I’m 28F, and I’ve recently stopped dating a guy (27M) where we acted like BF and GF without the title (because we wanted to see where it would go at our own pace). We were dating for a few months. He was very sweet and treated me well in just about every way – but he had terrible communication skills (due to a mental health condition that I’d rather not disclose) that left me feeling ignored and insecure. We tried to compromise because his condition wasn’t his fault and come up with solutions, but they didn’t work.
And despite holding out for a while, I knew I made the right call in letting him go. I need someone who can meet me half-way and not have a potential one-sided relationship. I’ve accepted what happened – where we both succeeded and failed in this. And I’m planning to take some time off before dating again to feel better mentally.
I’m making good progress by focusing on other areas in my life, but every night my mind drifts back to him before I try to fall asleep. Without those everyday distractions, there’s nothing else occupying my mind. My thoughts range from feeling nostalgic and missing him to being angry at the situation.
I know processing these emotions is normal. But I also have PTSD – so my mind plays the same memories several times over. I went through this cycle once before with a best friend I liked that didn’t return the feelings. And I’m sick of it. I don’t need this to happen again.
It hurts more this time because the guy I was seeing actually had feelings for me, but it didn’t work out. So this is my first heartache with someone who was genuinely interested in me and vice versa. I know that there is someone out there for me – that it’s not him – so that helps.
I just don’t know how to stop thinking about him late at night. So are there any ideas or tricks to help me get through this?
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>I also have PTSD – so my mind plays the same memories several times over.
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>I just don’t know how to stop thinking about him
Thought erasure:
**for ‘unwanted thoughts’**:
There’s a slow but sure way of erasing those thoughts. I taught it to myself after reading up on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
They’re there and **have become entrenched through repetition** which over time, will tend to worsen (greater frequency, stronger). The reverse though can be done consciously to squelch them and (eventually) fade them away completely.
Very simply put, you need to adopt an attitude of suppressing them the instant you recognize each and every one of these nasty thoughts starting to run through your brain. When you get to the point where you’re managing to stop that sentence or phrase at the very first word or two, you’ve made excellent progress.
Keep at it, and they just won’t even be managing that (but, you still need to not let them return and run free). Eventually even that residue won’t exist and you’re zero involvement (I suspect though, that our subconscious continues to deal with them).
**example:**
Let’s say you have and can readily recognize an undesireable intrusive recurring “dark / negative thought”, such as “**I’m going to be abandoned all because my fwb is staying at her other fwbs for a few days**.” (likely not that one in practice as that’s a transitory circumstance, but it’ll do for demonstration purposes)
The instant you’re aware of that thought starting up, “**I’m going to be abandoned all because…..STOPPED**” you DO NOT let the thought complete, you use your recognizing it as your cue to IMMEDIATELY stop that thought and do not allow it to progress to completion.
This, weakens the thought’s: (a) Intensity, (b) Frequency, and, (c) through such practice you become more skilled at recognizing those thoughts sooner, and, become more effective at dealing with them earlier and earlier until you’re literally stopping it before one word gets out (you will come to recognize the impulse behind the thought). So even this partial early success, is useful on many levels as the preliminary step,
I’m going through the same thing like you OP. It’s been 1 days but I’ve already feel you. I don’t have advise and is searching for it. I’m glad you posted this. Good luck to you!