Just a quick bit of background on myself and my girlfriend. We have been together almost three years and bought a house together at the start of this year.
Me (26m) and my girlfriend (24f) are currently on holiday and I was using her phone to watch Netflix when she got added to a WhatsApp group by her ex’s family which made a little suspicious. I know what I did following this was wrong but I then went through her phone and found a conversation between her and her ex over a year into our relationship. The conversation was long and very flirty, in which she belittled me to him saying I wasn’t as tall or as muscular as he is. They told each other how much they missed each other and that they couldn’t wait to have a big hug. They then agreed to meet up and there were no more texts following her saying “I’m here”. She insists nothing happens. She also has hundreds of old photos of them saved in her phones hidden folder, including all of his nudes.
After I showed her the text she was apologising and crying for a while. Cut forward a few hours she admits she’s still not over him and she compares me to him and things he does better. I asked her if she wants to be with him and she said she does but immediately took it back and said she only wants to be with me.
I have no idea what to think or how to proceed, I’m just thinking to myself why get so serious with me, buying a house etc whilst she still feels this way about someone else. I love her but I feel like I don’t even recognise her right now. She has been so good to me during our relationship but this is a huge bombshell. As I mentioned we are currently on holiday stuck in a room together, but I’m at a loss at what to do. How should I respond?
tl;dr: my girlfriend was texting her ex a year into our relationship which I found out today (3 years in + we have a house together). She admits she isn’t over him and said she wants to be with him but quickly retracted that statement and said she wants to be with me.
6 comments
Time to nope out. Won’t be easy or quick, but you’re 2nd fiddle. Don’t be 2nd fiddle.
Ugh. I’m sorry. I’ve been through something similar. You deserve better and shouldn’t be someone’s 2nd choice. I would 1000% end this relationship.
It’s a really tough situation. I recently found out that my boyfriend did something similar, he was texting his ex a little over a year in for a while and we’ve been together for 3 years and live together.
We had a talk about our relationship and I forgave him but I still don’t trust him, and you shouldn’t trust her either.
The difference is too, if she’s admitting that she’s still not over him that is a really big red flag. She should be focused on you and apologetic and wanting to change and move forward.
I would tell her the following things: delete all the photos (def the nudes) of him, cut off contact with him, and she should work to build trust back.
If she can’t do those three things, then it’s a lost cause. Which is horrible and sucks and having a house together really puts things in jeopardy, but tell yourself it could be worse.
You don’t wanna get married or have kids with a person who will treat you as their #2 after living together and being with each other for three years.
OP, this is tough and I feel for you. On the one hand, you feel like you’re “stuck” because you’ve invested 3 years in this relationship and you’ve bought a house together. That makes leaving seem near impossible. But I want you to think about these questions. How will you feel when you’re away on a business trip and you call/text and there is no response? Will your mind immediately go to “she’s with her ex.” Will you constantly look at yourself in the mirror and see someone your girlfriend thinks is too short or not muscular enough, rather than than a great guy with lots of desirable qualities? Can you trust her – truly trust her? By that I mean can you share a deep insecurity or problem in your life, or will you worry that she’s texting her ex about another shortcoming? If the answer to any of these is yes, you have to leave her. You’re a very young man. I’m old enough to be your father. And I’m fortunate enough to have been married for 30 years to someone who thinks I rock. And I think I won the marriage lottery. That’s what you want – someone who feels fortunate to be with you. You don’t want to be #2. You’re a pup with a long life ahead of you. Break up, sell the house, and move on. The pain from all that will be over in a matter of months. The pain of staying in this relationship could last a lifetime.
Thank you everyone for your advice, I appreciate it greatly
Time to take a break. Your GF is not emotionally available.