(Trigger warning for Domestic Violence) My wife recently made a friend with a local woman. She has a daughter who is quickly becoming great friends with both of our children. A couple times I’ve come home from work and both Moms and the 3 kids are having a good time, but my wife’s friend is nice, but clearly uncomfortable around me. Turns out there’s a good reason. She assumes that all men are like her husband. They put on a good show around most people, but he’s extremely controlling and both emotionally and physically abusive.
It started with a story from the recent heatwave. Turns out that the only AC in the house is in his man cave. And the daughter had been overheating at night. That’s when my wife started asking questions.
Turns out he’s been abusive towards the wife. Especially when he’s drinking. But she didn’t give any details. Then yesterday when I come home to everyone she’s got a big bruise on her face.
I need real advice on how to support my wife while she supports her friend. She’s trying, but they haven’t known each other too long. I suggested Alanon for her friend. (I’m in AA myself) But my wife isn’t in the head space to really help, but she wants to.
Please advise
6 comments
There are domestic abuse shelters almost everywhere. We had a similar situation with a neighbor. She was abused and her husband ended up getting arrested. We tried to get her to go seek help over and over but she refused. She end up living with us for 8 months with her three kids and four dogs. It was rough but we felt like we needed to help get her back on her feet. She is now down to two dogs and in an apartment. Luckily we had a really good support group that helped us financially place her in an extended stay for three months for free and then she had to get her own place. The local place near us was like an apartment complex and they base rent in what you can afford. They offer all kinds of stuff for kids and mom to get the help they need. She never took the help and is still struggling. It breaks our hearts and we do what we can for the kids here and there. I would look up domestic violence shelters near you and have the phone numbers ready or call for better advice. It’s hard to open up and if she is not ready or scared. Be a friend that listens and makes her feel safe. It’s a fucked up world sometimes and nice to know there are good people out there willing to still help others. Good luck 🙏
I would talk to someone from police department DV.
These people were great in helping with situation like this. May God bless you wife’s friend. Nobody deserves to go through this tough time.
https://www.womenshelters.org/det/new_horizon_family_center_family_violence_shelter_77523
If nothing else, start documenting everything. That way in the future if she decides to pursue legal action, she will have at least a partial record of the DV.
Better to call the police.
I don’t know what state you are in but at least in my state there are laws requiring anyone who suspects abuse or neglect of a child to report it to protective services. Please look into that.
A few thoughts:
– it recognize you haven’t seen specific evidence of abuse against the children. However it’s hard to imagine a fight that escalated to a bruised face being quiet. The kids are likely aware and scared when that happens. You’ll have to make a judgment call on whether you think DSS needs to be involved. Some eyes on the situation could help bring husband into line, even if temporarily.
– DSS reports are confidential. However your wife’s friend (or her husband) might put 2 and 2 together and this might alienate them from you at a time when she needs support.
-a lot of people stay because they financially cannot support a household without the abuser. If there’s any room for her to work outside the home and be able to make some money that could go a long way towards her future independence. If your wife could help her get a job or access child care that would be an incredible support.
– she should take pictures. She needs to Document. Even if she isn’t ready to leave, your wife can offer to keep a dated journal at your home so it wont be discovered. it could be helpful down the line. Your wife should keep a similar journal of her observations and disclosures.
– identify your local domestic violence shelter and resources. This woman needs a safety plan.
– if you feel comfortable with this option you might offer that she and the kids can come next time things start to get heated. It would get her out of the house and to safety until he sobers up. She could even keep a small bag at your house of things they would need for an overnight.
Edit:
One more idea. If she thinks she might separate then she should consider applying for public housing sooner than later. Those waitlists can be really long. Perhaps she can use your address to receive mail.