When I’m single and going on first and second dates, I’m cool as a cucumber. I am happy being single living a very rich life, and I’m super confident on first dates. I love meeting new men and flirting and I don’t develop any weird attachments or ideas about these men at this stage. I match and go on dates with a lot of men and filter out a lot.
But then if I meet a guy I like, we start seeing each other more regularly and begin having sex, I become consumed. The sex and cuddling and male attention from someone I like back is almost like a drug. It feels so good. And then I get super anxious waiting for texts, wondering if they like me, thinking about them a lot. The rest of life feels more dull somehow. To be clear, this is in the stage of having gone on several dates and having sex, but before becoming more settled and being boyfriend girlfriend and stuff.
My best friend and I spoke of this and she says this is how I jump into relationships too fast without taking time to evaluate if the guy is really for me. I don’t ever pick men who treat me badly or anything, but I do feel like I make excuses for incompatibilities because I’m so “in it”. She says I need to be more casual at the beginning and I really need to work on this, but the question is, how? Any tips or things that have helped you with new relationship anxiety?
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For me, it’s 90 days before sex. Also, look up “limerence”. Understanding that my attachment issues were clouding my judgment helped me to make more logical decisions.
Same here… but happens to me in longer relationships. In some point I just think my life is just worth because of them.
Read “attached”.
Only see someone new once a week and limit your texting between dates. This will balance things out naturally without you having to pull back emotionally.
I am the exact same way. I don’t really have much advice besides 1) keep nurturing the other areas of your life too (hobbies, friends), 2) perhaps don’t jump into sex too soon.
It sounds like you are falling in love with them. Isn’t that the point?
> I do feel like I make excuses for incompatibilities because I’m so “in it”
No two people are perfectly compatible. There are always incompatibilities. The perfect person for you doesn’t exist. If you want to get married and spend your life with someone, you have to find a way to handle those incompatibilities forever.
I think what you’re doing makes a lot of sense. You meet someone, you build new relationship energy with them, and you enjoy that energy for a while. Eventually that energy dissipates, and you can focus on yourself for a while, or find a new person. Or maybe you find that you still like the person enough to want to keep them around, nothing wrong with that either.
But there’s nothing wrong with just serially dating and not being too serious about it. You don’t have to find a life partner, and you don’t have to feel bad for dating in a way that makes sense for you.
Marriage is an archaic institution from a time when women were treated as property, and it doesn’t really make sense in the modern world. We don’t have to make it make sense if we don’t want to.
I do this too. For me personally, I’ve come to realize it’s at least partially from abandonment trauma from early life. So I’m working on that with my therapist. But also I’ve been watching relationship advice videos on YouTube (lol) and some of the best advice that keeps me grounded is to treat the guy like he’s your good girl friend. To not put him up on a pedestal any higher than the status of your friends. So basically he’s a person to hang out with and have fun with and share experiences. It’s the sex that messes me up honestly, I get super attached afterwards.
You have an anxious attachment style (look it up and take the online test) you also may have relationship anxiety. There is a great sub here for those suffering from it. You are not alone.
Are you familiar with attachment styles? This sounds like the classic Anxious Preoccupied attachment style, I’d dive into this further. Thais Gibson has a lot of great videos about it on YouTube.
In the beginning I try to only see someone 2-3x/week and space texting. I try to schedule as much friend time as I can. I wait a month (or however long until I feel sure we’re compatible) to have sex (which I know is not very common), and try to focus as much as I can on my own life.
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment. I’d look at “Attached,” and see if it can be helpful for you.
Good luck, OP. ❤️
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This sounds like me. What’s helped is having a life outside of that person. Because usually they have a life outside of me. Work, family, friends, just anything so that you aren’t waiting around for them. Also take things slow and try not to fantasize. Being attached to the outcome is usually what ends up hurting people like us!
I’m the same as you – anxious attached. What I’ve been doing is writing in my journal and reflecting.. any clues that they like me, any clues they they’re not ready to commit. And this may sound silly but at the end of my journal entry, I write the same thing: “he likes me and won’t change his feelings because my feelings won’t change. Everything will be ok. None of this anxiety will matter when we are together months down the line”… Something like that. I’m also reallyyyyy hoping this new guy is the one I’m supposed to end up with. I also reread past entries and remind myself that he said this and that to show me that he wants a future.
I also have slowed down in my relationship in terms of intimacy. For example, 5 dates (or more) until the first kiss (with current guy). I haven’t had sex in a while because of this and that’s ok. It’s better to not be physical so early (~3-5 months) because I can get attached.
I am in the exact same boat. The last person I dated, I thought he was the one *way* too fast. I became consumed with the idea of us, getting anxious because I thought it was too good to be true. He even said I should move to his city so I could be closer. Well, he dumped me, and of course I was crushed.
I don’t know how to take things slow. I don’t feel validated in a relationship unless we’re saying “I love you” right away. I know it’s not healthy. I don’t know how to deal with it.
I think this is very normal. When finally you meet someone you like and they like you back, you feel happy and want to be with them all the time, if you weren’t feeling that I would say the relationship is doomed. I mean, some people might not feel it like that, but this is my opinion.
If you are worried about ignoring potential incompatibilities, just be self concious. You already know how you feel excited about this people, but always call yourself out if you find yourself ignoring things you should look into.
I struggle with this since I divorced, I have my own issues around love and sex addiction which makes you wonder what is good or healthy etc. That being said actual love is a choice and required work and effort.
This is falling in love. You are not alone. Poets have been writing about it for centuries. It’s addictive and amazing. But very difficult to reconcile with the fast pace and disposable nature of OLD.
It’s a painful stage but eventually you will find someone who feels the same way back and then it is just magical.
I’m similar. So confident and “I don’t care if you like me” attitude until I start to really like them. Then I’m all nerves and insecurities
I think attachment style gets thrown around a little too easily. You said you are content with your single life, don’t get drawn in on the first few dates, but then get excited when you find someone you might be compatible with. What’s wrong with that? Let yourself be excited. Eventually as you get to know them you become more aware of those incompatibilities and if it doesn’t work out it hurts, but that’s dating. I’ve spent too much time on this sub and taking dating/relationship advice and have gotten so in my head about being smart and doing things the right way that it’s not fun or exciting at all anymore and now I’m trying to find out how to revert a bit and let myself not be so hyper aware of things again. Just keep doing what you’re doing but maybe try to be a little more comfortable asking questions and communicating the things that are making you anxious.
I had an epiphany recently that the butterflies and feeling of liking or being infatuated with someone were identical to my experience of anxiety verging on a panic attack. Now I try to be aware of this and question whether I actually like the person or if the beginning of a relationship heightens my anxiety, and then I can manage the reaction by separating it from the person.
How to not behave like a normal human? Good luck.
I don’t see it mentioned very often but many people overlook evolutionary biology for the reasons why we feel a certain way before and after having sex with some one.
Our physiology knows nothing of birth control.
Evolutionarily speaking sex is for procreation and your “mate” would stick around and protect you hence when they are not around anxiety can set in. This goes for both men and women.
I’m a dude and get this too
Are you me? Hope we can find some solutions.
It is a drug. Oxytocin.
This is normal. Words for it are “infatuation” or “new relationship energy”. It’s your hormones going crazy for rapid bonding.
I’m the same as you. I have major relationship anxiety, constantly looking for signs that the guy I’m seeing is going to dump me. I am in therapy for it
Omg i can resonate with this so so much! I’m the same… like I am the best and super fun at the beginning, I am basically the cool girl and they are at it like flies… till I start to really get involved and then I feel like I start to lose my super power and I feel a shift from that to… being consumed by the feelings for them and how much I like them. (All this till I get comfortable into a relationship – the dynamics relax a bit)
Im glad I’m not the only one
I think I do have attachment issues for sure
>wondering if they like me
I think this might be the crux of the issue. Because you don’t know, you’re free to wonder, which leads to assumptions, which leads to anxiety, which I believe leads to the dark side.
My main recommendations is to be forward and upfront with your feelings. They don’t have to be “omg I love you” moments after you’re naked, saying that you’re into the person and excited about them will let you see how they react to that. If they don’t respond with much, then you’re getting an answer how they feel about you without having to directly ask them.
Does this completely remove risk/sadness? Nope, but that’s probably a whole lot better than in the unknown anxiety state.
Feelings are feelings. It’s okay to have them. It’s what you do about them that matters. What are the consequences of the actions you take on behalf of these feelings? What happens when you jump in head first at that stage? Are you more likely to commit to the guys with incompatibilities? Or are you just more hurt when things end?
It’s called insecure attachment style I think. Read up on it and see how to temper those intense feelings and insecurities
Have a look into attachment theory. Maybe there is something there to heal in regards to attachment style.
Yup. I’ve been feeling this a lot recently. I’m noticing I start to abandon my own boundaries and myself when I start to get more serious with someone. It eventually leads to the relationship falling apart, so I end up alone anyhow and without a solid support system when it does.
My advice? Work on it with a therapist. I currently am, it’s hard and frustrating, but working at it consciously is the best you can do.
I used to have/am currently working through the same issue – here is something I learned: I tell myself that “it’s too soon to tell”.
When I think on old relationships, it took me years to really get to know that person. How could I possibly know I’m choosing the right person in one month? I can’t. It’s too soon to tell.
Do I really want to be with this person for the long haul? It’s too soon to tell. The only thing that will tell me is spending more time with them and getting to know them more.
Is their texting frequency enough for me to sustain a relationship, or am I just too attached? Usually, it’s just too soon to tell because I don’t know them well enough to really know their natural texting frequency. That comes with months of being someone and having them settle in and be comfortable.
I realized that I tend to hold onto the wrong fit longer than other people do – but I’ve also realized that I’m just patient and open minded. I’ll often gather up some yellow flags over the course of a few dates, and spend dates and time together as time gathering evidence to see if the yellow flags are real issues, or if they are not issues at all. Often with those yellow flags, I can’t know if they are issues or not right away because it’s too soon to tell.
Time spent with a new person will always be casual until it isn’t. I often move fast before I can tell if we are really compatible – i often was to lock things down when it’s still too soon to tell. I know I attach too quickly so I let the other person lead relationship talks, and I take special care to fill up my nights and weekends so I am busy with my own life and not super attached to spending time together.
– keep yourself grounded in your own life
– realize that you want safety, and usually you don’t know this person well enough to know if they can truly provide that for you
– the only true test of compatibility is spending months and months together
– as a rule, assume things are casual until the other person brings it up. You’re welcome to date others, or not date anyone else, as long as you aren’t dependent on them being with you to have fun.
– purposefully focus on your work, your family, and your friends
I’m the same as you except I don’t have sex with them anymore until I’ve gotten to know them for about a month or 2. Helps me filter out the f bois from the genuine
This is me, and also what I largely want in a partner, so as to help soothe eachothers anxiety and deepen our bond through shared vulnerbilites and a mutual building of trust. I have no interest in holding back my passionate affection; that’s not me. Rather, I want someone who can match it and give it back.
In all my romantic experiences I’ve always been mismatched, and that didn’t lead to anything good. I don’t blame my partners (for this, anyway); they have their preferences, and I have mine. For me, co-dependency is the goal, certain modern discourse on the subject be damned.
It is however a risk to give ourselves so completely to love, so I’m picky and cautious these days, and if I can’t find someone on my wavelength, there’s nothing in it for me and I’m staying single. I have good friends already, yes? I don’t really need another one.
It’s just brain chemicals. Oxytocin, dopamine, vassopressin. It happens to everyone and calms down somewhere between 3-12 months. Once I realized it was my BRAIN and not the fact that the person was extraordinary, I was able to keep it in check.
I also make sure to prioritize my own life and friends over a new person I’m dating, not text very often and only see them 1-2x per week b/c based on my dating history, they’re probably not that great, I just can’t see it yet. 🤣 So I go SLOW emotionally.
Having sex releases oxytocin which causes women to bond HARD. The unfair thing is that it doesn’t happen for men. They might want to keep other men away, but the attachment doesn’t happen as fast for them and sometimes never happens if they have sex before an emotional connection is created. A good tip from relationship experts is to wait until he’s meeting your emotional needs before you have sex with him. This might be when he’s texting you enough, when you feel him protecting you, or even when he actually commits.
Do you know why you have sex at the point in time that you do? Do what you want and when you’re ready. Dating experts recommend waiting 3 months so don’t feel pressured to be having sex sooner than that.
It’s anxiety. Once you establish on your side that you have feelings for them, your anxiety as to whether or not they feel the same way overpowers your reasoning and logic, and jumping into a relationship quickly soothes the anxiety of not knowing if your feelings are reciprocated….even if that relationship isn’t a good idea.
It also kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because the other person may feel rushed or pressured into a commitment, leaving them to either break things off out of the blue or do something to sabotage the relationship, only feeding these anxieties further.
It’s hard. I know. One of the things that REALLY helped me was to realize that giving a person the time and space they need to make a decision about me is anxiety-inducing, but only because of my own control issues. Whenever I started giving myself anxiety over them, I would honestly stop what I was doing and figure out why I was allowing this situation or person to generate so much control over me. I also started imposing limits and rules on myself.
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1. If I saw I was becoming obsessed with checking my phone for their text, I made it a rule to only look at my phone once an hour. So what if I miss their text by 20 or 30 minutes? It’s better to appear busy than it is to appear like you were desperately waiting for them to hit you up.
2. If I catch myself wondering about them or thinking about them an inappropriate amount, I ask myself how would I feel if someone I wasn’t into was thinking about me this way. Creeped out, right? Don’t be a creep.
3. Ultimately, if you are constantly left confused about a person or their desires for you, it means they’re not sure of how they feel about you yet. That’s okay. You need to give them time and space to come to their own decisions on their feelings about you.Giving a person the time and space to come to their own decisions about you on their own terms is so much more rewarding once it happens because it is a more secure decision and leads to a more secure relationship.
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What other anxiety soothing techniques do you employ in your life on things other than the romantic? That always helps.
> we start seeing each other more regularly and begin having sex, I become consumed.
Try not having sex so early, especially before determining if someone is appropriate for you.
Sex floods people with bonding chemicals, it’s not surprising people have these experiences