Edit: does anyone think an option could be to tell him I want a break in the relationship until he can pass a drug test?
I feel like a frog in boiling water. My (f27) bf (m27) and I are in recovery for alcohol. Recently he decided he can smoke weed though (again). The last time, a year ago, he acted like an addict for weed (sneaking it, doing too much, getting too high, generally being unstable) because he *thinks* like an addict, it doesn’t matter the substance. He also has a long history of never being able to use weed in moderation.
He is less than two months sober from alcohol. He had a one day relapse about 7 weeks ago, besides that he has 8 months.
I told him, bc of his behavior in the past and weed almost ruining the relationship, I can’t tell him what to do BUT if he becomes a pothead I’m not sticking around, at the very least I’ll ask for a break. I told him as addicts, we don’t get to have our cake and eat it too, we don’t *get* to get high every weekend like normal people.
This was a few weeks ago, he agreed and said he’ll only use it “medicinally” like if he has a headache. Then it was oh it’s once every few weeks. Then it’s oh it’s only when I have off work. Then it was oh it’s only a couple times a week. Then yesterday he smoked 3 times, the third time got too high and I had to babysit him and I was like ??? Wait a minute! I don’t need to be around this shit, I’m trying to be sober!
He literally cried and was like I’ll do anything to keep you, I learned my lesson I don’t wanna get too high, and he said “it’s not like I’m gonna smoke again in a few hours after that”. A few hours later he smoked again. And again.
At the movies he said “I have to pee” then came back reeking of weed and I said, “did you smoke?” And he was like yeah and I was like then why tf did you say you’re going to pee and he said, “I *did* pee” as if I was the one being shady here.
The right thing to do here is break up with him right? Because he’s known how I feel about this for like a year. He’s pushing my boundaries
TLDR; bf is abusing weed which is serious bc we are both addicts (alcohol) and has a shitty history with weed to the point it affected our relationship. He’s now smoking several times a day, while gaslighting me into thinking it’s not a big deal even though he’s acting like a weirdo bc ANY substance brings out his weird creepy little addict tendencies like being manipulative, lying, doing substances to excess and hiding them/doing them in secret.
47 comments
He has shown you through his actions that this is who he chooses to be. Who he *wants* to be.
If this is the future you want for yourself, then stay.
If it’s not the future you want for yourself, then leave.
But there is no future for you where he magically stops choosing this behavior.
You are responsible for your sobrierty. If that means he’s not good for that, he has to go. You only make decisions for you. He knows he’s messing up, hence all the lying. Now it’s not only the smoking and possible relapse that’s a problem, but you have an element of deceit to deal with. If that’s how he wants to handle his recovery, he can do that without you.
You’ve been doing well apparently, don’t let him drag you back. You can’t ‘save’ him if he doesn’t want to make changes.
He’s known how you feel and you’ve told him where your line was. Then he smoked and you moved the line. He smoked again and you moved the line again. He smoked again and well, you know what happened.
Even now, your inclination is to figure out how to deal with him being high and not ending the relationship. So here comes some real truth. You staying with him while he has chosen to smoke, and possibly relapse, is you picking him over your sobriety. You need to be clear that this road then, only goes one way.
>The right thing to do here is break up with him right?
Yup.
>The right thing to do here is break up with him right?
If you have to ask…!
This guy is straight up unhealthy for you right now, and his priorities are clear.
He’s clearly too unwell to be in a relationship.
Ignore the words, believe the actions.
He’s an addict through and through. He needs a lot of therapy and self work to get through this. But he needs to want it first, he’s not there yet.
It looks like you do not want to put up with it anymore, which is the right call. All you can hope is the break up acts as a wake up call, but i wouldn’t hold my hopes up
Also congrats on being sober! Keep it up.
>I told him, bc of his behavior in the past and weed almost ruining the relationship, I can’t tell him what to do BUT if he becomes a pothead I’m not sticking around, at the very least I’ll ask for a break. I told him as addicts, we don’t get to have our cake and eat it too, we don’t get to get high every weekend like normal people.
​
You already know what you need to do and you’ve already told him the consequences for his behavior–you’re 100% right, stick to your guns.
You told him when he started that you’d break up with him if he became a pothead. At this point, he smokes weed *multiple times a day*. He can’t go see a movie without taking a break to get high in the middle, **and he lies about it**.
This dude is a **serious** pothead.
Also, his relationship with pot is, as you’ve pointed out, very unhealthy. It’s both unhealthy and contagious, in that it’s unhealthy for you to be around it!
You told him you’d break up with him if he became a pothead. He has become a very serious pothead. Break up with him, without any guilt whatsoever. And don’t even consider getting back together with him unless and until he’s had at least 6 months **fully** sober, not California “sober”. I’m tempted to say a full year of sobriety.
If you need to be sober, this isn’t someone who will help w that.
Yep. Don’t be around people who can’t stay sober if you need to stay sober yourself. He’s basically slipping back into the addict mindset.
I mean the lying, the silently moving goalposts and then making you feel like you’re nuts for bringing it up. As you put it all the weird creepy little addict things.
I personally don’t stay around that for my mental health. I would doubly not do that if I wanted to stay sober. Addicts like to have company because shared guilt is half the guilt (or no guilt at all). At some point I would expect him to push your boundaries about your own sobriety.
I would break it off for sure.
Right. Tough? Of course. But you can’t risk yourself and he is an addict.
Peace to you.
As someone who has been in his position, I’m just gonna echo what other people have said: you need to prioritize your own health and make your decision based on that. I’m not gonna tell you you need to leave him, but sobriety is very hard to maintain in an environment like that and personally I would try to get myself out of that environment.
Also I’m sure you understand this already but he is not going to be able to have a measured, reasonable conversation about this. Addiction isn’t really something he can be reasoned or argued out of; he’s just going to have to reach a point where he wants to quit and then quit, and after that happens maybe he’ll be able to build enough self awareness and perspective to process what was happening to him while he was addicted.
Hi. I am a therapist who specializes in substance use disorders.
Set a limit: you smoke weed, we aren’t together. If he cannot do this, you cannot be together. He is welcome to smoke weed, he just can’t be in a relationship with you while he does it. This is one of the natural consequences of his substance use.
If you set this limit and do not hold it (eg be with him anyway as he attempts to be a “normal” weed smoker), he will come to understand that the limits you set are meaningless and nothing you say holds any weight. It sounds like you’re heading down this path.
Your post history shows that he was on dating apps and lied to you previously… you don’t need to be with this man. If you value honesty in your relationship don’t be with him
I’m a stoner and think that you should give an ultimatum or break up. Yes, it’s “just weed” but it sounds like he can’t handle himself with it. Like how does a grown adult who has used weed before get so high they need someone to take care of them?
Your sobriety is at stake here, too. You gotta do what’s best for you. If he truly can’t handle himself, but also wants to smoke, he is free to do so. He just can’t do it and be with you.
Maybe he will change if given an ultimatum, maybe not. I don’t think this situation is good for you though. You have to put yourself and your sobriety first.
He is an addict and has decided you will be the villain no matter what you do. Why are you waiting for him to accept you breaking up with him?
You just leave and focus on your own sobriety journey. It’ll be a whole lot easier without his dead weight dragging you back.
I had a science teacher in middle school who was constantly telling us he was gonna write us up if we didn’t behave. Constantly said it, never did it. No one took him seriously and we did as we pleased bcs we knew he’d never go through with his threats.
You’re constantly saying it, never doing it. Your bf is gonna continue to do as he pleases bcs he knows you won’t go through with your threat. Also, sounds like he’s love bombing you. Choose yourself and your own sobriety. You deserve more.
You’re an alcoholic, so your number one priority should be yourself and your sobriety. That means you should not allow people in your life that are actively taking intoxicating substances. You certainly shouldn’t be dating someone who isn’t 100% sober. Further, you shouldn’t be dating someone who causes you the sort of stress that may play a hand in you relapsing.
Choose yourself and dump him.
Break up with him. He’s a liability to your sobriety. Good on you for getting sober.
As an alcoholic, this is 100% my relationship with weed, and why I’m so glad it’s not legal in my state. He is replacing alcohol with weed – what he is doing is not sobriety. I certainly think you would be in your rights for breaking up with him.
I think it’s time to end things for your own sake/recovery. Every time you stay you enable him.
Join alanon. I think you managing his sobriety is a killer.
Congratulations on your 200 days! (I read ahead in the comments) One thing about recovery that can be hard for natural caretakers is that we need to put ourselves and our own recovery first. All this stuff with your boyfriend is just back-and-forth boundary testing and boundary breaking.
How much energy are you investing in this at the expense of paying attention and putting energy into your own health and well-being?
Let him go his own way and you go yours. You are obviously on a great trajectory! Keep going.
I’m no expert on sobriety/addiction issues but to me it sounds like boyfriend is not ready to be sober.
Maybe there are sober alcoholics who can smoke weed in moderation but I doubt the people who can do that were doing it within their first year of attempted sobriety. He’s using the weed the same way he used alcohol: as a sedative to regularly check out on life. It’s just his newest substance to abuse.
I don’t think being with someone in this state is good for your sobriety. I also think it just sounds like a nightmare and a half to deal with purely as a gf. I also think if you’re at the point of threatening him with drug tests, the relationship dynamic has already shifted too far. You’re having to act like a parent not a partner.
I won’t tell you what to do to. That decision is yours. Whatever you decide to do I hope you feel empowered and positive about the direction you move forward with.
Slight tangent:
> get to get high every weekend like normal people.
Maybe I’m straight laced but I think getting high every weekend isn’t normal use of drugs. Just like getting drunk every weekend isn’t a moderate or responsible use of alcohol. Unless your marijuana is being used as a medical prescription pain killer or replacing some other medically recommend pharmaceutical, getting high that much is a lot for a “normal” and healthy person.
I think you have enough relationship advice here but I suggest you also check out the /r/leaves subreddit. It’s for people trying to quit weed. I don’t think you need weed quitting advice, but I think it could be really validating to see story after story of people admitting they are addicted to weed and the serious impact it has on their lives. You’re not overreacting.
Some people can dabble with weed and be fine, some people will develop addiction behaviours with it.
He hasn’t hit bottom yet. He’s not done. You sound like you are though. It’s not a healthy relationship if you want to stay grounded.
Hey op, are you working with a therapist?
Based on your history and on this post, it seems you might need a sounding board to recalibrate healthy relationships and behavior. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot together, and you might be afraid to let go or lose a person you love and who loves you. But you also maybe went through *too much* together. Suffering isn’t love. Toughing things out and holding on isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes, we need to close a chapter in our life to move on to the next. This relationship seems to no longer be serving you (or him, for that matter). I think you need to really evaluate what you need, and maybe spend sometime being by yourself. Build up a healthy friend group, hobbies. Repair relationships that you might have damaged when drinking. Focus of yourself and your health and your goals. It’s up to him to decide if he wants to do the same, and it’s clear he’s not there yet. His rationalizing will lead to him slipping back into alcohol because he can’t be sober. Even if it doesn’t, he’s not addressing whatever core issue is that makes him need to live life numb. That’s his battle to fight and he has to do it without you.
Dump him. By reading this it seems that you too are placing unachievable goals upon him that you wait out for him to fail and cross those boundaries that are triggering to you so you try the same thing and guess what ..he fails again. You have to dump him OP. It seems that he doesn’t care and wishes never to change. This is where you sever all contact because it’s not healthy for you and you need to heal and move on. Find a person who has never been an addict. That’s where you start. I currently work in addiction recovery and while you will socialize with folks in recovery and bond with them in groups and other recovery based activities like meetings and social outings please remember that those meetings and groups are for YOUR HEALING and RECOVERY..they are NOT for you to meet and date other addicts because that’s not why they exist.
hop out the pot. do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this? unless he hits like at least 6 month stone cold sober i wouldnt bother with him anymore
Remember that you are your priority.
You need to walk away from this. Every time you baby him, every time you say “ONE more chance”, you’re enabling him. And since you struggle with addiction too, you probably already know why you shouldn’t be an enabler.
Dump him and move on. He is getting addicted to weed, and he needs a harsh dose of reality to break that habit too.
The journey to sobriety is a very difficult and unpredictable one, frequently full of relapses and broken promises. He has to walk this path, but you don’t. You have your own path you have to walk.
If you are tired of dealing with an addict, then you absolutely can call it quits. I’d make it a clean break though, rather holding out hope for him that if he can just make some arbitrary milestone he can get you back. Because even if he makes that milestone, he can still have a set back.
Yes, break up with him. He WILL NOT recover while you are together, because every time you DON’T break up with him, he learns his behavior is not a dealbreaker. Don’t “take a break”; end it. Be fully done. Tell him if he ACTUALLY gets sober (and feel free to outline specifically what that means to you in terms of which substances, frequency of use and duration of sobriety) then he can call you, but otherwise you don’t want to hear from him. Make no promises of actually being available at that time.
I’m sure it’s probably really difficult to also be in recovery and to know that if you want to stay sober, you can stay sober, because you’re doing it. But the fact is, your boyfriend doesn’t want to stay sober, and being together with you is not a good enough reason to make him commit. Put yourself first, OP, and cut him loose.
He doesn’t have 8 months then. He has the time since his last relapse. I would recommend you doing al anon and deciding for yourself what your boundaries are.
I think it may not be healthy or good for you/ your recovery to be with this person.
Yes, you know the right thing to do is to break up with him, right? As an addict you do know you can’t be around him when he is this heavy into it. He will just pull you back into it and you will lose all those months of recovery.
>does anyone think an option could be to tell him I want a break in the relationship until he can pass a drug test?
Why? Why would you want that? If you don’t have trust in a relationship, do you really want to be collecting urine samples from a significant other? I don’t know what your recovery involves, but I would discuss this with other sober friends or people in your life so you have the clarity you need.
God forbid you marry him and he decides to try gambling
Be firm with your boundaries if you want to tell him he needs to pass a drug test then you do that, don’t let him walk all over you.
He’s a liar and a loser. For the sake of your mental health and your own sobriety, dump him.
Y’all should break up. He wants to smoke weed. He’ll be unhappy if he can’t. Your relationship will suffer. There’s not much more to it.
Normal people don’t get high every weekend.
This will eventually test your sobriety in more ways than you can handle. Being around someone constantly indulging in weed is going to drive you to drinking just to deal with his dumb ass when he gets way too high and needs a babysitter. He’s stomped all over your boundaries and he’ll continue to do so until you come to hate and resent him.
Stop falling for his crying shenanigans. You know he’s not doing to stop abusing drugs. You need to leave.
Are you looking for someone to give you permission to do what your gut says is the right thing to do? If so, you have permission. Your sobriety is priority number 1.
If you stick around, this is not gonna end well for you.
The problem with addiction is that people can’t deal with life or unpleasant emotions, so they have to find SOMETHING to change the way their feel and escape life. Treating the underlying problem by helping addicts learn coping skills, learn to be able to sit with unpleasant emotions, and learning to both clean up the past and learning how to move forward without blowing everything up all over again, that’s how people with addict mentality learn to actually stay sober and clean up their life.
He is doing the opposite. And it’s common, frequently, even if addicts stay away from drugs and alcohol, if they don’t treat the underlying problem, then they may pick up new addictions like sex addiction, porn addiction, gambling addiction, food addiction, shopping etc. They will use any of these to try to change the way they feel when they don’t *like* the way they feel. And he’s done that with weed here.
The tell you would need to look for is if he is actually learning how to cope with life sober. Right now, he’s not doing that. And any addict or alcoholic, if they are *actually* an addict or alcoholic, won’t stay sober long term until they do the work to fix the underlying problem. And an ultimatum won’t do it either. He won’t do this work until he wants to do it for himself. Desperation is what drives true early sobriety, the idea of “I cannot take living like this anymore and I’ve gotta do something”. He doesn’t seem to have that desperation yet. And how to we become desperate? Well, usually we become desperate and willing when we are experiencing so much pain that ends up coming from the consequences of his illness being insufficiently treated.
I’d also be concerned for your recovery as well. You can’t control what he does, or how he stays sober (or doesn’t stay sober), but you can control who you allow a spot in your life. This situation doesn’t seem promising for your *own* sobriety, in fact it seems like it’s a huge threat to your sobriety. If you truly want to stay sober, then you must do ANYTHING to protect your sobriety. And that usually entails changing who we allow into our lives.
Congratulations on the two months, OP. Those are the hardest two months.
Source: recovering alcoholic and addict with the better part of 10 years of continuous sobriety, who also sponsors other men who want to get sober.
Addiction medicine psychologist here! In my role as a therapist I try to help people give themselves advice (that usually works better than telling people what to do) but on Reddit I get to be blunt, so here goes!
Skip the ultimatum and remove yourself from this equation. It’s not going to get better. He can’t get better until his choices have consequences. At this point, you are serving a codependent role that’s helping him stay stuck.
Get out of there bb. For yourself the most, but maybe a silver lining to reassure yourself: it’s also better for your addict partner when you stop propping up their addiction.
Recruit your friends and family, get ready for a big life change, and get out. After a few weeks you’ll feel SO much better.