I (31F) have been seeing a guy (30M) for about 8 weeks – we both talked about how we weren’t too sure about future plans (city/career changes, varying degrees of commitmentphobia on both sides) and we hit it off pretty great. We could only meet a few times because of scheduling issues but each time was a pretty positive interaction and chemistry – but it’s all casual/FWB. Slowly we are texting everyday – a lot – to the point, I felt like I was getting to know him pretty well – like we were becoming FWB with more friendship than I expected. However, in the last 2 weeks, things seemed pretty cold and after trying to schedule a meeting couple of times, I kind of took it to mean that he wasn’t interested in seeing me anymore. So, and here’s where I think I made a mistake – I directly told him that I felt things were a little cold and it seemed to me we won’t be meeting again? And I also kind of wished him luck for his next dates or whatever. He said he agreed it’s been difficult to schedule etc. and he said he really enjoyed meeting me and wished me luck too.
Now since I actually really like him and realize a little later that I want him in my life even if things could take a little while to get anywhere – I text him a few days later that I missed him. He said he missed me too (can’t tell if he was just being polite or actually meant it). So, I asked him if he’d like to meet again. And I haven’t heard back since. The question is should I take this to mean he isn’t interested in meeting me or that he’s mad at me for my inconsistent behavior and may feel that I’m toying with his feelings (although he never said he had any)? In which case I would absolutely like to apologize.
The only reason I’m asking this is that I feel like, at any time, I did not get a chance to explain myself or even ask how he felt. I wanted to do it in person, and not via text – so I didn’t mention that to keep the conversation light.
TL;DR: 31F got into a casual thing with 30M, both interested, but kind of fell apart. Want to try talking again – but not sure how. Any advice/insight is welcome.
25 comments
This is going to sound kinda corny and cliche and all…BUT….if someone is TRULY into someone else THEY WILL FIND A WAY TO BE WITH THAT PERSON. Maybe you caught feelings more than he did. It happens. And it sucks. BUT…if you’re a priority to him, he’ll find a way to see you. You could try calling him and at least try discussing how you feel with a voice call instead of a text (I get why you don’t feel like trying to express all this via text).
Yeah you’ve made a mistake. Try not to assume people aren’t interested and cut things off. It’s better to ask them if they are interested or give them the benefit of the doubt.
Also your follow up texts sounded like you were toying with him.
I think overall he wasn’t that interested in you in the first place. Someone interested would have said “it was just hard to schedule, I’d still like to see you!” On the other hand at his age he may be tired of gameplaying and went with your decision.
Lets say he is interested. He seems flaky anyway, so things don’t seem like they will work out anyway.
In any case, best to see if he responds. If he doesn’t, let it go. You could have apologized early on instead of being vague, but any additional texts at this point wouldnt look good for you.
I think you made a mistake – I have a general rule that if someone has ended things with me once, that’s it. Obviously I can break that rule in unique circumstances, but just missing them isn’t enough. I did a lot of breaking up and getting back together in my 20s, and it’s really tough to come back from a breakup, especially really early on in dating. A lot of trust to rebuild without the strong basis of a long-term relationship. If I were him, I wouldn’t start seeing you again. It’s a bummer, but a good lesson to learn from!
This much angst over a FWB? Are you sure that’s really the kind of relationship you want? With a FWB it’s love it and leave it. It’s casual. No strings attached. It shouldn’t be causing you this degree of turmoil.
That you suddenly missed him and contacted him again makes me wonder if you want more than just FWB. You said yourself you hit it off really well. There are practical issues but neither of you really seem to have the emotional boundaries in place that makes a FWB relationship work.
I think you need to think this over. What do you want? What can you realistically maintain in terms of emotional boundaries? Does any of this match up to reality with all the issues that made you back off before? Then lay your cards on the table with him or, alternatively, end things and lose his number. Uncertainty just prolongs the agony for the both of you.
I think that you need to look inwards and explore why you felt the need that you had to “win” the breakup. Why you lashed out.
I’m amused by the fact that you wanted a FWB without thinking someone is either gonna catch feelings or check out(usually women catch feelings and men check out). Then you saw things getting cold and decided to end it, and he left you alone. You seem insecure. Pretty much you reap what you sow. Probably it was a rebound from your side. Anyway, he did the right thing to leave you alone.
My cat used to love chasing rabbits (it’s relevant). She’d chase a rabbit from our back porch to the other side of the North 40, loving it the while time. The minute the rabbit turned around and looked at her, she’d like freak out, and stand stock still. If the rabbit came toward her, she’d run away.
That’s no way to catch a rabbit. It’s just a fun game to play. And it’s safe. She can chase the rabbit forever, and never have to wonder…if she catches it, will there ever be another one? If she scares it too much, will it never come back?
Maybe you like the guy, a lot. But maybe you’re like my cat, and only like chasing things while they’re running away.
Why are you still texting? It’s a poor form of communication. Just get on the phone and discuss your feelings.
I think that you it’s hard to seperate sex and feelings at a certain point if you like someone. And maybe you did mess up. If he’s into it he will text you. If not, block him and move on. There’s plenty of ways that things can not work out too.
You’re hot and you’re cold you’re yes and you’re no you’re in and you’re out you’re up and you’re down
He’s probably not responding because he doesn’t want to play games. You said this was all casual/FWB but then you got upset he was being cold, called it off then said you miss him. Like that’s too much drama and back and forth.
You tried forcing him into a corner in order to get him to prioritize you more and it backfired. It may have been unintentional, but it is what you did.
I don’t think you should try again with this guy, but I have a feeling you will anyway. If you do, you need to do things on his schedule and there is zero guarantee that he will ever make you a priority. He may have good reasons for this, he may have bad reasons for this, but the reasons don’t need to be logical to you in order to be meaningful to him (this is something you’re going to need to keep in mind in the future, it may have not come up yet considering you barely know this guy.)
Before you contact him again, do a little self reflection: ask yourself if you often find yourself wanting things more the more difficult they are to get. This is all the more important if you regularly have a hand in increasing that difficulty for whatever reason. If you have a tendency to be a contrary person, you’re not going to find peace until you work on that aspect of your personality.
Even if this situation you have put yourself in has nothing to do with contrarianism, it doesn’t have great odds for success. If you want a relationship, find somebody who wants the same. Two people with commitment-phobia is a recipe for turmoil even before adding a toxic make up/break up cycle.
What we want is not always the best thing for us, ya know? Good luck to you.
I was in this situation. Called her back 2 weeks after breaking up and started dating again. We’re still together almost 6 years.
Maybe try and go for it OP.
You telling him things felt cold wasn’t a mistake, it was the right thing to do.
If he was interested he would have tried his best to show you that he actually is interested. He didn’t, too show you that he’s no longer interested
You didn’t do anything wrong or need to go back and re do anything, he’s just not feeling it anymore for whatever reason.
It sucks but that’s what it’s looking like
Never assume. His response could take longer than the time he has at the moment. Just wait and after a reasonable amount of time text again.
> So, and here’s where I think I made a mistake – I directly told him that I felt things were a little cold and it seemed to me we won’t be meeting again? And I also kind of wished him luck for his next dates or whatever.
Okay so this is a big problem. There are two people here who *both* have significant scheduling conflicts in a very casual relationship. He’s busy for a couple weeks and you decide he’s being “cold” to you — which is itself incredibly vague and explains nothing — and then immediately go nuclear.
I think you need to go to therapy for abandonment issues and stop dating for awhile. It would have been reasonable to check in and see where he’s at and what his schedule is like.
But the whole “Hope you’re having fun dating all those other chicks” part is *completely* out of line. It’s passive aggressive and manipulative. You immediately assumed he was too busy because he was out banging other people.
And then when he respects your decision, you decide you miss his attention and try to reel him back in.
This pattern of behavior reminds me a lot of my friend who had BPD. Intense fear of abandonment. Would say you’re being “cold” but really that meant “didn’t text you back in 3 minutes”. Cutting off the friendship with “hope you’re having fun with everyone else” and then weeks later “Remember that fun night we had out at the park”. Always hot and cold. Poor emotional regulation. It was a nightmare.
The way you vaguely describe your relationship to him leads me to believe there are some underlying issues. What does “cold” even mean? Did he not speak to you at all? Did he cancel plans you guys made?
If I were him I would not text you back at all. I have never met anyone who pulled the whole “have fun banging all those other people” card and didn’t turn out to be an emotionally abusive jerk.
You need to be explicit. Explain what happened and your feelings and you made an error. If I was him, and I have been him, I would think you don’t know what you want and you’re bored so I wouldn’t entertain you unless I saw some kind of deeper explanation and apology.
You’re an adult, you messed up, just say that. Trying to ignore it though is a yellow/red flag to others since you explicitly broke it off.
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You can try being completely honest; that this is your first fwb and you got too anxious and pulled the trigger too soon on ending things. Anything less than full honesty would be a confirmation of a red flag in my book that you’re wishy washy and are not willing to put in the time and work unless it’s easy/convenient.
Next time, ask what’s going on their life if they start to slow down the communication. Ask them if they’re not feeling it before just dipping out. Give them a chance to explain their behavior. Then go from there.
I’m guessing he’s not interested in being jerked around. Today everybody has a lot of options.
Absolutely don’t text him again. This was a bit much for a brief FWB. Judging from this post and your other comments, it’s clear he had lost interest and wasn’t looking for the same things you were. An apology would just be more clingy, “I was obviously much more invested in this than you were” behavior and be further off-putting. Just learn from this and move on.
>I directly told him that I felt things were a little cold and it seemed to me we won’t be meeting again? He said he agreed it’s been difficult to schedule etc. and he said he really enjoyed meeting me and wished me luck too.
I’m not sure why people are agreeing with you that this was a mistake. It sounds like you were right – things are cold and this guy isn’t really all that interested.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. You put the ball in his court and now he’ll either write you back or he won’t. In the meantime, you know to move on.
But don’t feel bad (other than the usual frustration or sadness that comes from being into someone more than they are into you). You probably read the situation correctly.
He probably thinks you are playing games with him, so he took the wise route of not giving you ammo.
He doesn’t know what you really think, so I guess you should be more sincere and direct with him on the phone If you actually want to talk to him personally
Learn the lesson here for the next guy, but don’t mess with the last guys emotions.
The non-response on his part was the answer. Just leave it. Its cool you connected and started to open up to him but that doesnt make HIM special, it means YOU are getting over some of that commitment-phobia.
HE didnt make you able to open up more, he isnt that special. If he was he wouldnt have gotten cold or he would have been willing to hang out again because you both felt something special. Thats not the case
Youre getting better. Dont ruin that by self-sabotaging yourself into getting hurt again so you dont have to face the scary vulnerable relationship feelings.
I dont really think you messed up at all. You knew he wasnt looking for what you realized you are looking for, and cut ties. Keep them cut, and maybe dont look for a FWB anymore.