My boyfriend and I have been together around 3 years and have had many issues that don’t seem to change. I’ve gotten really used to being disappointed by him. Recently, I started connecting more with an online friend and chatting with him. (My boyfriend knows about this btw). I’ve found myself developing a crush on my friend, and it made me think, how happy am I truly? If I were truly happy and content, why would I be interested in my friend? I haven’t been flirting with him. I just find myself thinking about what it would be like to be with someone different, and how much I wish I could try that out.
It feels unfair to my boyfriend that I feel this way. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was having these thoughts about other people. I don’t want to go into long details, but he has constantly let me down in our relationship. I have to tell him to do basic things every boyfriend should do. I am always there for him and willing to compromise, but it’s never returned.
My boyfriend thinks everything is fine, and I do really care for him. But I’m exhausted of telling him how to treat me right. I feel like there’s someone out there who will treat me right without me begging for it. He is already stressed right now, and I know it would really hurt him if I broke up. I don’t want to hurt him or cause him to spiral. But I also can’t pretend like I’m happy to be his girlfriend when I’m not. I’m also scared to take this major step in my life.
How do I approach breaking up with him, and staying broken up? I tried to break up with him two months ago. But I couldn’t follow through with it. He started hugging me and crying. I immediately told him I was sorry and we got back together. When I’m not emotional, I know we shouldn’t be together. But I have trouble sticking to my guns. Thank you in advance for the advice 🙂
24 comments
This one hits very close to home so it’s kinda painful to reply. Rip the bandaid off, it sucks when your partner is interested in someone else and is sticking around without wanting you.
How does he not treat you right? What does he need to do to treat you right?
OP, are you me? I’m so sorry, I had to make the same decision back at the start of the year.
I broke up with my boyfriend and tried it out with someone new.
1000% the best decision I had made in a long while. My new partner treats me with all the love and respect I had been longing for and more. I haven’t regretted it for a single second.
Hell yes it was hard. Hell yes my old boyfriend tried to get me to stay, telling me that he’d change and I never really told him how I felt.
No, he wasn’t listening to what I was saying. I had told him plenty of times in different ways.
Break up, stay strong and no matter how it turns out you will find either what you need or what you’ve been dreaming of.
What you described sounds so much like what I am going through and I am curious what advice people may post here.
My problem is he eventually comes around and makes changes but sometimes they don’t last or it takes a lot of work on my part and he comes along kicking and screaming the whole way.
He’s made a lot of change to his life and I appreciate that and always tell myself that I should be happy that my partner is willing to make changes to make me happy. But it has always felt forced. Not like we’re a team in making sure we both have what we need.
I know that he will always continue to change but I don’t know if my patience will just wear too thin and that by the time he gets there I will have fallen completely.out of love.
He also says he never asks me to change as if that is a good thing. He thinks the right way to do a relationship is to keep things to yourself.
Sorry for ranting on your post. I feel what you are going through and every time I want to break up I can’t do it.
If you don’t live together then write him a letter and state that your decision is final and not to contact you any further. Give jt to him and walk away and turn off your phone for awhile and block him from your socials. Don’t answer any calls from numbers you may know. If he tries to see you don’t let him in and don’t engage.
Oh man.. if you had typed husband I was 99% sure I knew you. *whistles* Truth is.. for most people.. it doesn’t get better with time. Two options. Couples therapy or accept that it’s not fair to string him along longer. He’ll be sad, he’ll be hurt, but hopefully, ultimately, he’ll find someone better suited for his behavior and you for your’s.
Classic case of ‘I found a another guy who I have a crush on. Let me think about all the things my partner doesn’t do for me, so that I can feel justified I’m breaking up with him and not feel like the bad guy’
* Remember how little consideration he has demonstrated for your feelings and needs whenever you are tempted to get back with him to make *him* feel better.
* Remember that this is not a negotiation. You are not asking him for permission, or asking him to agree to it. You are *telling* him that this is over. He has had many warnings. You have already asked him in every combination of words to give a shit and he just doesn’t. Now, it wouldn’t matter if he started being the perfect boyfriend overnight, because his neglect and indifference have destroyed any feelings you had for him.
* While he may be upset in the moment, he is just responding to a change that he didn’t want to make, not genuinely sorry to lose you, or regretful about his behavior that caused you to be done. He’s like a cat when you close a door: he didn’t care enough about you to change his behaviors, despite repeated opportunities to do so, but now that you have closed the door, suddenly he thinks that he wants to do better. He doesn’t, he just hates not getting what he wants.
* Remember that even though it feels like you are hurting him in the moment by saying no, you are actually helping him in the long term. To go back on your breakup might make him feel better for a little bit, but in the long term, it means that he isn’t learning the lessons he needs to, or free to find a person he *does* belong with.
* Go no contact with him for a bit, and make an effort to stay busy. Pick up a new hobby, or even a part time job. Just keep yourself out of the house and occupied for a bit.
* **DO NOT** try to “remain friends.” I know it’s tempting to say that, because it feels like it softens the blow of breaking up a little bit. But it will just confuse you and him. Once you sort out the logistics (getting your stuff back etc) you should block him for a while. It’s not mean, it’s just being clear. It would be far more unkind to provide him with hope when there isn’t any, or to flip flop back and forth with him. You are not friends now. You don’t like each other as friends. Don’t try and force a friendship just to stop yourself from feeling guilty.
* He is more resilient than you think. He’s gonna be fine. Don’t overestimate your importance in his life, a breakup isn’t going to cause him to spiral. If you were genuinely the lynchpin holding his life together like that, he’d be demonstrating a lot more care and dedication to the relationship. He would take your concerns seriously. He would show you that you are important.
Quit talking to this other guy and talk to your bf. You don’t describe what “issues” your having but if they are justified then talk to him about it and tell him you aren’t going to be with someone who doesn’t do said things. But seriously quit talking to other guy that’s not fair to your bf.
Cut him off he’s selfish
If your not both actively working to make the other happy and to make the relationship work, then you shouldn’t be together.
This isn’t so much about “changing”, but I believe more about making an effort to show that you care.
People will naturally change over time, but you shouldn’t need to ask someone to change something to make you happy. If anything, you simply share what they do that makes you happy, or what they do that upsets you. What they do with that information will show you how much they value you and the relationship.
You should end things because it sounds like your relationship is not fixable, but not because you’re emotionally cheating. Your thinking is not clear.
*I tried to break up with him two months ago. But I couldn’t follow through with it. He started hugging me and crying.*
Its super common that a couple break-up attempts are made to get it to fully stick.
My ex-gf used to fall apart so intensely when I tried that Id cave and say we could keep trying. Eventually you realize that you are just an emotional hostage and try it again the assertive way you should have the first time.
Paper towels
The amount of justifications women give themselves they are on the right path is blowing my mind that’s why I don’t trust them snakes always bites no matter how much you love them
You have to stop talking to your friend if you’re developing a crush on him. If your relationship is good then stop it at once. You will always find a new relationship much more interesting than a 3 yr old one. Then again you are young and no rush to get married and have kids. But trust me the crush you are developing means nothing, after you date that guy, you will develop a crush on someone new. It depends how much your relationship is worth throwing out.
Write it down in two places and in two different forms:
First, a letter, journal entry, paragraph to yourself. What behaviors are you tired of? How do those make you feel? What songs reflect how you feel in your relationship? This is a reminder to *you* about why you are breaking up with him. This will come in handy just before you talk, and in the time that will come after.
Second, a cue card with a rough outline of what you want to say: what are the reasons, succinctly, that you are ending this relationship? You will use this cue card if you need it. Make it helpful, even if you never plan to actually use it (because you might).
OP, breakups are so hard. They often feel conflicted. Rarely do we get the chance to end relationships with a clear and decisive feeling internally, even in the very *worst* of circumstances. You can do this! There will be waves of doubt afterwards, but that is what your letter to yourself is for.
Accept that this *will* hurt him, but this decision isn’t about him and what he didn’t do to prevent it. It is instead about you, and what you deserve. If he had prioritized you, and listened to you, this relationship might not be ending. You’re not the one hurting him. You’re the one executing the consequences of his inaction. And because you are your own person, you have a right to have expectations for how you ought to be treated by a romantic, and potentially lifelong partner.
Meet with him out in public and if needed have a friend to back you up.
He should already suspect it is coming since you tried 2 months ago. Rip off the band aid, end it and then block him!!
Yeah. This happened to me. I wasn’t happy but couldn’t bring myself to break up with my ex. He broke up with me and it was the best thing that could have happened. I didn’t feel that way at the time, but my god if my life is not 500% better after that happened. Just do it.
If she trusted your ability to pick him in the first place, he should trust you to know when it’s time for you to go.
It might help if you explained that even if things somehow got better, now that your heart has shifted there’s no going back from that. The connection is gone. He might learn that having someone who can have that connection with him again will be much better than always wondering if you really love him.
It really kind of matters what you consider “basic” here.
My girlfriend is textbook OCPD and thinks washing vegetables before cutting them and not forgetting where my keys are are basic things that are worth ending a relationship over. Seriously. She believes she’s perfect and judges over the tiniest things, and blows these up in her mind to be “irresponsibility”, “immaturity”, and generally “not doing basic things” like you would say.
So really without knowing specifics I have no idea if you’re actually being reasonable.
If he’s not improving and it’s been years though, then he’s not meeting your needs and it is what it is. Go forward and find someone who at least will change after three years of being reminded of the same stuff over and over. I changed for my girlfriend even though she was being unreasonable, because the things she brought up were small and simple, so why not?
Edit:
I read your clarifications. Dump him he’s putting in zero effort. He doesn’t appreciate you he seems like an ass or depressed or both. Not your problem, find someone that puts equal effort in that you can be happy with.
If you don’t want to be with someone then it’s you’re right not to be with them. I noticed some people suggesting that you’re just infatuated with someone new and you should stop talking to your friend and idk how good of advise that is if you were having issues before the crush you mentioned.
As far as the break up goes, it’ll never be easy, you have to just be clear and direct. Then take some time to not talk to him so he can’t make you feel bad for your decision. Break ups just suck but they are part of life
i (23F) had this same situation a little over a year ago where i also fell for a friend. my ex got annoyed at everything i did (i’m talkin even blinking the wrong way) and it just wore me down. he knew for awhile that i wasn’t happy anymore, but refused to let me break up with him. one night, after several times of me telling him i wanted him to leave and that i didn’t want to be with him anymore, he stayed at my house until 3am and would not leave until i gave up and agreed to just stay together.
when he finally realized i was too far gone, and also acknowledged that i must’ve formed feelings for my friend, he broke up with me for my sake.
i would honestly rip off the band-aid here, as it’s probably the best outcome for both of you
Bro just rip off the band aid. You gotta be cruel to be kind. No one wants to be in a loveless relationship. Go to their place and do it in five mins and leave. Don’t stay any longer to talk things through.