treated since I can’t tell my parents because, as you can’t see, they don’t understand nor take me serious. What can I do/say to make them stop? Thank you!
TL;DR: My parents tell me hurtful things and don’t stop when I tell them to do so because it upsets me. My mom keeps saying „I was just saying” whenever I tell her to stop. Even when trying to explain to them by switching povs like „okay then I’ll tell you about cockroaches while you eat and won’t stop when you tell me to because I’m just saying”, they still don’t understand me. They don’t behave like this with others. They also dismiss my feelings, don’t take me serious, ignore it when I cry (or just not taking it serious, it depends) amd also constantly tell me to do things I’m not comfortable with. They care abou what others think and want me to be „like other girls”. I don’t. I just want to be left alone and do what I want with my life. What can I say/do to make them stop? I don’t want to move out since I can barely get out of bed to eat due to my depression which is not being treated since I can’t tell my parents because, as you can’t see, they don’t understand nor take me serious. Thank you!
7 comments
Your parents sound awful, I’m sorry.
At 20 year old are you not able to seek medical
Care on your own? The reality is you can’t control them, you can’t make them stop, you can only control yourself and your reaction to it.
You need to treat your depression and get out on your own.
They are never going to change. The longer you are present to more you are likely to carry on the cycle down the line in your life. Let’s talk about ways out for you
What are you doing to move your life forward and get out of their house? You are 20 years old and sit there and listen to them berate you and tear you down day after day. Are you working and saving money and looking for a place to live. You are not helping yourself stay there listening to two people tell you what they don’t like about you and do not accept you for who you are. You need to be aggressive in your main goal which should be to move out. You will feel better and you can make your own way and spend your time with people who accept you for who you are.
Make sure you come up with a plan on how you can move out and support yourself.
Hey OP, no disrespect, but have you been diagnosed with being on the spectrum? A few things jump out at me in your grievances – social anxiety, avoiding college and working (which would give you independence at the expense of human interaction) and very hard boundaries and resistance to “normality”.
If you are it’s absolutely not your fault, but it would make sense that your parents are failing you with their inability to cope. If you are on the spectrum, making comments like “try to be normal for a week” totally outlines their failure to reconcile the daughter they want with the daughter they have, and perhaps the ones who should be in therapy are your mom and dad…
If you haven’t been diagnosed, I think it would be good to ask your doctor and maybe figure this out – it can be a huge relief to have so many things explained for you, so you don’t have to keep explaining yourself.
Depression is a clinical diagnosis, so since you haven’t gone to the doctor because you never want to talk to your parents, it means that you are self diagnosing, which mean you officially don’t have depression. We do not know your parents side of the story, but from what you say in this thread you seem lazy and entitled.
You’re not going to get what you want out of this (living with your parents for free and being allowed to just “relax” all the time when you aren’t in school). This is not reality and your parents have clearly spoiled you if you think that you’re entitled to do this on their dime.
You have two options, as I see it:
A) Accept that you must deal with your annoying parents, go on their family vacations with them, and follow their rules so that you can continue to live there for free, or
B) Get a job and move out.
What you want is not fair to anybody, and is likely impossible given the fact that your parents no longer wish to support your behavior. You’re going to have to stop wishing life was easy and do something to find independence.