My (32f) boyfriend (32m) of 8 months told me recently that he thinks it’s weird that we are the same age and that most of the relationships he knows, the man is at least a few years older than the woman. I’m feeling insecure about it and am not sure what to do to alleviate my insecurity or talk to him about how it made me feel. It’s making me think he’s just going to leave me for the next pretty younger woman who crosses his path. Help?

Tl;dr boyfriend thinks us being the same age is weird and I don’t know how to feel comfortable in the relationship anymore

42 comments

  1. I would ask if that makes him question the relationship or if it was just a passing statement.

  2. The whole “man should be a few years older than the woman” thing is based off the groundwork of “men take longer to emotionally mature because it’s not expected of them as children/teenagers”. If you two are at the same maturity level, it doesn’t matter.

  3. That’s definitely a strange thing for him to say. I don’t think it matters as long as you love each other. I am female and my fiancé is slightly younger than me.

  4. I cannot fathom a reason for him to voice this that isn’t adjacent to “and maybe therefore I should date someone younger”. It’s possible it was a careless utterance of something he doesn’t really buy into, but even that is annoying. I’d share with him this makes you insecure, not because it’s true or whatever, but because it makes you worry what HE thinks

  5. I’m older than my Mrs by 20 days. Love having a younger model.

    I think this is a him issue tbh. Off the top of my head there are as many relationships where the woman is older in my circle of friends, the biggest age gap is my sister who is 10 years older than her fiance. 😆

  6. I have the exact same birthday as my boyfriend, except I’m like 10 hours older, and we’re both fine with it. My last relationship I was in, I was also the same age as the guy. (though not the same birthday, lol.)

    ​

    It’s completely normal. I know of happy relationships where the woman is a couple years older even. As long as you are happy together and at the same maturity level, the nitty gritty details of the age don’t really matter.

  7. That’s an odd and unsettling comment. Why would it be weird for you two to be the same age? That’s more expected and natural than a gap, TBH. In any case, if it helps even things out, most couples *I* know are either the same age or the woman is older.

  10. I’m a year and some change older than my partner, and the topic of age has never once come up like this. I’d say it’s a weird comment to make, but I don’t know him like you do. If it’s bothering you, seriously sit down and ask him what I means. It doesn’t have to be a whole ordeal, maybe just say “hey X, I’m confused what you meant by this. You said it’s weird but I can’t figure out why it would be weird, could you tell me why you feel that way?” He’ll most likely give you an answer with a direct question like that

  11. You should tell him how his comments made you feel, and now they’re causing you to feel uneasy about the relationship. You’re not going to feel any better by just bottling things up. You need to know where his real headspace is regarding your relationship as a whole. You’ll either feel more confident and secure, or you will realize it’s time to leave.

  12. I’m 36f and my bf is 31m, so… I’d say confront him about his words. What would he like you to do about the lack of age difference? Ask him if this is going to be an issue for him going forward.

  13. My husband and I are a week apart in age, my parents 6 weeks apart (married 40+ years), and my great grandparents shared a birthday (born on the same day, same year, one town apart. That doctor must’ve had a busy day.) Maybe relationships with older men + younger women are what your BF is used to seeing so it seems normal to him, or maybe like others have suggested he is saying something deeper. Time for a good talk.

  14. I would feel less insecure and question why he puts any value in the man being older? This is a him issue, not you.

  15. That’s sexist and stupid. Your boyfriend sounds immature.
    My husband is younger than me, it’s never been an issue because he’s not an idiot.

  16. The reason many older men date younger women is because they enjoy (subconsciously or not) the power difference, maturity difference, etc. It’s much easier to impress a young, naive girl than it is to impress someone who has world experience and knows what she deserves.

    Being the same or similar age is pretty normal.

  18. I’ve always dated women older than me and preferred it that way. It’s a him thing. He’ll either get lost or get over it.

  20. Dump him. What a stupid fucking statement.
    He is not worth any energy if thoughts like that go through his head!

  23. Sounds like he’s intentionally sowing the seeds of doubt in your relationship so he has the basis for a breakup. If you don’t feel secure and completely comfortable I’d bail. You’re only 8 months in. Do you feel like there’s a way forward here when he’s intentionally making you doubt things?

  24. I used to think age-gap relationships were normal because my dad was 7 years older than my mom.

    In hindsight, I think she was pretty screwed over. They were 19F and 26M when they married in 1976. She had me in 79′ and was a SAHM until my brother went to kindergarten in 1988. After that, she just worked part time at the grocery store and took care of everyone until 2019.

    In 2019, my dad died. He lapsed on his life insurance payments 6 months before he died, and now my mom lives in my basement….and still works at the grocery store. She’s almost 65.

    I see my parents’ relationship differently now. She was young and nieve, he was charming, and she gave up her own life to support his wants and goals. In return, she thought she’d be provided for. He left her high and dry.

    My ex husband and I were born one day apart. I actually used 30Hours (the actual number of hours between our births) as the legal business name for our now-defunct venture.

    My fiance is a year and a half younger than me, and it’s the healthiest relationship I have ever had.

    If you’re over 30, I think up to a 5 year gap is negligible, and it doesn’t matter who is older.

    Your partner’s observation that the man is usually older is steeped in patriarchy, but not factually wrong me I would encourage him to examine why the stereotype exists. I think it’s because the assumption that men have more power, and age might equate to power, and women are supposed to have less power, and are portrayed as more desirable when they are younger is at the heart of the whole thing.

  25. My mom was 21 when she married my 19 year old dad. I called her a cradle-robber. She didn’t reply but she did give me a small smile. 54 years this month and haven’t killed each other yet.

  26. Sounds kind of immature for 32 if he thinks that’s an issue. First World Problems called.

  30. That’s a really weird comment from your bf. Is he one of those people obsessed with what other people think of him, and afraid to do anything different? At any rate, it’s idiotic to say a couple the same age is a problem. Not much you can do if bf is an insecure spineless guy.

    Also, my parents were *three days apart* and they did just fine.

  31. Same age relationship is literally so common. I have no idea what he is talking about.

    I think this insecurity is likely a product of society’s unhealthy portrayal of older men with younger beautiful women.

  33. That’s weird shit. My husband and I are the same age and have been together for 12 years.

  34. Man here, I am older than my partner, who I love and adore, I wish we were the same age, but that isn’t how it worked out.

    The idea that men should be older is probably rooted in a little sexism going in both directions “men take longer to mature” “I deserve a young hottie”. Both are ridiculous, and shouldn’t represent how we pick our partners.

    Have a conversation with your partner, if needed, ask him why he thinks this and break it down with him. Get to the root of the idea and determine if that seed is a deal breaker or not.

  35. What? He’s 32 and he thinks this? Honestly, he sounds like kind of a loser to have dumb arbitrary beliefs like this..

  36. This is such an odd thing to notice/care about. I’m a year older than my husband and probably half the couples i know are the same, women a bit older than the men. It’s totally normal.

    I will say, i think it gets more normal with age? The “girls mature faster than boys” thing is sexist bullshit, but my experience was always that while most people actually become adults around 26-28, i noticed a SIGNIFICANT difference between men 18-25 and 26+ such that almost every man i was seriously interested when i was 18-25 were 26-28. It does make sense to me that, in college aged relationships women might aim higher because of how immature a lot of 20 year old dudes seem. But everybody is different so thinking women dating older men is a default seems a bit wild to me at any point.

  37. Red flag. He’s definitely setting a horrible tone with this. It’s indirectly implying that someone younger than him is a better suit for a relationship. His optics is very off.

  39. That’s weird and pretty gross. Why would he want someone younger just for the sake of then being younger?

    Does he express other control issues? Because this sounds like a need for control over a woman who will accept more bs

  40. This is something toxic he’s absorbed from society somehow that he really should get over. Being weirded out that he’s not older than his gf is honestly really bizarre and would also worry me a bit about his character since it seems based in some pretty misogynistic tropes.

    FWIW I’m 32F, my bf is 29M, (started dating when I was 29 and he was 26, and he doesn’t feel weird about it whatsoever because he’s secure in himself and we both are happy)

  41. I wouldn’t want to date someone who thinks that it’s weird.

    For reference, I am six days older than my boyfriend (both 35).

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