TLDR; My boyfriend of 3 years decided to take his religion more seriously, we split cuz his religion is strict. Got back together bc I adopted the religion. Didn’t last long and I left it. We are still a couple but things don’t feel the same. I feel like I lost the guy I used to know and thinking maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore
So my (f25) boyfriend (m26) and I have been together for 3 years. About a year ago, we split up because he wanted to take his religion more seriously. We didn’t split for long as we missed each other so we got back together, but he kinda gave me an ultimatum.. he said the relationship basically couldn’t go forward unless I adopt his religion.. so I did and I became Muslim. I thought it was a good idea. I wanted the relationship to work. I only lasted for 6 months and couldn’t take it anymore after learning about the religion. I told him this and said we should break up, but he didn’t want to do that and said I could just leave the religion and believe what I wanna believe. But for me the relationship just hasn’t been the same since. Now he is taking his religion so seriously like following the prophet by growing out his beard and never cutting his hair etc and I just feel like I lost the guy I once knew. I also feel some sense of resentment towards him. I really am happy for him for being true to himself and becoming closer with his faith. but I feel like maybe we’re just not compatible anymore…
Please any advice
22 comments
You’re not compatible. You are correct, the person you used to know is gone. I’m glad you have recognized it and I hope you can find a better suited companion
Obviously, you aren’t compatible.
He’s basically forcing you to adopt a religion and lifestyle that you’re not compatible with.
He doesn’t care about you – as an individual. He cares about you conforming to his beliefs.
In his mind, his beliefs are more valid than yours. Meaning, he thinks he is more important than you.
You wanted to break up. You still want to break up. Sounds like you should break up.
It sounds like an incompatibility. Adopting a faith is more than just going through the motions and practices, but that the “why” behind it is an unshakable truth that you rely on. But if you learn about it and don’t believe it… well, you aren’t really part of the faith.
The key is whether or not the practices he’s going to engage in conflict with how you live your lives together. If his practices cause you to be treated in ways you find unacceptable, it will be time to move on.
Just leave he’ll flip flop. Been there too.
I’m sorry but you are correct. You are not compatible unless you are willing to convert.
Frankly he probably shouldn’t be dating at all. I don’t know about Islam but sex outside of marriage is a big no for many religions.
Off topic, Im laughing a little at the “couldnt take it anymore” after 6 months. That being said I dont think this could work longterm like what if you want children? He would probably like for his kids to be raised religious. Its normal for people to change in a relationship l dont think he was forcing you to change urself for him but that you two are on a different page now, you tried a last attempt to make it work..it didnt. Now you have to decide from there if you should go.
When I was in my twenties, I converted to my fiance’s religion. The religion was humane, philosophically sophisticated, and had a fascinating history, and it was easy to persuade myself that this was what I wanted. After the conversion, though, I felt that fiance’s family were still constantly assessing me as to whether I was measuring up; I was not accepted as really belonging. It was suggested that there would need to be different rules for when our hypothetical future children visited my mother, in case she encouraged things not allowed by the religion. My mom is wonderful and I am her only child; the idea of needing to introduce this distance made me sad. Although I did not believe in my original religion’s ideas, I still had an emotional tie to its rituals. In retrospect, I wish I had questioned why I was the one needing to change myself, without an effort being made to meet me halfway. Why was I not good enough? Why didn’t he need to make any changes in his own lifestyle? If I were you, I’d take some time to think about who you really are, what principles and values are important to you, and ask why *he* isn’t open to change for you.
Please don’t breed with him. Find someone more progressive and supportive of the rights of women. If you have choice, exercise it wisely.
Any time someone gives you an ultimatum about conversion, that is a sign to run in the other direction. Coming to a new faith should always be of your own free will.
In my early twenties I was dating a Muslim Iraqi who suddenly started getting very strict in his beliefs and actions. It did not work out because that was not my religion or culture and I did not want to be part of it. Unfortunately your lives are just moving in different directions and that’s part of life.
Are you even spiritual at all? You should never come to a religion for a man. You should come because you feel God called you.
You should not be this desperate to keep this man. You did not even know what the religion entailed but claimed it anyway. This is bad on so many levels.
My husband is Muslim and I’m Catholic. 6 years married, and no one is adopting anyones religion. What we actually do is celebrate everybody’s holidays and respect each other‘s practices. Making someone your religion is a red flag to me. I would not feel the same after that. You convert because you genuinely want to or you don’t. I probably would say that you should end this. I really don’t like saying that people should end their relationship. But it doesn’t sound like there was any acceptance and that’s a huge key factor. Inter-religious relationships can work but people do have to be open for that, rather than forceful. And I’m sure this is a hard time for you so I do not mean to be ugly at all. I wish the best for both of you.
You don’t need permission or consensus for a breakup.
If he’s not cutting his hair or shaving his beard to be like “a prophet” he has mental health issues. Point blank.
I was in almost this exact situation. We broke up. It hurt for awhile of course but now I’m very happy with someone who I’m compatible with. Best of luck, it’s a shifty situation to be in
You should never have to change who you are, what you believe, or how you look for anyone but yourself. Boyfriend? Husband? Hell no. Sibling? Parent? Nope nope nope. Even old grandma whose dying wish is for you to be who you’re not, for example? Uhhh… no.
There is only one of you in this world and there will never be another. You know better than anyone else what you need to be happy and fulfilled, who you need to feel loved and accepted. Based on your words I think you already know what you want and what you deserve. I get the feeling that you know you two are incompatible and that staying together might not be the best option for you.
It sucks. It really, really sucks. Everyone is constantly changing and evolving as people and often they grow together. Sometimes someone you love can grow in a way that you don’t, or can’t, but that’s okay because you’re growing too. Did you feel this strongly about your identity 5 years ago? Would you have been as willing to question a relationship in which you were unhappy? It’s so empowering to recognize your worth and decide that you deserve to be loved and feel appreciated.
Based on your post, I don’t think your relationship has a good chance of success long term but I think there is a small silver lining. He may meet someone who is more willing to lead a similarly religious life and adhere to its rules, but you will thrive. You will meet someone who not only accepts you for you and loves you and your flaws, but who loves you BECAUSE of your flaws and who can’t imagine you being anyone but yourself. Love is hard and it’s work, but it shouldn’t make you compromise yourself and it shouldn’t hurt.
Be strong, no matter what you choose.
You guys grew apart. He’s on a path that you can’t follow and at the end of which he will be a person you no longer recognize. Hopefully it will bring him peace and happiness. Meanwhile you need to do what brings you peace and happiness. Find you path and don’t let his decisions alter your course. Perhaps at the end of it all you can meet as friends, but your days as a couple are over.
This is a classic stance of compromise and compatibility issues.
Firstly, he’s a bad person to give you an ultimatum. You aren’t supposed to be forced into the faith, it’s your choice and yours alone. That in itself is a red flag but not uncommon. I’m Muslim and I date non Muslims and I would never imagine forcing them into it. It could very well be peer pressure from family/His dad. Either way, you need to consider all the other stuff like if you were to have kids, would you be okay with them being Muslim etc?
Either way, I hope it works out but I don’t think it will just by this post alone. Good luck OP.
Get out while you can. If an ex lover told you they were hearing voices, you’d get them psychiatric help. Don’t enable this insanity or allow it into your life any further.
Islam is a religion that when people start taking it more seriously they stray further and further from mainstream values. If not sharing the religion with him now is a problem, if he takes it more seriously it will soon become a problem.
My current partner use to be Muslim and left (before we got together). He was very serious about his religion at the time. Techincally it is legal for a Muslim man to date a non-religious women (but not the other way around). But I think the way my husband would phrase it would be something alongt he lines of the religion is very strict and it is extremely hard to make a relationship like that work.
You are not compatible anymore, please leave him. This is a huge value difference and can not be resolved.
You’re not happy, you lost the old him and still want that. It’s changed and would just be better if the relationship ended.