Long story short I’ve have been married for17 years 43 and 41 with two kids 18/13. Lately she has gone into the land of no sex with me. It’s been about 3 months with maybe one time in between there. I stopped trying at this point. However I’ve tried to talk to her about it she gets mad. I’ve tried just to be more supportive in other areas and more affectionate without sex and she just says “not now” as if I’m asking for it when I’m not. She seems perfectly happy and content with this new no sex no affection life style. There is 0 signs of cheating or anything weird going on. But she seems totally fine and yet I’m sad as fuck. It’s not just the sex it’s like she’s never been super affectionate but there is none. Being a man and saying “Oh my god I feel so lonely” makes me feel like kinda a baby lol but it sucks. Anyone else experience this? Should I just say fuck it and ignore her and do my own thing work out more, work more hours, spend more time with kids and house projects I mean she seems to care less if we spend time together.
7 comments
Been in those shoes. Best advice, honest and open communication!
You have to talk about it. If she’s happy this way and you aren’t there’s no good solution anyway, but it’s on you to make sure she understands that you truly *are* unhappy and don’t want to live like this. That means the conversation needs to happen at a time when sex isn’t remotely a possibility—do not get into this when you’ve just been shot down.
Set a time in advance, sit on opposite sides of a table with all the lights on, and tell her how you feel without worrying about looking like a “baby” for wanting affection and intimacy in the relationship you believed was going to include those things for life. Listen to what she has to say about it, and then decide what to do from there.
Talking didn’t help my situation initially because she took it as criticism no matter how gentle I tried to be. It wasn’t until I stopped pursuing her and treated her like a platonic roommate that she noticed.
When she brought it up to me, she was visibly upset. I was able to explain how her actions had essentially been making me feel the same way for years and had continued to be rejected anytime I brought it up. In that moment, she seemed to realize some sense of the damage she caused. She had been able to feel wanted and desired, without putting in any effort to reciprocate.
I’m not saying this is how you should approach it, but when I felt I had no options left, it was what I chose to do. If it didn’t change after that, I was prepared to end it. I was at the end of my rope and counseling for her was not an option. I’m sure she knew she was wrong and didn’t want a professional to point it out.
r/DeadBedrooms may also help shed some light on your situation.
You do need to start doing more of your own things. Following her around like a sad puppy looking for love is only going to push her away. Talking about how you arent getting enough sex is only going to at best get you some pity sex for a little while before it goes back to this. You need to do things to be more physically and emotionally attractive. You need to still flirt with her, date her and give her your best self. Do things to better yourself like working out, a new wardrobe, getting a new hobby, taking care of business and if your wife doesn’t come around then it will be her loss and you will be a better person.
She’s 41, any chance that she’s starting menopause?
Perimenopause? A period of time that can last up to four years before menopause sets in.