My dad is starting to feel his knees give out and might have to get a knee replacement. Ever since then he’s been feeling depressed and he’s talking like his life is being taken away from him. He feels like he didn’t achieve the things he wanted in life…really he just has a depressing take on everything. Anyone have advice or experience with trying to help a depressed father?
3 comments
Give him the book Purpose Driven Life. Its sold over 10 million copies for a reason.
Try audio book since that takes less effort.
New knees work great. Everyone I know says “Why did I wait so long.”
As a father in his late sixties with clinical depression, I can only speak from my perspective.
First, most people, and certainly men, have these thoughts later in life. So your dad is not unusual, weak or dumb.
Second, you are exhibit A that in fact he did achieve something really good and really important. Tell him, and more importantly, show him that you are grateful, that he’s made a huge difference in your life and that you will always need him. Obviously, this has to be done with honest reflection on your relationship with him. Many older guys don’t get much positive feedback, especially at home. Let him know that you love and respect him.
Third, I would recommend that he see a therapist, not because he’s mentally ill but because he needs to learn how to accept himself, how to live in the present and to realize that his life is far from over. It’s hard to accept that while he may mentally see himself as a much younger man, his body will say otherwise. Men get caught up with expectations that may be externally driven rather than ones that derive from who they really are.
Fourth, a knee replacement may well improve his physical capabilities. He will need to do rehab but this can be a blessing in disguise because it can be an opportunity to more generally improve his conditioning, stamina and strength. Flexibility is also crucial as men grow older. He would never tell you but he may also be having trouble with getting an erection. Improving his cardiovascular condition will help with that.
Another way of helping is to express interest in doing some sports or outdoor activities together when he’s physically able. This can extend to other possible activities together, whether a ball game, movie or whatever shared hobby or interest you may have in common.
Don’t be surprised if he takes these things the wrong way, at least at the beginning. If you’re dad is like me, I can be mulish or resent someone who doesn’t feed my negativity. Don’t be bothered. This will take time and it helps to have allies (who can be discreet).
Best of luck. The effort will be worth it as much for your sake as his.
He’s feeling pain from his knees. If he is scheduled for knee replacement, he can spend time toning his upper body and improve his diet before the knee replacement. It’ll keep his mind occupied.
Once he had knee replacement done and am recovering, he’d discover a whole new world. Happens to my mom.