This post is going to be long-ish and english isn’t my first language so bear with me.
We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 6. I was young and insecure when we started dating and I tolerated behaviour that I would never tolerate now.
The first years of our relationship he did all kinds of things behind my back and kept lying to me when I confronted him about it, but eventually confessed. I always forgave him and he always kept repeating the same things that hurt me. He had profiles on dating apps, chatted and exchanged pictures with other women and paid for sexual content such as pictures and videos from them etc. And that was just one part of the several issues we had but it was personally the most hurtful thing for me.
I always forgave him because I thought that “well, he didn’t have sex with them so it doesn’t count as cheating I guess”. Then I realized I was allowing him to treat me like shit because I never actually held him accountable and that he was continuously crossing my boundaries and disrespecting me even if he wasn’t having sex with other women.
I started focusing on myself and idk, just kind of grew up and began to understand my own worth. We had a serious, long and honest conversation about things and I made it clear that if he is not willing to change it’s over.
And things actually changed! We have both learned to communicate better and we have both grown so much in many ways. Our relationship took a 180. Things have been pretty great between us honestly. That is until two weeks ago.
I just had this feeling that something was off so I checked his computer history -yes I know I should’ve respected his privacy – and that’s when I found out he had created a profile on this one dating site he used way back.
I felt like I was going to throw up or faint. It all came back like a tidal wave at that moment. My whole body was shaking. He told me that he didn’t even know why he created the profile, it was a momentary impulse and he swore he didn’t chat with anyone or actually use the site after creating the profile. And I honestly believe him that nothing happened but it brought back very hurtful memories and I realized that I wasn’t over it.
The thing is I want to be over it but I’m not sure how. Will I ever be able to fully trust him and forgive him? Things have been so good for many years now but as soon as I saw that he visited the site my whole body reacted so strongly.
We can’t change the past of our relationship but we have agreed to do our best in the present and future of it together so that’s what I intend to do.
On the other hand I’m thinking “Has he been lying to me all this time, maybe he never really changed and I’ve been wasting my time on this relationship”
But on the other hand I feel like he really is telling me the truth and I might be overreacting because it reminds me of his past actions.
I would really appreciate advice from people who have been in a similar kind of situation.
TL;DR! I’m having a tough time trusting my husband after a recent event brought back bad memories.
27 comments
First thing first, you are 100% enough. I’ve been in this situation and if you are anything like me you look to yourself first to be like “what am I not providing”. You might already know this but- it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. I think an important thing to ask him is why does he feel the impulse to do these things. The dating profiles and paying for content sound like he craves self-importance and validation? Perhaps he needs to work on self love and validating himself. Maybe he should try counseling? I think that would be a great way to show you that he’s invested in your relationship and cares about building trust. If you know that the why behind the infidelity is solved, perhaps you might feel more secure in the relationship.
Ask yourself, really really ask yourself, do you really believe him?
Take away what you *want* to be true and think about what is really true.
No one “just randomly” creates a dating profile.
You have to
– sign up for the site
– fill out a profile
– answer profile questions
– upload pictures
– review and complete the profile.
In short its something that you *decide to do*.
He *chose* to create the profile and then leave it up for *weeks*.
I’m not saying your marriage is based on a lie, I am saying you have a dishonest husband.
>On the other hand I’m thinking “Has he been lying to me all this time, maybe he never really changed and I’ve been wasting my time on this relationship”
You sound like you’re trying to talk yourself into not holding him accountable. You left the past in the past, but apparently, he didn’t.
He knows why he made that profile. The same old lies worked in the past, why shouldn’t they work now? He knows you’re not going anywhere.
If you are not comfortable with him sleeping with other people you need to go ahead and leave him. And if he cannot be honest enough with you about what he’s doing in the first place why are you with him? Everyone has different levels of what they will and will not accept in relationships and if you keep allowing the behavior no matter what you say your actions will tell him this is okay. And in situations like this the only way to tell him that it’s not okay is to leave
>I started focusing on myself and idk, just kind of grew up and began to understand my own worth. We had a serious, long and honest conversation about things and I made it clear that if he is not willing to change it’s over.
This doesn’t really jive with the rest of your post. He clearly hasn’t changed. It doesn’t matter if he says he didn’t chat with anyone (he did, BTW.), the simple fact that he even went to a dating site and spent the time creating a profile shows he’s still completely willing to cheat on you.
So are you going to let it slide once again? You’ve let it go so many times in the past that he feels safe doing it, because he doesn’t expect you to hold him accountable. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to hold him accountable; leave him. It’s the hardest way, but it’s the only one that works.
Making a profile on a dating site means that he’s ready to cheat.
Would you consider reading the book Why Does He Do That and maybe individual therapy for yourself?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me… how many times are you up to now?
A boundary is meaningless if there aren’t consequences for breaking them. You’ve talked, you’ve set boundaries, and he’s broken them. So what was the consequence in place if he did it again? You have to follow through.
And in terms of trusting him again, it is possible to move past it, but you can’t erase what has happened and you will always feel it to some extent. That said if you haven’t been able to forgive in years, then it is more likely that you will never be able to. It’s something that takes a lot of work and commitment from both partners to achieve. You don’t mention what you both did as a couple to rebuild trust, I assume he’s volunteered for extensive couples therapy and worked actively on that, supported you in getting help and been comfortable with things like giving you access to his accounts and passwords, and all of the normal stuff people are advised to do when they’re genuinely wanting to rebuild trust right?
I am also going to mention that when he broke your boundary recently, he still *hid it from you*. Of course you can’t trust people who are still hiding things from you. You are right to not trust people who aren’t honest. He needed to do the right thing, and once again chose not to. No wonder you’re devastated and this is all coming back up. For all that ‘things have improved’ many things haven’t changed and you’re just now realizing that.
You’ve been with him since you were 16 and got married at 18. You don’t know anything else, but there are people out there who won’t make you feel like this and who will respect you.
First of all, all that is cheating. Its just not physical. Second, of course you looked thru his history. You dont trust him and honestly if hes doing those things he doesnt respect you. You deserve someoje whos all about just you. You need to leave him.
It’s time, right? For you to stand up for what’s right for you? Be strong and move on. He’s cheating or preparing to.
It took you a few minutes to find this. What would you find if you actually did some digging?
If you stay with him, you are resigning yourself to a life of being cheated on by a man who doesn’t care about you.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
Don’t stay with someone for their potential, make decisions based *on who they are right now*.
I haven’t been in the same situation but I am married. I think you need to move on and find someone who’s looking for the same kind of commitment you are. To create a dating profile when you’re married is a **big fucking deal.** Paired with his past behavior, I just would not be able to trust him anymore.
It’s also kind of hard to create AND KEEP a dating profile on “momentary impulse.” There’s quite a few steps between thinking about googling a dating site, finishing your profile, and walking away from your computer with out reversing what one did. He had many opportunities to stop and step back. His story doesn’t add up.
That said, it’s not proof he’s been lying to you this whole time. It’s possible he really did clean up his ways. For a while. But then he got comfortable. Or bored. And went back down the rabbit hole.
Long story short, being a faithful partner long-term is not something you can count on him for. And remember, this happened while things were going pretty great by your estimation. If he’d do this when things are going good, what would he do when you guys go through a legit rough patch?
Just no.
I could have wrote this myself. I have been in this exact place more times than makes sense. I suggest therapy before deciding to walk or stay. For both of you separately, or together or both. Best of luck. I know how much this sucks. It will pass.
Y’all be so desperate to be married you let a man dog walk you like nobody’s business. What kind of advice are you looking for that you don’t already know?
I mean if I found out my husband made a dating profile without a history of cheating on me (and I do think sexting is cheating), I’d still be pissed and it might end the marriage. With that history? He knew what he was doing and he knew what it would mean to you if you found it. He just thought the chance of finding new sexting partners was worth it.
Why would he change his behaviour when he’s facing no consequences for his shitty behaviour?
It sounds like there is something underlying that is causing him to continue to do this stuff even when you’re together. It could be that he is seeking validation, that he has some sort of compulsion or sex disorder. But whatever it is, until he addresses it and figures it out the likelihood that he will just stop and never do it again is fairly low. “I don’t know why I did it” isn’t good enough. He needs to go to therapy and figure it out to show he’s serious about both making up for the past and being better in the future.
You said you want it to be over, so move forward.
Been in this situation a few times. He’s going to keep doing it. If things seem to be getting better, he’s probably just getting better at hiding it. I’m really sorry. Faithful men are rare and I have very little trust in people now.
I know you don’t want to read this and I’m sorry this sounds harsh but he’s not going to change. Ask yourself why he would create a dating profile when he has a partner already. Genuinely ask yourself why and without his response in your head. How and what are you truly feeling? You deserve so much better than this and he has been doing this for a while he’s just upset now that he got caught. Please leave him.
I guess, why forgive him? He’s shown you repeatedly that he will keep doing these things. He impulsively made a profile but couldn’t impulsively delete it?
How many more times does he need to break your trust for you to believe that he is showing you who he really is? Words are cheap and his actions speak volumes
I mean he made an online account. Its not a strange thing. Do not jeopardize a good relationship for a digital act.
In fact looking at his browser history is a worse violation on your part. He trusts you enough to not frame your act as evil. You should trust him enough to do the same.
I’m not saying you should “forgive” him, remember the incident, and keep it in mind.
Just dont forfeit the relationship. If making an online account is grounds for you to leave him, it was not strong relationship in the first place from your end.
There are other men in the world. Why do you keep looping back for this one trashy man?
This is why teenagers have no business getting married. Stop being his doormat, wake up, and file for divorce. He’s a lying cheating asshole.
Leave him , no matter what he won’t change his ways. You also won’t feel any better in the long run simply because you’ll never be able to trust him the same no matter how much you try to convince yourself. It’s beneficial for yourself to leave it behind I know it’s complicated to leave the one you think is your soulmate but in all honesty it’s probably more harmful just sticking around and having hope he will change.
Stop forgiving him . You arent’t overreacting : you are underreacting OP. You try to convince yourself there s a possibility he would change some day but he won’t , he will keep hurting you over and over despite your boundaries because he knows you will forgive him at the end. You enable him .You deserve better . You might think it isnt cheating but he broke your trust .Plan your exit ( money, place to live etc..) and when you feel ready leave him ( or better : make him leave ) : again YOU DESERVE BETTER !