I am using a throwaway account for this post, for obvious reasons.
I am 31, and in a relationship with a woman (28) who is a decent person, but we are really just incompatible in many ways – so much so that I am finding it very difficult to continue further. There’s nothing bad or wrong about her, it’s just that we are not compatible – we grate on each other’s nerves, just don’t mesh, etc. The idea of marrying her fills me with dread.
The problem is that I made the mistake of confiding some very illegal, serious stuff (that could have dire consequences) to her. (Obviously, I’m not going to reveal what it was.) And if I were to break up with her, there’s a real risk that she might report me.
What do I do?
TL;DR; I want to end the relationship, but girlfriend could get me in serious trouble if I leave.
5 comments
Is it illegal what you did?
Otherwise blackmail is blackmail and she would get in serious trouble.
has She actually threatened to do this?
This is not enough information to give you any real advice.
But seriously, what kind of life is it to stay with someone you don’t want to be with? What kind of secret is worth throwing the rest of your life away?
Furthermore, if she has no proof of anything it’s just embarrassing hearsay.
If you think she actually would do something with whatever information you told her, then you’d have to consider getting out in front of whatever it is. You have to defuse the bomb to render it useless. (Or at least appear to have defused it.) You could play a longer game where you tell her that your terrible secret has been revealed to {someone important}, and they understood/agreed to help you/only “X” consequence happened. Then a month or so later, end it.
But if she’s a “decent” person, she’s probably not going to retaliate to that extent. And if the incompatibilities are also obvious to her, she may not react that badly to a break-up. Incompatibilities which you could continue to emphasize in hopes that she’d pull the plug of her own accord.
I’ve dropped people when they weren’t right to me and I didn’t care what bad stuff they knew about me to tell people — I also couldn’t care less who believed the bad stuff because I only have a small circle of friends, anyway. I’m not going to keep someone around just because they have information on me. I tell people everything, anyway myself before they find out from someone else who it had nothing to do with so they aren’t surprised.
If you can, I would just leave. Staying because she might blackmail you wouldn’t be a good reason to just keep someone around. If she tries to get you into trouble she could get herself into trouble for assisting on whatever it is.