The title basically sums everything up. We have been together 5 years and married for almost 5 years. I(F25) love my husband(m24) very much. We have one child together who has special needs around preK age. I stay at home and he works full-time at a job that is physically and emotionally straining.
The news he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me came about a two weeks ago. We hadn’t had sex in 3 weeks as family had been with us for a few days and then my son wasn’t sleeping well. I had chalked my husbands mood up to stress and sleep deprivation, as that was what I was struggling with as well. Come to find out, he is depressed and was “pushing me away”. He sent me a text while he was a work that he had something important to talk about and he was scared to talk to me about it. I knew it had to be bad because we openly communicate about everything, even though he is naturally a closed off person. He came home and told me he wasn’t happy. I asked “with work? With life? With me and our marriage?” He said with everything. I asked him if he wanted to be married to me and he said I don’t know.
I grabbed our child and drove off somewhere to cry since I wasn’t sure what to say and I didn’t want to say something I might regret in the heat of the moment. This all came as a surprise since I thought we were happy together. My only complaint in the marriage EVER has been that I don’t have enough sex with him. I naturally have a higher sex drive, and he’s told me forever his is lower. Two years ago I found out he takes himself in hand and watches porn in secret, which is something we BOTH agreed was a no for our relationship. I felt betrayed at the time and cried since I have basically begged him for more intimacy. I told him if he wants to watch porn, fine, but I want more intimacy, more pleasure for myself since it’s mostly always his pleasure. He asked for more warning the morning of when I want sex. Since that day, I basically tell him “I’d like to be intimate today” and have to initiate everything, even though he genuinely enjoys sex.
All of that to say, I came back and talked to him. Work has been stressing him out. We just moved across the country this year for his work and it’s been hard on us all. I told him that I would never judge him for being depressed, I myself have been on antidepressants and stress meds since I was 19 and regularly see a counselor. This is something we can work out. He said he’s not sure, he’s felt this way for 2 months now. But he will fight for us.
Fast forward to this last week. I have given him so much space, time, tried not to question him. I asked him if he wanted to still be intimate and he said he doesn’t think he can get turned on. Well, I had a sneaking suspicion that he was lying. I know him well enough. I point blank asked if he was self pleasuring. I know he didn’t want to be honest with me, but that’s all I’ve ever asked of him. He replied yes, this morning. I asked if it was to porn. He said when he does self pleasure, it’s mostly to pictures of me nude but sometimes porn and he watches it while I’m asleep or at the gym. I felt so betrayed. I hadn’t orgasmed in almost a month. He doesn’t like to eat me out, never initiates, won’t hardly touch my vagina, I’m always giving him blow job’s (which i do love to so) and I practically have to schedule sex with him because he’s led me to believe he has a low drive. Turns out, he doesn’t. He claimed he watches porn for inspiration for us, which I think is another lie since I’ve begged to try new things in the bedroom. Bought butt plugs, toys, lingerie, ect. I asked if he was even attracted to me. I workout 4-5x a week and try to keep myself presentable. He said of course he was, that’s not the issue. He just can’t stop looking at porn and thinks “he’s too set in his ways”
Anyways, I’m pissed now that he has practically given up on our marriage just because he’s struggling and hasn’t even bothered to get help, yet I’m the one who’s fought over and over for us. I listen to him, try to understand him, yet he doesn’t even seem like he cares. He’s a good man, a fucking fantastic dad to our child, and loves us both a lot, that I do know without a doubt. I feel we are worth fighting for an he says he knows we are, yet I just feel hurt and betrayed. I’m lost on what to do since I’ve never given up on us and yet it feels like he’s just thrown in the white towel.
He has a standing appointment with a psychiatrist and counselor next week to get help, and I know he is trying in his own way, I just can’t help but feel hurt, pissed off, betrayed, and unattractive. Help? Advice?
5 comments
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I don’t have advice for you. I have empathy, though. I know this feeling, been there, and despite thankfully not having a kid in the mix, the sense of not feeling desired and a partner not being sure of the relationship is honestly earth-shattering. You feel like you’re groping around in the dark, not sure where you’re going or how you arrived in the dark in the first place, but here you are.
I don’t have anything to offer except a virtual hug, and the positive thought that at *least* he’s willing to see someone to figure out what’s going on. A lot of people are too prideful to do so.
Honestly, this sounds like a run of the mill bad marriage. Neither of you seem happy or satisfied with each other, at least not as a married couple. You’re both still young. Why fight this?
If he’s a good dad, you should have no problem sharing custody, so you can’t say you’re staying together for the child. Besides, separate but happy parenting is much healthier for a child than together but miserable.
I say stop trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole and move on. Go find/do whatever it is you each want in your respective lives.
I’ve noticed among my friends that a lot of them who got married younger (less than 23ish) seem to have “buyer’s remorse” around their mid and late 20s. They feel like they lost out on a lot of life and start to kind of want to get out.
Sometimes it just balances out, but it also often results in separation/divorce.
I do have to say the attempt to control the masturbation is probably not helping. Yes, you said he agreed. But did he agree or did he “agree” because he felt like there was no room for negotiation and the argument wasn’t worth it.
Masturbation and sex are just different sometimes.
I’m so sorry. This is hard. I would get into counseling so you can prepare yourself emotionally. It sounds like he has checked out of your marriage. If that’s the case, there’s nothing you can do. Prepare yourself to move on. You can’t be the only one in this relationship.
Since you’re a SAHM, get some legal help to work on a legal separation with spousal support as well as child support.
Don’t leave your family home. Have him move out. That may help him figure out if this is what he really wants.