We have been together 7 years. Civilly married recently (at the registry in the UK). The wedding is in 3 weeks today. After an argument about no affection I pushed for an answer. He said stop talking to me I don’t want to hurt you. I kept asking and he said ever since I became skinny he just can’t help but not feel attracted. He said he loves me deeply he loves me beyond attraction and loves me for me but he doesn’t get the urges
I fell skinny after repeated infections and covid the past year I have lost one stone or more . I already hate myself and wanted to cancel the wedding. I’m a stone away from anorexia, the doctors are putting it down to stress.
Oh it’s my birthday too. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed for what I already knew and felt.
31 comments
Don’t get married.
First, happy birthday. Second, marriage is for better or for worse, you’ve just experienced what sounds like a fairly serious illness. Maybe I’m being optimistic but I suspect what could be at play is that he witnessed what Covid did to you (physically) and seeing you still in a skinner place reminds him of all the pain you went through.
Regardless this is something he needs to deal with – it’s for better or worse and cutting off affection because you aren’t in **his** ideal physical state seems controlling to me.
Attraction is important, as is physical affection. We all change throughout our lives, but that shouldn’t stop the physical affection – that’s an important factor in a marriage.
This needs to be fixed/dealt with prior to getting married (although I’m a bit confused on your legal situation to be honest).
Don’t get married. You’re actually in a position to stop and reevaluate your life with this person before committing….I wouldn’t do it.
Define what you mean by affection? Like he ignores you, no hugs, no comforting, etc? Or he can’t get sexually aroused? We as humans are not attracted to all body types. This would be a bit different if you gained a lot of weight due to laziness and had a personality and activity attitude change, but this is due to a medical condition. I understand he may not be sexually aroused, he may have also subconsciously gone into protective mode and not lustful, which is OK.. but to not be affectionate – like no comfort, no hugs, nothing like that? That’s cruel and I wouldn’t continue.
Don’t postpone the wedding. Cancel it. Do not marry this man. His attraction to you was only ever superficial. If he’s not into you now, think of how his fickle ass is going to feel about you when you are sixty and look like me. This is not the man to tie yourself to for a lifetime. Good luck.
Don’t marry him. If he’s not attracted to you now then I doubt that will change significantly after getting married.
You soon to be is certainly not helping your situation with his nonsense. Call off the wedding and look after yourself.
My first question would be does he watch porn daily? My husband was hiding his porn use from me our entire 22 year relationship. We recently were having issues and he was saying he was no longer attracted to me. I took that information as we lost our connection since we both work and have young kids. When I was researching some common issues marriages have on a therapist website, I came across an article about porn addiction. Our marriage hit all but one bullet point. This new information made me start asking him straight forward questions that he refused to answer. I told him I wanted to see his electronics and he refused. He was watching porn daily while I was sleeping or out of the house. He knew how I felt about it. He was even on local prostitute/ escort sites once I got in his computer. I have to admit I figured out his password and checked his internet history. Excessive porn use changes your brain chemistry. You actually get a drug like dopamine reaction from it. We are both in individual therapy with our own Certified Sex Addiction Trained therapist (CSAT) It has been making such a difference in my marriage.
Happy Birthday!
Sorry to hear that this has happened to you.
My opinion is to **not** get married. This is not a good start, and even though the situation is crappy, at least you know this info **before** you got married. He should be more supportive with your situation and not put you down.
“to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, **in sickness and in health**, to love and to cherish, till death do us part”
Eventually you might start to resent each other, end up in divorce, or live like room-mates.
I wish you the best of luck in your decision. I know it might be a tough call, but its better than paying for a wedding, going through emotional/verbal abuse, ending in divorce etc etc .. lots of time and money wasted.
Guy is cold. Do not marry.
So if you put on the weight again and healed from covid would the physical attraction would come back? Is that doable? Would it be worth it to you?
Because you’re too skinny he doesn’t show affection? One thing is not to be sexually attracted because of your weight, but you said you talked to him about the lack of affection. My husband stopped having sex with me on the honeymoon and soon after the bodyshaming started, he has a porn addiction and put the blame on me because according to him I’m too skinny which is not even true, I’m thin and fit but I don’t look bad or sick at all, he is the only person who has made this comment about my body. I’m in a complete sexless marriage, I have gone through emotional abuse and bodyshaming, and now we’re separated and I’m seriously thinking about divorce, I don’t wish this on anyone.
The fact that he doesn’t show affection is a red flag for me, so knowing what I know now, I would call off the wedding
Don’t get married. Please date someone who isnt going to waste your whole life with marriage that he doesn’t want to be in.
If you don’t take our advice and come back in 5 years asking what you should do because he’s being a piece of shit I’m just going to link you the comments in this post.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would seriously reconsider the marriage if I were you.
Do not get married! No marriage should start off that way. He should love you no matter what. My husband was attracted to me when I was 360lbs at our wedding and is still attracted to me 16 years later at 150lbs. You deserve better.
I agree with everyone don’t marry him you deserve someone that would love you and treat you way better
Don’t do it…The money you will lose in wedding deposits is way cheaper and emotionally buch better than divorce.
Cancel the wedding and get away from him. You won’t be happy with him with this in your head. Pull th3 plug now instead of wasting more time with someone who would treat you this way.
You’re going to get old, gain weight, lose weight, get wrinkles, be sick, maybe pregnant…
This person will only show you affection if you stay the way you looked when you first hooked up. It’s not going to happen, because life happens.
I’d recommend having a very serious conversation with him, maybe an emergency couples counselling appointment, and seriously think if this is what you want.
Do not marry him. You will destroy your self esteem and eventually he will cheat with someone he is attracted to. Continue on your weight journey, get healthy. This man is a friend not a husband
Glad he told you before the wedding so now you don’t have to be stuck with someone who doesn’t actually care about you, just your body. No matter what happens to me- lose weight, gain weight, cut or dye my hair, pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding- my husband has always told me I’m beautiful and he is always attracted to me. Even when my hair is short and red which he doesn’t like, he isn’t like repulsed by me or anything…
Ya call it off
Happy birthday.
Easier to fix this now and cancel the wedding. You’ll be worse off if you proceed. I know this hurts, but a better future awaits without him
Cancel the wedding, don’t show up to marry a disrespectful man like that. Firstly affection has nothing to do with attraction. It has everything to do with love. Him saying he “loves” you is a LIE and nothing else. His statement is basically saying that his so called love is conditional and changing with the shape of your body. If you are not in the position to cancel, let the money go, don’t show up to marry a man like that. God you deserve so much better. You deserve the world. Sending big hugs your way.
Happy birthday!
It’s awful that this is happening to you. Your partner should be accepting of the fact that this weight loss wasn’t your choice, but due to illness. That’s the commitment right? In sickness and in health. He should be supporting you as you heal, not piling on by telling you he’s not attracted to you and denying you affection.
My ex went through this when we were together. Was 6’5″ and around 300lbs. Got really sick and dropped to 140lbs in a few months. It was awful. He felt terrible and was incredibly self-conscious of the loose skin and bones sticking out everywhere. But I stayed with him and helped him get healthy again. I gave him all the same affection and more, because he needed it and I still loved the person he was, regardless of his body type.
That’s what your partner should be doing. I’d recommend sitting him down and having an open and honest conversation about how you’re feeling about this. Hopefully he can understand and work with you to get healthy again, rather than tearing you down and making you feel worse. He needs to really understand and internalize the commitment he’s made to you and your relationship. Have you considered counselling to work through this together?
Run. 10 years married and I have fluctuated +- 30 pounds and my husband has never criticized me once. That is the love you want.
Is there an *Ask Married Men* sub? Folks here wont bring you any insight.
Men and women love differently. You want the man who wants you as a partner and as a person no matter how you look. That’s the guy who will love you when you’re old and grey. The other type of guys leave their wives for secretaries.
Please please donot donot donot donot get married.
You had (have?) a serious illness and he’s making it about what makes his dick hard? Ugh that’s not marriage material. That’s something you could find at any bar and at least you won’t have to wash their socks afterward.
Physical attributes will keep on changing in every stage of life. He didn’t look like he was attracted to you but your physical qualities. Don’t worry he wasn’t the right person for you because when looks changed he lost attraction. Lucky, you got to this before the wedding. If it was after the wedding it would have been so bad. Things will get better. Good luck…