This might be a little long, so I appreciate you guys reading it. Looking for genuine advice.
I (24f) have a friend (24m) who I’ve known for the last 7-ish years. We met through my boyfriend at the time, and both of us were in terrible relationships, which is what we bonded over. We both suffer from mental illnesses, him: bipolar disorder (on medication and therapy) and me from MDD and anxiety (not currently going to therapy or taking any medication, might in the future).
We’ve known each other very long, even though we’ve fallen apart and approached each other time and again, and settled into a secure friendship now. We know each other well enough to know that I was there the day he got a specific scar, for example. He knows everything about me and remembers all the things I’ve gone through. Important to note that I have very bad experience with friendships and relationships, and I tend to internalise everything. We have both gone through some terrible relationships and breakups each, and have been there to comfort the other. We know the full extent of our intimacy in all our relationships, we know how to cater to each other’s weaknesses, and are generally very comfortable around each other. Recently both of us have gone through rough break ups again, and neither of us is over our ex, although we both have a desire to move on. We are also each other’s backup, so if we’re both single by 40 (he suggested to make it 30) we would marry each other.
He has a lot to offer emotionally and practically, we both have pretty much the exact same approach in our relationships and we are much too similar in our attachment styles. We’ve suffered through mental illness our whole lives which makes us resililent and empathetic to each other. We’ve been throwing around the idea for the last few years that we should just date each other, but we both always come to the conclusion that we don’t want to ruin our friendship and we are way too similar to complement each other.
Recently we met, and we had a moment where he was in need of comfort and I was hugging him, which felt pretty normal to me. He later confessed to me that he had wanted to kiss me, but it wasn’t anything romantic, it was just because he was in need of comfort. It didn’t make anything awkward between us, because everything is so platonic.
I do know, however, that if I were to seriously suggest starting something he would jump at the idea, not because he likes me, but because he knows ive got a bad history and he has a desire to make me happy. Ive been through so much in the last few years and im going through a lot mentally, so the idea of just letting happiness in without having to do much is tempting, but i dont know if its the right reason. He is pretty okay with us being the way that we are too. Which brings me to the question. Would it be a good idea to start a relationship with someone you have that kind of connection with? Can platonic comfort ever develop into actual love? I’m not one to do anything casually. I know we both still have feelings for our respective exes. We know all the details about each other’s lives. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad? Would it become a problem later, or the level of understanding that we have could be a good thing? What if I never actually develop any feelings for him? I don’t feel any spark or attraction between us because I’ve never considered it. Neither has he. But discussing it with a friend she suggested that she would be supportive because she seems to think these are good things, and could be worth a shot. I’m just not sure what would become of my friendship if it went sideways. Appreciating the help.
TL;DR: Platonic attachment, know too much about each other, not sure if good thing or bad, should it develop into something more?
3 comments
I suspect that your need to get all this out there, along with a pretty good list of reasons why it’s a bad idea is probably a good reason to avoid going further.
You have said that you are both not over your last relationships. That alone is a good enough reason.
You have also indicated that you’re MDD and not currently in treatment. Also a very good reason to avoid.
Having each other as a “back up plan” … imagine how you would feel knowing that you’re someone’s secondary choice forever. This goes for both of you. “I’ll be with you in case I don’t find anyone better.”
I’m not shaming you BTW. I had one of these pacts myself. I am genuinely thankful that I did not end up with this person.
Enjoy your friend and your friendship. But Make yourself your own first choice. Get whatever help you have available to you. You are worth it.
I think you stay friends. It sounds like this friendship is really beneficial to both of you.
Seeing as both of you are still hung up on your ex’s and only have platonic feelings, I’d say this is a pretty bad time to experiment with a relationship.
As you said maybe down the line if neither of you is able to find a stable relationship you could revisit this but you are both still very young and have much to see and do.
I would simply be grateful to have a great friend that you can honestly tell any future partner, you’ve never had feelings for or attempted a relationship with. That way you can both easily stay in each other’s lives with future partners and all.
Don’t need to read. If you’re asking internet strangers whether you should date someone or not – that’s a huge sign that you shouldn’t date them.