Hello, I (25f) am looking for some advice about sex please. I’m am a virgin and absolutely terrified about having sex. Please no nasty comments, I’m genuinely struggling with this.
When I was about 14-15 I was sexually assaulted by a family friend. At the time I didn’t really understand what happened but was very uncomfortable about it. It wasn’t until I was 18 when I realised what happened.
My sister was sexually assaulted by my abuser’s father. She spoke up about it but eventually nothing happened to him which is why I’ve never really told anyone about what happened to me. Only my ex and one therapist knows but they don’t know any details.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Everyone talks about how good and natural sex is but the whole thing makes me extremely uncomfortable and I can’t get away fast enough. I’m not sure if it’s because of my trauma or if there’s something else going on.
I tried speaking to a therapist about it. She specialises in sexual abuse however when I had an appointment with her we spent the hour talking about her sex life and then meditating. She told me not to talk about my problem at all. I left feeling even worse than I did before.
My ex suggested that maybe I’m asexual. I honestly have no idea. Has anyone else gone through something similar to this and found a solution? I’m really struggling with this. I used to ignore it which was fine for a while but now it’s starting to ruin my life and any relationships I try to have. I’m unsure whether to go to another therapist because I’m worried nothing will happen and appointments are expensive. Any help/insight will be greatly appreciated. Thanks
5 comments
That trauma definitely affected you in some ways i think. May be beneficial to talk to a therapist. Also some self love and self pleasure and exploring your body may help.
First of all how do you actually feel with your body, do you masturbate? Do you enjoy touching and kissing guys?
It feels like from what you’re saying, you are trying to jump into sex for other people, rather than doing it because it’s what you want. If it is not something you want to do, then don’t do it.
That doesn’t mean you’ll never do it, but you need to work up to it and explore what you like and don’t like. You need to be the one that wants it or it will never be a positive enjoyable thing
Ok that therapist was trash and I’m so sorry that was your experience. I definitely highly recommend trying to find a better one of you can, the right therapist will change your life. I’ve been living with ptsd since I was a teen (27 now) and I’ve had my fair share of good and awful therapists, but trust me the good ones make it worth it.
Secondly I saw your comment about masturbation being painful. Have you tried clitoral stimulation? I often just use that when I’m alone. If you want to work up to something penetrative you definitely can but with your trauma and the fact that it’s painful I definitely wouldn’t start there or put too much pressure on yourself to engage in it.
I was SAed when I was no older than 5 for almost a year.. and then there was another incident when I was about 11, and for the longest time I had genophobia (the fear of sex) and though I would still kinda have desires, the whole idea of it or of doing it with someone was terrifying and I couldn’t do it. And then I met my boyfriend, he was super patient and super loving and caring, even to the point that he was willing to wait as long as I needed. But I felt bad because his love language is physical and I wanted to give him something so we eased into it slowly… we’ve been sexually active for about 5 months now, but only have had sex for 2 of those months. I really feel like it’s just about finding the right partner. If not having sex with them is ruining the relationship, that’s not the right person for you; the right person will be patient and comforting and reassuring and would never shame you or leave you if you decided you didn’t want it after all. Hell, he still has to coax me into it some days bc I relapse, but he’s super respectful and if I don’t want it he simply accepts it and we just cuddle. Be patient, I was where you are, it just takes a good partner
maybe try a glass of wine, and dont plan anything, see how it goes. it can take the edge off, you just gotta focus 100% on the OTHER PERSON and what you want to do to them, to make it natural and nice.