Feeling misunderstood and trapped.

I’ve (F26) always felt kinda like I can’t be 100% honest with my husband(M28) because of how critical he can be towards me. I never lie or do anything unfaithful.

But he disapproves of how friendly I am. I know everyone at work. I love texting a meme to friend every other day. I don’t go out with friends ever. Maybe once a year with his sister and cousin for a girls night. When we first got together he would get so worked up, that I basically stopped all communication with my friends because it was too much of a hassle to deal with him getting upset about it. He was definitely jealous of my attentions not being only for him. He worked on it after a few years and now I can communicate with friends with only an occasional complaint.

I do majority of housework, I’m okay with it because I can be a little OCD. But 2 years ago I started being unable to keep up. I was so exhausted. I could barely keep up with my full time job and the kids. I later realized I almost had a mental breakdown from lack of sleep and stress. I literally just broke one day and started screaming at him that he had to start at least doing half. He now will cook and clean and leave the house mostly the way I leave it(I’m a 2nd shifter). So at least I can start my morning without having to do a deep clean. It’s better. But I still do majority. Washing bedding and most laundry. Clean windows, floors, walls, cleaning fridge. I solely keep the bathrooms clean. Cleaning the cars. The only problem… if I start slacking; I hear about it.

Then our relationship. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. I constantly am trying to hug and love on him. But if I do, it must lead to sex within the next 2 days or I’m teasing him. Nothing wrong with this, but sometimes im tired and not interested. Plus 3 kids and breastfeeding all 3 really killed my libido. I’m working on it. Trying to get my health figured out. But I really just want to be able to cuddle without expectations sometimes. He definitely holds back from me emotionally. There was some mild infidelity on his part a couple times early in our relationship. I always see the best in people and was going through a lot physically (pregnancies) so I just tried to move past it. However, anytime we have a disagreement, I feel like he resents me and keeps expecting me to bring it up. Sometimes he’ll bring it up and say I start the arguments so I can make him feel bad. I told him that i don’t want it ever brought up again and that helped for awhile.

This past year things have gotten bad. We argue often. Spend days not talking. It’s easy to do because we work opposite shifts. I feel like me being diagnosed with cancer last summer really upset our balance. A tiny voice in the back of my head makes me wonder if he wished I died during my surgery. That’s how he thinks. He always imagines the worst scenarios and then how he would navigate it. I make a little more money than he does and have a decent life insurance. My mental health really took a hit and I’ve been quite depressed. Wanting to disappear sometimes because of our arguments. I feel trapped, like he doesn’t actually listen to me, just tries to tell me what I’m thinking and feeling. Lately I’m not even sure if I love him anymore. The criticism is getting so hard to handle. Sometimes i tell myself to fake it til I make it. So I’m a loving wife. I keep the house clean. I take care of the kids. I work and do my best to keep moving up and getting more promotions so i can make more money. I literally try to be perfect, and things start going good. He becomes more loving, Im getting the cuddles and even massages, we have long talks and I feel so happy. Then I forget 10 dishes one day, and decline sex the next and suddenly, something wasn’t being done well enough. Sometimes it’s the house not being clean enough, it’s him not feeling loved enough, the kids aren’t getting enough attention from me. I’m failing. I’m not good enough. Maybe it is me a little? Sometimes I play on my phone a lot, or spend a couple extra hours in bed. I’ll watch TV after work and stay up too late and be too tired to clean. I’ll decline playing on the floor with my kids because my back hurts.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so lonely. I keep my phone on silent, because if my friend sends me a snap of her cat, or a coworker sends a meme and I check it while he’s nearby, he’s instantly upset with me. When we argue, if I call out something he said, he says he didn’t say that, or it was worded differently so I’m remembering wrong. I’ve tried to explain that he’s gaslighting and sometimes narcissistic when we argue and he always twists that I’m just like my mom (abusive narcissist) and that I’m gaslighting him. And then I just want to run away. I can’t get anywhere during arguments. Tonight I told him he needs to stop being so critical of me because I’m having a hard time coping and it’s affecting our emotional connection. And he said everything he criticises is true, but he still loves me so it shouldn’t matter that it’s hurtful. I tried to make him understand how much it hurts to be criticized so I went off about several different things he’s been slacking on. He then told me I’m messed up mentally. That my childhood fucked me up so bad that I need a doctor. I tried to point our that he literally couldn’t handle the criticism and told me I was insane and he wouldn’t stop telling me I was crazy so I left the house. I’m alone in my car in a dark parking lot feeling so hopeless for my marriage. I can’t leave. He said he’d take everything before. The kids; and there’s no way he’d leave the house. My husband and kids are all I have. But he only wants me if I can be perfect.