Hey.
It’s fair to say there has been times where the relationship (4 years) has been quite unhealthy from my girlfriend’s side (controlling behaviour etc.) but that seems to have subsided mostly. Even though it doesn’t seem as bad, I still live like I did when the relationship was unhealthy, for example turning down doing things with my friends in case of my girlfriend’s reaction.
My dad has booked to go abroad with myself and my sister. In the past my girlfriend has had major issues with my sister and family in general. I feel torn on what to do – I feel like I should be able to go away with my family still regardless of being in a relationship. I am also scared to tell my girlfriend because of how she will react. It’s ruining the situation for me but I don’t know if I’m being selfish.
How can I approach the subject with her?
**tldr: My dad has booked to go away with myself and my sister. My girlfriend in the past has had major issues with my family. I’m afraid to tell her because of this – how should I proceed?**
9 comments
Good, healthy relationships categorically don’t include being afraid of your partners reaction to normal things, like plans with friends or vacations. This is such a big red flag.
There is nothing healthy in a relationship where someone is turning down normal social activities because they are afraid of their partner’s reaction.
Please see your girlfriend as the abuser she is.
Of course you should be able to go abroad with your father and sister. It’s not like you will be going to wild s*x parties with your family…
If she turns it into an argument – that’s a fight you need to have. (Rather than backing down and not going)
A relationship should enhance your life. Not make you feel like you are in jail.
See a therapist for your codependency.
You’re not being selfish in the least. If she’s so insecure that she can’t handle you spending time with your family, then throw her back into the dating pool.
If you are that afraid to talk to her honestly then go on a break
First step is to admit to yourself that you are not in a healthy relationship. You are under the strict control of your partner. You are afraid to go on a family vacation. This is very sad. Tell her sooner rather than later, be gentle but firm. You deserve to go on a trip with your family.
Why the hell would you want to be with this girl. Go on the trip and tell her to fuck off.
There’s no way you can approach this in that won’t have a negative reaction from her. Because you doing normal things is not okay in her book. You can’t provide a logical argument to her because her reactions stem from irrational feelings and desires.
I think you dumping her right before you go and then blocking her so she can’t reach you on this trip might just be the best way to get a clean break. She sounds like a stage 5 clinger and the abusive cycle you’ve been in with her for years isn’t going to change. You just stopped doing anything that might get a reaction out of her, which is not living or healthy. It’s just avoiding the problem.
You don’t need to get her to agree to a breakup or give you permission. You shouldn’t give her room to argue with you or try to change your mind. Just rip off the bandaid and bounce. The rules for polite breakups go out the window when abuse is involved. Honestly, if it’s easier for you to dump her over the phone then block her, so be it. In fact it would be best if you didn’t tell her you were going on this trip. Just focus on having a good time with your fam and how good it feels to have your freedom back.
It’s unfortunate but this relationship isn’t the type you can cleanly separate from on amicable terms. I think you need to come to peace with that. If you need support from family on seeing this through, ask for it. They can help you.
It has gotten better, or have you made your self less in order to stay under the radar of her anger?