Boyfriend getting separation anxiety what do I do to help with that.

16 comments

1. You don’t do anything. He needs to get therapy.

2. Has he ever considered seeing a therapist about his trust issues and codependency? It’s unhealthy for him to feel this way and should likely seek an expert for help with his insecurities

3. Sounds like he needs therapy. Nothing you can do can fix this sort of issue. But be sure to make him get therapy as the situation will only ever get worse.

4. This is on HIM to fix, not you.

   Suggest therapy.

5. This is not your problem to solve.

   What work is HE doing (with a therapist, ideally) to manage his anxiety and spiralling thoughts?

6. The first thing is to recognize it’s not a “you” issue. It’s not something you can just fix. It’s not something you can accommodate and resolves the issue. It’s something he needs to individually work through and seek support. The MOST you should do is be supportive & patient as he’s navigating this issue. Do not enable or provide excessive reassurance. This will only validate his insecurities/anxiety.

7. Leave. It’s only going to get worse. To the point he will get upset when you spend time with family or friends and he’s not included. He will slowly isolate you and manipulate you and ultimately become violent.

8. How old is he? 4 yrs old?

9. Give him a toy with treats inside so he keeps himself entertained.

10. Acknowledge that this is his problem and he needs to seek therapy. And if the therapy isn’t working, he needs a different therapist or he’s not following the program laid out for him.

11. How long are you apart and how old are you two?

12. This is actually a method abusers use to control you. He’s managed to survive his whole life without you; he’s not gonna die when you’re gone for a few hours. It’s a way to make you feel bad and break you down so you become accustomed to serving his needs and putting them first. It’s not healthy or cute. You can suggest therapy but he’ll likely turn that around on you and be upset that you’re trying to “fix” him since all he wants is to spend time with you and that isn’t wrong. Honestly I would suggest you move on to someone who understands that people are individuals and that it’s healthy to have interests and activities separate from our partners.

13. Crate training.

    Create a safe space for him when you are away, encourage him to rest there when you are home, and reward him with treats for using it.

    Put down some soft bedding, and some of his favorite toys so it feels like his home. /S

    Wait, this is an adult human?

    YOU cant do anything. He needs therapy to get to the root of this problem. If he doesn’t get help, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

    It could also be a control tactic on his part to isolate you from friends and family, but not knowing more about your relationship dynamic and whether or not it is unhealthy in other ways, i dont want to speculate.

    ETA: He is in therapy and it isnt helping, but you should see if you can go to a session with him to help paint the full picture and get advice from the therapist on how to better help him. However therapy only works if he wants to change.

14. God, most of the comments here are horrible.

    This is a him problem, and it’s becoming a relationship problem. I get separation anxiety from my partner as well. I also always assume the worst will happen and it fucking sucks. But I’ve worked on it significantly and it barely bothers me anymore.

    Your partner is 100% entitled to feel however he wants, but he absolutely cannot act on those feelings. Him telling you ‘no’ to doing what you want to do is unacceptable (with obvious exceptions, as long as you are both staying within eachother’s reasonable boundaries).

    My separation anxiety stems from an alcoholic father (recovering now!) and being cheated on by some ex-girlfriends. My partner and I built a lot of trust. She doesn’t give me a reason to not trust her ever. I do the same. There is literally no reason to have secrets or hide anything between each other in a healthy relationship. So communicating that and letting him know you love him and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him is step one. Obviously, anyone can say that, but the reassurance helps. When my partner has plans that don’t involve me I try to keep busy. I make plans of my own to hang out with friends. If she is spending the night somewhere, I try to spend the night somewhere too so I’m distracted. We check in with each other every hour IF WE CAN. There is an understanding that sometimes you are having fun and lose track of time and it won’t ever be 100% perfect every hour on the hour. sometimes it’s multiple hours that go by. But just a quick text reassuring that they are in fact alive and having fun (and saying I miss you, in a non-needy way) is very helpful. If I can’t make plans with other people, I try to make a plan for the night “I’m going to watch this movie, or play this game”. I’ve also found taking anxiety medication helps if it’s really bad. I used to take a buspirone 5mg pill that I got from my general doctor. It’s fast acting and doesn’t require you to take it every day, pretty sure it’s nonaddictive (I don’t get any sensations from it like someone might on a Xanax).

    He should stay in therapy and really focus on that specifically (and root problems causing it) if that is the biggest issue. If therapy isn’t working he either isn’t a good match with his therapist, or he isn’t putting in an honest effort.

    Please for the love of god, take everyone’s response here with a grain of salt, including mine. People are replying so emotionally based off their own experiences here. This isn’t necessarily only going to get worse, like some people have said. It also isn’t necessarily going to get better. But try and communicate about the situation, validate his feelings, reassure him (doesn’t have to be constantly), but also let him know that he can’t control you and what you do just because he is codependent.

15. I’ve had success with crate training

16. So, as someone who also deals with separation anxiety from my boyfriend, I can kinda see both sides. When my boyfriend and I got serious, and the sep anx got bad, im talking I was almost on stalker level because he was hours away on a work trip, we talked things out on why I felt like that. He’s been very reassuring to me about things. He’s currently on another business trip and I’ve been pretty okay. You need to be patient and reassuring, because usually separation anxiety is from trauma.
    HOWEVER I seen you said he’s in therapy and its not helping, along with the fact that you’ll ask to go somewhere and he’ll say no, then get upset and shit? Babe that’s very manipulative behavior. I’d get your stuff and go. It’s only gonna get worse from here.