TL:DR: didn’t really want a relationship, reached a turning point of two months in and it’s feeling serious. I like him a lot but I found out he isn’t financially stable or career stable and he dumped a lot on me at once. Should I end it now or tell him I want to slow down and continue to date him?
So I (25f) met a really great guy (30m) and we’ve been seeing each other for two months now. We’ve never discussed what we wanted or what our intentions were. I wanted to just explore the connection and see where things led (I didn’t want a relationship but I would be open to it with the right person)…
He is kind, has a warm soul, able to be vunerable, plans out the cutest dates, is consistent, and in all the time we’ve been spending time together I haven’t once felt anxious or stressed about him (a real change for me). I feel comfortable and safe in my feminine energy when I’m with him.
The other day he told me that I feel like home to him and that he feels at peace with me.
Last week there was an incident that happened on my side which ended up bringing us a lot closer together and intensified things between us. He made an offhand comment which was the first time I’d ever seen something off in his character, but he took accountability for it, said let’s sit down and talk about it and wanted to understand why I felt the way I did and why what he said was inappropriate.
This then spiraled into a whole conversation surrounding how stressed he is (but he has been hiding it) and that his financial situation isn’t great and his worried about the upcoming recession as this past month was the first month his business didn’t make a profit and only broke even.
He didn’t come from money and went on to talk about his insecurities surrounding it. It got to a point where I started feeling insecure and guilty because I clearly earn more money than him and leave a higher level of lifestyle than was he does and I was concious, but the worst part was him telling me about his frivolous spending. And I am sitting there Feeling guilty all of sudden even though our dates have been super cheap/savvy and not fancy dinners or anything like that.
This led to a conversation about how society makes you as a man feel like a failure for not earning XYZ or doing XYZ.
The conversation kept getting more vunerable and he told me a lot of stuff I didn’t really need to hear, then he spoke about his childhood, depression, a bit about what he went through with his ex, etc. I think it’s great he can be vunerable and I think it takes a strong man to do that, but it felt like he dumped a lot on me
Later on in the evening he “accidentally” used the term relationship to describe us and I was like woah what are we in a relationship? To which he paused and then responded no we are not.
I’m only 25, I’m in NYC and I still want to travel and explore the world and have a lot of freedom in my life, but I also know in my heart this guy is a good guy, it would hurt me to see him with anyone else and he has a strong character and a lot of really great values that align with mine.
I don’t want to “punish” him by being vunerable, but I’m scared he will start to take advantage of me and the life I live and that he will trauma dump/emotionally dump on me when I don’t have the capacity to take that all on.
I just want to hang out with him and enjoy each other’s company and be silly together and sleep together but now everything has turned complicated and I feel like we’ve reached a crossroads. This whole situation is making me feel anxious and I don’t know if I break it off with him and leave it for what it was or if I sit down and have an honest and vunerable conversation with him and see where his head is at and make a decision on what our next step is together. I definitely don’t feel ready to enter into a relationship with him right now based on where he’s at in life
What should I do? Is it giving red flags or is his character and the person he is worth continuing to pursue? I fear if I don’t end things now I’ll be having the same convo in 3 months time
2 comments
Well, if you don’t want to commit and also don’t like a guy who has less income you should better end it sooner than later.
What I don’t get is the travel thing. Doesn’t he want to travel or do you want to travel alone as a single?
For me I seek to connect with people (whether for romantic intention or for friendship) deeply. INFP here. In order to do that I work on being authentic, genuine, open and vulnerable.
For some, they are uncomfortable with that level of emotional intimacy which is OK for I only want to be with those who are OK with me/that.
I see this as a self-selection process for not everyone is for me and visa versa.
I have made several women friends from having a few dates with them and it did not work out romantically.
If this guy and his life is not what you are looking for then do both of you the favor and part ways. I would encourage you to have an open and frank discussion where you are coming from.