I’m naturally an early riser, though I’ve worked the Du Pont schedule on an off for the last ten years and feel I’m relatively flexible with my sleep. I feel like I don’t sleep less than the average person (7-8hrs/night?). The only “crazy” thing I might do is set alarms on days off in the winter, but I have SAD and need to be able to see some daylight if I can.
Yet… I can’t seem to find a guy that doesn’t want to sleep the day away. My long-time ex would drive me insane- we’d go to bed around 1 or 2am… and he’d sleep clean until 3pm the next day. For a year or so, I would only see him on weekends, so I’d try to hang around until he woke up and instead wound up just sitting around reading for hours on end. Eventually I moved closer and just went home, but then he’d get left out of my plans for my day off because I’d already be out with friends by the time he woke up. We didn’t go on a single date after the covid lockdowns let up, because he’d wake up late and have a pile of housework to do instead (he also refused to leave the house after 8pm, which was a different social anxiety problem he didn’t deal with). It was miserable and I eventually left, but…
Next dude was the same deal. He’d rise at the crack of 2pm on his days off, go to bed around 3am or 4am. He lived over an hour from me, and I’d be relegated to stare at the ceiling or reading in the kitchen. Again. I ended things pretty quickly, when I became clear he wanted me to be a girlfriend instead of a date but also had no capacity to wake up.
This current dude? We went to bed before midnight. It’s noon now, he’s still passed out cold and I’m trying not to make too much noise in the rest of the apartment. This is the third time I’ve stayed over and this is the third time this has happened. And I’ve gone ham on a box of macaroons he left out, because I’m starving and its the only unprepared food lying around. The only improvement over the last guy is that he has a coffee maker, so I’m not going to get a headache from the caffeine withdraw in an hr.
I asked a few of my male friends about it, and they all say its pretty normal for them to sleep twelve hours if they don’t have plans. This doesn’t seem in the least bit normal, and it’s sure as hell not attractive to me. What the hell do I do to not spend every “date morning” dilly dallying about? I’m not in college anymore; I like spending the morning after having a cup of coffee with my significant other instead of going on a drive of shame. I get me and the current guy are only a few dates in, but it doesn’t seem like an option at all now. Should I start waking my dates up at a certain hour? Do I start asking on the first date how long these mfers sleep?? Am I stuck only dealing with guys after sunset from now on?
I’m at a loss because I’d rather leave before bedtime if I’m going to wake up on my own anyway. At least then I can go through my morning routine.
Tl;dr- Last three dudes I’ve been with sleep 12+ hrs a day. Can’t figure out how to land one that sleeps less than this.
45 comments
Go to the gym or to a dog park in the morning and hit on guys there maybe?
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How do you meet guys? If you are using dating apps, I would try specifying that you are looking for a morning person.
>we’d go to bed around 1 or 2am…
That may have been the problem. I know you intended it as “we stay up late on Fri and Sat” but if he’s awake at 1am monday through friday and getting up like most working class folk at 6am or 7am, he was continuously sleep deprived. Naturally on days he didn’t need to work he slept 12 hours because he needed to.
Try to get in the habit of going to bed by 10 or 11pm.
Also, some people are just morning people and some people aren’t. Maybe ask the next guy if he’s a morning person or not.
I haven’t slept passed 9am in years. Sometimes I feel like if sleep passed 7 I’ve wasted the day.
Are you dating younger dudes? Because most men in their 30s I know get up at a reasonable hour on weekends because they.. have shit they want to do. I think you should just be up front and say “I’m a morning person and I like to get up around x time in the morning on weekends.” if they aren’t interested in doing that, then either you aren’t compatible, or you need to get used to doing things solo in the morning (why are you scavenging for food in this new guy’s house for hours rather than… waking him up or just leaving?)
Clearly you’re putting the mojo on them and they need that many hours of rest in case there’s a round two.
What are you/they doing when you/they are staying up to 12 – 4am? If it’s drinking or drugs, I can kinda understand. By the time I was hitting my late 20s, staying up until the sun comes up after a night of partying would spell an entire day sleeping it off in bed. Even a drunken night in with friends could do the same.
Also, you mentioned one of them had anxiety; could they have depression as well? I’ve had partners who slept insanely long whenever they had a chance while they were suffering from depression.
Short of those, it just kinda sounds like a bad string of luck. I’ve got several years on you, but I do 6-7 hours on a good night. Even if I had the whole day to sleep, I’d be unlikely to sleep later than 9 am. But I’d also probably be in bed before 11.
Have you ever been up front with them about your desire to get up early with them?
Date older dudes. Once we hit 50 we can barely sleep longer than six hours.
I have the same problem, my ex liked to go to sleep at like 9PM and not wake up until like noon… It’s annoying to have half a relationship at best. My advice is to keep shopping. I rarely sleep even 8 hours lol
My husband only does this if he was extremely sleep deprived throughout the week, otherwise he’s usually up well before I am. He’s military though so getting up at 7am is still sleeping in to him. But I do think its normal that if you had plans like hiking he just assumed you’d wake him up to leave. Some guys just immediately fall into the assumption that their girlfriends want to manage them.
But I don’t think its a bad thing to put on your dating profile that you’re a morning person and looking for that.
It sounds to me as if you are giving too much in these relationships. Tiptoeing around so they can sleep the day away? NOPE. No coffee?? NOPE.
Perhaps it wouldn’t feel as icky if you just didn’t spend the night.
I’m a guy, and on weekends i usually sleep for 7-9 hours. Sleeping for 12+ is an absolute waste of time, I can see why you don’t want to put up with that. A normal adult doesn’t need more than 8 hrs of sleep.
Date someone who has a job? Wtf
It’s kind of crazy to control somebody else’s sleep schedule. Most people do rest on their days off, especially if they had a hectic work week. I mean if somebody went out the night before but didn’t have work the next day then they’re probably recuperating the next day. That’s normal tbh.
Don’t wake people up, that’s rude. But do have a conversation while getting to know them to see what their week is like. Y’all might have to compromise or just move on to someone else who likes to stay busy all of the time.
Just date someone who works or works in normal day time hours? Who are these people you’re picking..
Have you talked to any of these guys about this? I’m an earlier riser than my husband (though he doesn’t quite sleep 12+ hours). If he goes to bed at say 1:30 and I let him sleep, he’d probably sleep til 11ish. But I wake up around 8 or latest 9 naturally and was also frustrated having to wait for him to get up to start my day because I wanted to do so WITH him.
Two things have helped. 1. Telling him that I want to spend mornings together as couple time has helped him change his sleep habits and he’ll get up earlier with me to do coffee and breakfast. He had no idea it bothered me to wait around for him until I said something. 2. He made a fair point that nothing was stopping me from just doing my own thing if I was starving or coffee deprived.
So I try to balance us getting couple time with letting him sleep / taking care of myself. It’s been a happy compromise that gets both of us what we need while accommodating what the other wants.
Even though your relationship is new, it’s never too early to have these compatibility convos IMO. Good luck!
Sounds like your friends have garbage friends lol
I feel like maybe start scheduling morning dates early on and that will help weed out the guys who aren’t early risers? Like plan a hike or a morning coffee or a picnic at the park or whatever. I do think though you might want to consider mentioning that you’re a morning person casually in the first couple of dates and see how they respond.
My partner was a late sleeper until he hit about 34-35 and now is up a bit earlier (though still like 10am on weekends) and goes to bed earlier. Not everyone’s body has the same sleep schedule which makes it tough but if it’s important to you to find someone with a similar sleep schedule to yours you definitely should screen for it early.
Go to bed earlier and make plans with him for the next morning so you have to get up and go somewhere? My husband is naturally an earlier riser than I am, but he doesn’t mind letting me snooze a little (anything later than 9:30/10 feels really outrageous to me now though) – and I taught him how to make lovely breakfasts on the weekends so that he can entice me out of bed (this is more than fair since I do basically all the cooking otherwise).
Do you ever try to make actual concrete plans with them? Like tell them you want to have brunch at a new restaurant, go on a nice early Saturday morning hike, check out something in a nearby town and want to get on the road early?
If you have no plans, I kinda understand them wanting to sleep in a bit on the weekends if they’re having to wake up early all week. But if you’re not offering any type of alternative, how can you be upset? If they’re sleeping through actual plans, I can understand but it sounds like you just want to be entertained by them all morning? Like, leave, if they’re not up, go for a run, grab a coffee, do some shopping. Catch up later
I mean I’ve never known anyone who regularly sleeps over 12 hours so I’m not sure what the problem could be. Is it possible you toss and turn a lot and they get poor sleep quality? I’m not even sure that would do it but I’m trying to think of reasons that aren’t just coincidence that you have now found 3 separate men who sleep 12 hours a night on their days off
1. Find a guy
2. See what he does
3. If he sleeps 12hr+ on the weekends:
1. Tell him that this is a problem for you
2. If he still sleeps 12hr+ on the weekends:
1. Leave him
4. If unsatisfied, repeat above steps
Women don’t even like guys getting some rest ffs, I’m glad my girl is normal.
TLTR btw.
It sounds like you’re dating men who you’re attracted to physically but don’t share qualities with. Maybe try switching those characteristics around a little. Find someone not *as* attractive but shares the lifestyle you crave. You can find both, but you would need to be patient and date *a lot*.
Sounds like you need to focus on finding more motivated partners. Men who are passionate about their careers, hobbies, charity work, or whatever. People with passion/drive/ambition don’t typically sleep their weekends away (unless their weekday job involves working insane hours, night shift, etc.).
Try meeting people at volunteer events, dog parks, networking/CLE programs, the gym, etc. Also, if you work on following your own interests and generally improving yourself, it’s likely that you’ll meet people doing the same kind of thing.
younger guys sleep more, dudes in their 40s get up earlier than dudes in their teens or 20s.
if its not an age thing, maybe its an exertion thing. on days after a hard night of combat sports, ill sleep in till like 10-11, but if i havent been to the gym in a couple days, im usually good for 7-9AM without an alarm.
if its neither of those, it might be lifestyle. stay away from folks that do drugs, or work night shift, avoid depression, and folks with sedentary hobbies like videogames, movies, reading, or writing.
if its none o those, then im not sure im the right guy to help.
I don’t know your long term desires/plans for your life… but I’d suggest you just start living your life how you want. The right guy will fit into that. Don’t stay the night, make plans with friends or alone… no more sitting around waiting for him. And just be open about your plans. The right guy will start making plans with your for the time period.
Value yourself, and then the person who is right will value you also. You don’t need a “him”. And you DEFINITELY don’t need this type of “him”.
They don’t all sleep the day away… but those that do are not often open to change that.
Interesting. I am a dude who is almost 40. My sleeping in usually consists of me sleeping until 9 am and that is after going to be between 1 am to 3 am. 12+ hours of sleep is usually not normal. My fiancee could sleep until noon if she wanted but can also get up early if need to be.
Change your profile on the apps to say “Looking for a morning person.” Ask guys if they are a morning person – some will not even catch that you wrote that. Just have this be your filter, you don’t go on dates with night owls.
There are roughly 4 buckets of humans – night owls, early birds, long sleepers, short sleepers. Roughly equally distributed. You are dating night owls/ long sleepers.
You need to just date early birds.
do you not have solo hobbies instead of staring at the ceiling? also why not just do your morning routine anyways when they’re still asleep? Maybe it’s just me projecting but I don’t get it when people need to be around each other 24/7 and can’t entertain themselves without others.
I understand everyone is different, and you have obvi have way different values than me. I don’t really have any advice other than just keep searching for someone that matches your sleep schedule if thats what you value. All my friends have wildly different sleeping habits, so I think you’ve just had bad luck so far.
edit: I also liked another commenter’s idea where you actually propose plans that happen earlier in the day and see how they react.
Sleep schedules are probably one of the most important things to have in common. It’s a fundamental way people choose to live their lives.
Find a guy with kids and full custody of them. I used to sleep in. Now that I have kids, I’m lucky if I can sleep to 9am.
(I’m happily married, I’m not offering myself.)
Date someone with a job
There’s something called chronotypes and they are genetic and non-adaptative. Michael Walker, a famous neuroscientist, explains it all in the masterpiece “Why we sleep”.
You are incompatible with these guys, but there’s nothing wrong neither with them, nor with you. People are diverse.
Anywho, you indeed need to find a guy matching your chronotype. Maybe put it clear in your dating profile that you want an early riser to hit the farmers’ market together or hike at sunrise? See who signs up.
Sleep is like dying without the commitment.
Put “morning person” in profile. Some people like me will sleep for days if allowed to.
Try to meet men that are already out and about in the early hours.
Also, make it clear that you would like to do X activity at 11 AM on Saturday before going to bed. If you’re just expecting them to wake up with out a solid plan for the next day, I don’t think that’s going to work out for you.
If you’re up at 9 on a Saturday at a guy’s place and you’re waiting around for more than an hour for something to happen… I think you gotta revaluate how you spend your time. Why spend it waiting for him when you could just go about your day?
My partners 24m and im 29f so im over sleeping in but hes not and he wakes up when i wake up as he wants to hang out with me. Defs look for someone who is more excited to hang out with you. These guys sound boring.
Where are you meeting these men? Try going to an early morning class at the gym, early morning walk in the park, sitting in a cafe enjoying some you time early in the morning- go to the places where and when the early risers go and you’ll find them. If you’re doing online dating, put in your profile you’re an early riser and looking for other morning people.
Wake up and do stuff in the morning and just continue about your day. If you want to meet people who share your values you have to frequent places you enjoy when you want to. Someone mentioned dog park, climbing gyms have always been a great way for me to meet people and get to know em, regular park, etc. There is a website called meetup, you can find all sorts of groups that you might wanna join that interest you. A key word is frequent. I’ve been to the climbing gym regularly for months, I only just recently made some friends. It’s not something that can be rushed and will happen if you are where you want to be.
If you want someone who wakes up at a decent time on weekends too, sure, you could luck out and meet someone at a bar who likes to do that, or you could engage in morning activities you enjoy and you have a much better chance of finding someone who shares your lifestyle.
I have always dated early to mid-morning risers (who are men). Never intentionally, although I’d probably be annoyed at a late sleeper at this point in my life, but I think it’s a side effect of meeting people in things I like to do as they would rather do some activity than sleep all day.
As someone who was with a guy that slept between 5 and 30 hours straight due to some kind of illness, you have my sincere sympathy. You’re definitely not crazy just wanting a guy with a decent sleep schedule lol.
I believe okcupid has some questionnaires that you can fill out, some of them also asking about scheduling your day. This might help? 😀
Have you tried dating someone in a trade like a construction guy? Lol some of them are up at the crack of dawn and if they’re not overworked they might not sleep away the weekend.
You are an early riser and need less sleep than most.
It would be easy if you found someone with the same schedule, but it’s not always possible.
You mention staying up quite late and getting up early still – a lot of people can’t manage that in your 30s. Especially if you’re working hard all week, staying up till 1 am talking and having sex, then yeah you’re gonna need to catch up on sleep over the weekend.
My gf can do the go to bed at 1-2 get up at 7. I can’t, I’m just not built that way. If I need to get up at seven, I need to be asleep at 10 – not in my bed, not having sex or reading/watching TV – asleep.
So if you can’t find somebody like you. Might need to realize you are atypical and that if you want early mornings, you’re gonna have to dial in those long nights. Otherwise you’re burning the candle at both ends and even if you don’t feel it, it’s still not healthy. Being sleep deprived affects your cognition and judgment whether you’re aware of it or not.
I would suggest not trying to change a person’s sleep schedule. It’s a part of personality and when somebody is trying to change, it feels like they’re not accepting you for who you are and the limits you have. so I would definitely say either find another early riser or work on acceptance and being solo parts of the day, because the way you’re trying to change guys is not going to be healthy or effective for you or them.
I had a hard rule when I was dating that if a guy isn’t interacting with me for whatever reason (video games, work, sleeping) I would wait 1 hour max, then leave. This was due to guys like the ones you’ve been dating. It’s honestly a great filter; I don’t want a guy who thinks he can just stick me in the toybox when he doesn’t wan to play with me.